Dating a widower with adult children

It might be that you’re financially better off than he is - that would be worth letting his offspring know, it would certainly shut them up.
Have you children ? f your own what do they think.

Honestly, I also question the character of a woman who would work so closely with the family that presumably she knew the wife quite well - and sees nothing wrong with this? Makes you wonder if she was just biding her time.

CarlyD7

I'm going to make a general statement here (and apologies to those who disagree) but from what I've seen in life, men seem to start dating much more quickly than women do when they've been widowed. 8 months doesn't sound like very long and it's no surprise that they are upset (maybe more against him than you). I've seen this from all sides - from 2 friends whose fathers remarried, and the surviving widow took everything (including a very healthy family business that was passed on through their mother); to a widowed mother whose boyfriend moved in, had her waiting on him hand and foot, and cleaned out her savings; to a divorced friend who started dating a lovely widower but his 3 daughters refused to talk to her when he was out of the room! (When he was in the room, they were very friendly but as soon as he left it, they cut her off). A friend in her 70's has been in a relationship with a man a little older than her for 10 years now, but they have never lived together - just holiday together, and go out together and spend time in each others houses, but have no plans to live together nor get married - and have made this very clear to his 2 daughters (who were not happy at the beginning). I think it helped that they realised that my friend has far more money than he does!! I think you're probably better out of that relationship - maybe in the future you can re-connect?

Agree leave it alone and let him sort his self out! And guys are more likely to get back in the pool quicker, must be caveman instinct to go a-huntin' ?

Oh darling that's so very sad. Poor man and you must feel helpless too? Firstly they don't know what a goldigga is ! Secondly, I'd leave well alone and trust he'll do what he thinks best for himself, his kids sound vile! Poor guy.

Nannashirlz

Wow 8 months is that all she’s being gone and you don’t understand why kids are being the way they are. They are still grieving their mum. I was just about to tell you to give them time. But come on 8 months it’s still raw the pain that they are feeling. I’m actually surprised he’s in the right frame of mind for a relationship in so short a time after losing his wife and child. When my dad died no way would I have except a new man in his house. Don’t matter who he was. Definitely not in first years my mum did met someone 3yrs after

Exactly

She does say, it was 8 months after his wife's tragic death which was witnessed by him and one of his children
EIGHT months........

I'm going to make a general statement here (and apologies to those who disagree) but from what I've seen in life, men seem to start dating much more quickly than women do when they've been widowed. 8 months doesn't sound like very long and it's no surprise that they are upset (maybe more against him than you). I've seen this from all sides - from 2 friends whose fathers remarried, and the surviving widow took everything (including a very healthy family business that was passed on through their mother); to a widowed mother whose boyfriend moved in, had her waiting on him hand and foot, and cleaned out her savings; to a divorced friend who started dating a lovely widower but his 3 daughters refused to talk to her when he was out of the room! (When he was in the room, they were very friendly but as soon as he left it, they cut her off). A friend in her 70's has been in a relationship with a man a little older than her for 10 years now, but they have never lived together - just holiday together, and go out together and spend time in each others houses, but have no plans to live together nor get married - and have made this very clear to his 2 daughters (who were not happy at the beginning). I think it helped that they realised that my friend has far more money than he does!! I think you're probably better out of that relationship - maybe in the future you can re-connect?

Wow 8 months is that all she’s being gone and you don’t understand why kids are being the way they are. They are still grieving their mum. I was just about to tell you to give them time. But come on 8 months it’s still raw the pain that they are feeling. I’m actually surprised he’s in the right frame of mind for a relationship in so short a time after losing his wife and child. When my dad died no way would I have except a new man in his house. Don’t matter who he was. Definitely not in first years my mum did met someone 3yrs after

8 months after his wife died and you’re the family’s employee. I’m sorry, but that would raise major red flags for me as an adult DC.

Given the nature of your work, if you’re not well-off financially and if he tends to be the one paying for you both then I can understand their concerns.

From my own experience, my Mum dated very quickly after my Dad died, it is an awful thing, it's hard to see your remaining parent move on during your own grieving period, of course you do worry about gold diggers too. I don't think it's personal to you this dislike, they dislike the situation and feel it is too soon for their Dad to 'Move on' no matter who with. They will want him to be happy but it's very hard to see past your own hurt and emotions when you cannot replace who you have lost. I know it's hard for the Incomer BUT please try to see how awful the family are feeling.

What a very sad story for all involved. You say, he pursued you?
Maybe, you were very flattered by his advances? You were being kind and sympathetic and he needed you to emotionally lean on. He knew he could rely on you.
He and his son will be utterly traumatised by witnessing such a catastrophic, deeply personal event. PTSD ?
Allow some distance and time. In the future he may well come back to you if you want him in your life,but, in the mean time move on and live your life.
All the very best for the future.

I do think 8 months is too soon for children, even grown up ones to see the remaining parent with someone new.Too soon for anyone widowed even though it helps at the time you haven’t completed the grieving process. Know people that remarried within the year, but they regretted it.

Whilst I feel it’s not up to others to interfere in other peoples relationships family or not, 8 months isn’t long they probably feel their dad has got over their mother a bit to quickly.
I would be a bit upset if it only took my hubby 8 months to move on to another woman after I died even though I would want him to find someone in time.

