Dating a widower with adult children

Sound advice paddyann54. It’s a very short time and the children will still be grieving.

Adult children are still grieving their mum ,regardless of her age she was their mum.It will look to them as if she has been sideswiped to make space for you
,Thats not good,
Take a step back ,if its right you can give it another try in a few months or a year .The Dad may well be on the rebound too and thats not a healthy start to any relationship .

Eight months is very soon. I wonder if they think you’ve moved in on their dad now because their mum died. Men do seem to move on more quickly than women when a spouse dies, and that often seems to upset AC. The fact you were known to them all before may make it worse, they might wonder if something was going on before etc. if it was somebody unknown to everyone, and say two years down the line the relationship started, I imagine less AC would have an issue with it.

Be kind and patient. It sounds like they lost their mum prematurely, and in awful circumstances. I suffered a sudden bereavement of a family member a year ago and am still finding that very hard to come to terms with. Another six months isn’t going to make it magically better, and you ‘appeared’ in a romantic domain less than a year in.

This is distressing for you and equally hard for the person who has a family that does not approve of their father having a relationship.I am sure who ever their father forms a relation ship with will be seen as nothing more than' after money'
It is now up to you.How long are you prepared to remain without companionship.? I can imagine what this mans feelings must be knowing his family's attitude towards you and highly likely any person their father has a relationship with will be treated the same.
As others on GN say. Play it down get on with your life. I add to this and if a chance of happiness comes into your life then take it.

Is it the fact that you have apparently worked for them all, though you don't say in what capacity? Do they look down on you because they employed you, for instance as a cleaner, and feel you've used that to start the relationship? Just asking if that is a possible reason and they don't think you're 'right' for him.

I think there are worse things in life than being called a gold digger.
Are you planning on marrying him?
If not then I can hardly see why his adult children have any cause to complain. They should be grateful to you for giving him some happiness after the death of his wife.

I have a friend who has been widowed twice and is now "seeing" a widower, who happens to be rich. His AC are not 100% behind the liaison either but my friend and her new friend are in their 80s and don't care at all. They don't live together but travel and holiday together.

Is this poor man not allowed to have friends! What bullies some AC can be.

Maybe that time period was right for him but it obviously wasn't right for his children and he has probably made the choice to put them first.

I'm sorry you had to have your feelings caught up in that

If it’s early I can understand the children being upset. I would give it a bit more time and you never know he may come back and your relationship will be stronger for taking the time and being sensitive to his family. I wish you well.

1Nana2025

DiscoDancer1975

Maybe just give it more time. I can’t see if you’ve said how long it’s been since the death of his wife and son. It must be so difficult for all of them.

On the surface, it does seem harsh, especially if it is just money that’s the issue. Perhaps just play it down and see how things go.

All the best

She passed 7/2020. Not the son, he witnessed the tragedy with his father. We started seeing each other about 8 months after she passed.

Thank you for clarifying 1Nana2025. Sorry, I misread that about his son, how awful for him.

I don’t know if 8 months is too little or not to be honest. I suppose it depends on the people, and circumstances around the death, rather than the time itself.

Time is a great healer, and as I said before, you just may need a bit more of it.

She passed 7/2020. Not the son, he witnessed the tragedy with his father. We started seeing each other about 8 months after she passed.

So a full 16 months after his wife passed away his family were still pressurising him to the point where he ended your relationship ? I hope they’re proud of themselves because from the way you described his distress when he ended it with you he was just beginning to realise that life goes on and you can be happy again, and they’ve plunged him back into a miserable lonely life because of their ‘disapproval’. To all those posters who think the OP and her partner are in the wrong I can tell you from first hand experience that losing your life partner is devastating - it’s the worst thing you’re ever likely to go through. Yes, his family lost their mum, but he lost his wife. If you think grieving ends when you meet someone else, think again - the decision to start a new relationship is a very hard one and it throws up a rollercoaster of confusing emotions, making the new relationship a very fragile one to start with. To pile on the pressure just as he would be moving past this and looking more to the future is not a nice thing to do to someone you say you care about.

You worked for the family ? In what capacity did you work for them ?

DiscoDancer1975

Maybe just give it more time. I can’t see if you’ve said how long it’s been since the death of his wife and son. It must be so difficult for all of them.

On the surface, it does seem harsh, especially if it is just money that’s the issue. Perhaps just play it down and see how things go.

All the best

She passed 7/2020. Not the son, he witnessed the tragedy with his father. We started seeing each other about 8 months after she passed.

Given additional details, I can see how the AC are annoyed

I am not saying they are reasonable or unreasonable.

It is hard for all parties involved

I don’t think it is you. It will be anyone who has a relationship with him. Obviously you aren’t a gold digger and your partner can see this . I feel you need a family meeting . Write down notes to help you with your conversation even if this is done via Zoom
etc . It is awful what has happened to your partner but he deserves to move on and regain his life. It looks like you live in separate homes . You have somewhere to live and seem independent. Explain you both want friendship and support or would they rather have him living alone and lonely?

GagaJo

Grandmabatty

Hmm, I'm not surprised they are upset then. I think it was far too soon for him and his children. That is not judging you for the relationship at all but this family haven't begun to grieve their loss and dad is moving on. I would let him go.

Yes. I had a friend who did this several months after his wife died. There was a quiet withdrawing of most of the friends he had who were also friends with his wife or with him and his wife as a couple. People that had supported him during and after her death gradually cut off contact with him.

Fortunately, he came to his senses after a couple of months, realised it was far to soon and ended the relatioship. Now, 8 years on, he is engaged to and living with a lovely lady. Much healthier and everyone is very happy for him.

I love the term ‘came to his senses’. If I had ‘come to my senses’ when I met my now partner, I’d be living a very different and lonely life. There’s no right time to begin again - everyone is different, but that doesn’t stop others from sitting in judgement. For some reason even though they have their own partners, their own lives and don’t come home to an empty house every night, they think nothing of condemning others to just that kind of life for the crime of finding happiness again. I lost two very good friends and a family member who couldn’t get on board with the thought of my being with someone else. Sadly I no longer see them - their choice, not mine, but how I chose to live my life after the hell of losing my husband is no one’s business but mine.

Maybe just give it more time. I can’t see if you’ve said how long it’s been since the death of his wife and son. It must be so difficult for all of them.

On the surface, it does seem harsh, especially if it is just money that’s the issue. Perhaps just play it down and see how things go.

All the best

Mrsluckhurst

8 months! I'm not surprised his children are upset! They are still grieving and he has just replaced their mum! I suspect this is about far more than money, especially if one of the sons witnessed his mum's accident. How very thoughtless of you both.

What a crass and insensitive post. You don’t ‘replace’ anyone. And it’s not the OP or her partner who are thoughtless, it’s his children, who all have their own partners, their own full lives and aren’t the ones living a loveless life and going home to an empty house. I met the man who is now my partner 8 months after my husband of 40 years passed away. I wasn’t nearly ready for a relationship but he persuaded me to give him my email details and we became good friends long before starting a relationship. I was still grieving and my partner helped me get through it with endless patience.

Losing a life partner changes you and unless you’ve been through it, you can’t begin to imagine the devastation - you don’t just lose your partner, you lose your whole way of life There is no ‘right time’ to start another relationship, everyone is different. You don’t suddenly stop grieving and it’s most certainly not about ‘replacing’ anyone. My partner could never replace my late husband and if I had thought that was what I was doing, I would have broken it off.

If money wasn’t at the root of their objections, why is the OP being called a ‘gold digger’ ? Her partners’ family are condemning him to a lonely life by projecting their own opinions onto him and making life difficult. That would be enough at the very start of the relationship but to still be piling on the pressure 9 months later to the point where he felt compelled to end a relationship which clearly made him happy is just cruel in my opinion.

Grandmabatty

Hmm, I'm not surprised they are upset then. I think it was far too soon for him and his children. That is not judging you for the relationship at all but this family haven't begun to grieve their loss and dad is moving on. I would let him go.

Yes. I had a friend who did this several months after his wife died. There was a quiet withdrawing of most of the friends he had who were also friends with his wife or with him and his wife as a couple. People that had supported him during and after her death gradually cut off contact with him.

Fortunately, he came to his senses after a couple of months, realised it was far to soon and ended the relatioship. Now, 8 years on, he is engaged to and living with a lovely lady. Much healthier and everyone is very happy for him.

1Nana2025

I’ve been dating a widower for 9 months. We’ve had a pretty easy going relationship. Except for his adult sons and their wives. They have been horrible towards me. Saying I’m a gold digger. I think I always thought we’d work through it, but they continue to lie and upset their dad. He broke it off with me yesterday. Hard to see a 60 year old man cry so hard. I’m devastated. I know only he can fix it but they threaten him with estrangement and he just can’t handle the stress.
His wife was killed in a tragic accident in front of him and one son. I’m at a loss as to why the family thinks he deserves more heartache.