I am heartily sorry for you and your friend too and agree that his children are behaving immaturely and unkindly, but I would like to put forward some points for consideration.

How long ago did your friend's wife die? And did the son and his father who both witnessed the accident receive any psycological help? Can you be entirely sure that the children and their spouses are not still acting partialy due to the trauma of the death?

Another point: the media are full of stories of this kind, but also full of stories regarding the difficulties of inheritance complicated by a parent's second marriage if the new spouse outlives the one who had children.

As I understand the law in England a man or woman who remairries is not obliged to settle the desceased spouse's estate with the children of that marriage before re-marrying, as he would be in a lot of other countries, and the testator can still leave his entire estate as he wishes - there is no compulory amount that must be left to the children of his marriage or marriages.

If my understanding is correct, I can well understand the concern shown, although not the manner of it, by this man's children. They risk their father disposing of property and goods and chattels that had actually belonged to their mother without their knowledge or consent.

I cannot pretend to tell you what you can or should do now. (But am taking a shot at it all the same, sorry!) That depends entirely on your feelings for this man and his for you. If he has broken up with you basically because his children are more important to him than you are, then the sooner you force yourself to move on the better.

However, it sounds as if he does love you, but finds himself between the devil and the deep blue sea. Could you both consider seeing each other quietly for a while without forcing the fact on his children's attention?

After a while they may be prepared/ able to regard your relationship with their father as a good thing, or at the very least as none of their business.

This is awful and it's all about money. I would like to think you could change all this but I don't think it will go away. It's up to him to sort it.

I know 2 families where the father, being widowed,wives died ofcancer, the fathers remarried having started dating with in a few months of their wives deaths.The children, either teenagers or young adults at uni understandably distraught at the disrespect and haste to replace their mother's and there is the awful gold digger aspect whereby in the 3rd instance the woman the father married had twice married widowed men and they'd died and she walked off with the house etc leaving nothing for the kids of the men she married..

Libman

I think it’s probably a mixture of everything that has been said above. Everyone’s grieving process is different and what might feel right for one will feel really inappropriate for others. Whatever the reasons are, could you perhaps both take a step back but without ending the relationship? You mention going out for dinner in a small town. You both might be comfortable with that ( and that’s fine) but to them it might seem as if their Dad is giving a very public message that he has forgotten his wife. They don’t have the right to tell their father what to do and everyone deserves to be happy but they are hurting in a very different way to their father. He can do something about his loneliness but they can’t replace a mother. Very sad situation all round. I don’t think confrontation is very helpful in this case. Maybe keep your relationship with him quite separate from them for a bit longer to help them adjust? hope you manage to resolve this. Life is too short to be sad.

I absolutely agree with the comments here....

Wise words indeed.

I have no desire to "meet" another man, though I feel very lonely, my youngest son told me some time back, (dh died 2 years ago) if I wanted to be with someone else that was fine by them...

How very sad for all involved... and we do NOT replace a dead spouse with another one... (shaking head here)

I think it’s probably a mixture of everything that has been said above. Everyone’s grieving process is different and what might feel right for one will feel really inappropriate for others. Whatever the reasons are, could you perhaps both take a step back but without ending the relationship? You mention going out for dinner in a small town. You both might be comfortable with that ( and that’s fine) but to them it might seem as if their Dad is giving a very public message that he has forgotten his wife. They don’t have the right to tell their father what to do and everyone deserves to be happy but they are hurting in a very different way to their father. He can do something about his loneliness but they can’t replace a mother. Very sad situation all round. I don’t think confrontation is very helpful in this case. Maybe keep your relationship with him quite separate from them for a bit longer to help them adjust? hope you manage to resolve this. Life is too short to be sad.

So when is the date he will be ‘allowed’ have a new partner? Perhaps his children need to give him a date/time so he knows when he can.

Is there a big age gap between you?

Tbh if I died I would want my husband to be happy and to find someone else.

He needs to stand up to his children and sort out his finances but then again perhaps you’ve had a lucky escape. They don’t sound like nice people at all.

Thanks for explaining what you used to do for them. I think it may be a case of Dad dating ‘the help’ as you say.

My friend dated a widower - and his children made her life absolute hell.

Yes, they thought she was after his money (although she has plenty, far more than him) and they said it was 'disrespectful' to their late mother too.

They threatened to deny him visits to his grandchildren, so basically, it was a choice between her or his family. He reluctantly chose them - so she gave up on him. All very sad.

They are in agriculture. I’ve worked on their farms, taken care of their grandma, watched their kids, cleaned their houses and mowed their lawns. I suspect part of their problem is ‘dad’s dating the help’.
But he is the one who pursued me. And no, we never did anything before the wife’s death.

My thoughts are that your children are your children all your life , this new partner may be a temporary thing and the children should come first .I'd hate anyone to try to come between me and my kids ,even though they are grown up .If the relationship is meant they can revisit it in time

How long ago did his wife die?

There are compromises that can be made if their concern is their inheritance. His money could be tied up in a trust or similar or given away now, you could agree not to marry, he could write a will leaving everything to them…….you know what?………that’s ridiculous, they are being selfish and uncaring. If he can’t stand up to them he doesn’t deserve you.