Oh I feel for you, I really do. You don’t say how long ago he lost his wife, or whether his family have met you. That may or may not have some relevance, as they may be making a lot of assumptions about the type of person you are, and whether or not he is ready for a new relationship.

My own experience was similar except that it was my own friends and family who objected when I took up with my now partner after my husband died.

I was very happily married to my husband for nearly 40 years. Eight hellish months after he died, I met my partner quite by chance in a hospital waiting room and we got talking. I was nowhere near ready for a relationship but we recognised that there was something there, so we emailed and talked on the phone for a while and became friends over time. Then when we decided to take things further, I started to tell people about us. Two people I counted among my closest friends, and one family member said the most awful things to and about me, how it was too soon to be ‘dating’ and how disrespectful I was being to my husbands’ memory - you get the idea. At one point I found myself actually apologising - it was that bad !! Interestingly, my husbands’ family were very supportive.

I talked about it with my partner and after a lot of thought, I decided that after what I had been through, I had no room in my life for people who couldn’t support me, so I thanked them for their concern and reminded them that I’m an adult and quite capable of making my own life decisions. I gave them a choice - either accept that my partner and I are together, or regrettably it would be best to leave me to get on with my life in my own way. I haven’t heard from them again from that day to this. I know it’s a different situation because your partner is meeting opposition from his own children - very difficult. But if you’re as invested in this relationship as you appear - and it’s obvious that your partner is judging by how upset he was at having to end it - then would it be feasible to meet up with him again to discuss possible options ? His family all have their own partners and their own lives. They don’t go home to an empty house and live a loveless life, so why are they condemning him to that kind of existence now that you’ve found each other - we’re lucky to find love once, never mind twice.

To be cynical for a moment, I think the accusation of being a gold digger’ will probably be levelled at any woman who comes anywhere near him, and if he’s quite well off you have to wonder whether that’s more about protecting their perceived inheritance if he remarries. At the of 60 you both potentially have a lot of life in front of you, and you deserve some happiness, so if money is at the root of their hostility, that’s disgusting.

I would ask to meet with him and have a conversation about what you both would want out of an ongoing relationship, and if you find you both want to continue then it’s time to have a discussion with his family about the reasons for their hostility. If you’re to have any future together then he has to make it clear to his family that he doesn’t intend to be dictated to when it comes to life decisions. He’s an adult and can make his own decisions and mistakes without this unpleasant interference. It sounds to me as though they have his money more at heart than his happiness. Does he really want to give you up and let his family rule him with one eye on their inheritance, if so he’s going to end up old and lonely. I wish you luck.

Hmm, I'm not surprised they are upset then. I think it was far too soon for him and his children. That is not judging you for the relationship at all but this family haven't begun to grieve their loss and dad is moving on. I would let him go.

8 months! I'm not surprised his children are upset! They are still grieving and he has just replaced their mum! I suspect this is about far more than money, especially if one of the sons witnessed his mum's accident. How very thoughtless of you both.

I'm so sorry 1nana2025.

I'm so sad they treated you like family, they clearly like you. It sounds like they area still grieving for their Mum. It's so sad they aren't thinking about your partners happiness.

I'm sad for your partner too. To be a good parent and family take advantage of him and not care about his feelings.

That's awful using grandchildren as manipulation. Awful.

I really hope the family come to their senses and let their Dad be happy.

I'm not very good with words but I feel your pain. It's so sad. Why can't they be hqppyfor their Dad?

Yes, it’s their inheritance they are concerned with. They are certainly not concerned with his happiness.
He’s going to see an attorney to get his estate into a trust, and he’s hoping that will calm them down. Since we’re only dating, I’m not sure how they think I can take anything.
I’ve asked to get a sit down with them, they refuse.
We started dating 8 months after her passing.
I used to work different jobs for the entire family. They treated me like family.
Until I started dating their dad.
Yes, they have undo influence over him. And they threaten him with not seeing his grandchildren.
I understand that it’s hard for them to see their dad with someone new. I don’t need to be around them, but we can’t even go out to dinner in our small town.

I feel sorry for him but I think you are well out of it.

Why do they think you are after their father's money? Do you pay your way?

If you find yourselves back in a relationship you both need to speak to the offspring together to set their minds at rest.

Adult children are not always worried about their inheritance but do not want their father taken advantage of.