Dating a widower with adult children

Mrsluckhurst

8 months! I'm not surprised his children are upset! They are still grieving and he has just replaced their mum! I suspect this is about far more than money, especially if one of the sons witnessed his mum's accident. How very thoughtless of you both.

Bit harsh?

Hi, I was wondering how you're getting on. It's been a few months since you posted so I hope you're in q better place x

Poor chap obviously has kids that think they are entitled to an Inheritance. Basically, I wish more people would make a Will and give all their money to the small charities, like pet rescues.

I don't know why you have to get married. Am I missing something here? Can't you just continue to "date" and have fun together? Perhaps you are young enough to have children? In that case his DC might have reason to fear their inheritance but otherwise life is too short to keep waiting IMO. Good luck to you both.

I suspect that’s why they won’t meet me in person. They have no proof of anything. It’s much easier to just sneak around and spread lies.

Maybe he should put his foot down and tell them his happiness is paramount to them receiving any inheritance!!!
It is up to him whether or not to leave anything to them, and he could give them something now rather than make them wait, or he could just as easily say he has decided to leave everything to some charity or other to stop the fighting!
He could cut the AC out and leave money in trusts for the GC, not to be touched until they reach 18 or 21, whichever age he chooses!!
But either way, I suspect he is not as nasty as his AC!
And I'd ask for proof of these lies they tell him about you!!

@1Nana2025. Just read your last post. The best relationships start from friendships - I know from first hand experience. You are both taking your time and not rushing into anything so I don’t know what more his family want. In 17 months they should have had time to come to terms with what happened and if your friend feels as though he’s ready to move on, they shouldn’t be standing in his way. I really do wish you both the very best for the future.

Thank Joi so much.

1Nana2025 It is a truly difficult situation and really tough for you, you have my sympathy. I think if there are farms involved, if I got that right, (and I do apologise if I have picked you up incorrectly) then feelings will be running very high, as I know from other people's experiences. It's a totally different as the tie to the land is very strong. It can be very close knit too. Succession over farms arouses strong emotions: their view of their future has been upset and now they are over-reacting, despite their father already arranging for the estate to be put into trust. That fact alone should bring them to their senses, but I can see how this has arisen.

18 months or so is plenty long enough for them to get their head round the fact that their father is a grown man who has a right to live his own life and can date who he pleases, but I can see how it might seem on the surface. . The children sound very controlling and I would hazard a guess that their anger may stem from seeing that control slipping away with this new relationship. They are panicking and their behaviour is not edifying. It shows that they feel they already have a claim on his assets - and depending on how the farms are set up, they may have a say - forgetting that said assets may be currently his to dispose of as he sees fit - which might not suit them. From what you have already said, they are taking care of themselves pretty well. Having unjustified expectations of inheritance almost invariably leads to disappointment and then resentment and bitterness.

For context I was born on a farm, have worked on farms and am divorced from someone who was in agriculture too. I am now married to a twice-divorced man (not technically a widower although both his previous wives later died). His children were all from his first marriage, and I had my own. We dated but then moved in together. My children were delighted and have treated him like a member of their family. His gave us a wide berth, which I was not hurt or offended by because I expected it. We knew it would be complicated.

We waited many years before marrying a few years ago, and we both courteously informed our offspring of what was about to happen. (My ex did not do even that, just dropped it into conversation one day over dinner with the visiting children that he had got married again). They all appeared fine with it, especially my children and one of his. A couple of months ago I found out that one of his children had erupted with rage when he learned of our plans to marry - and yes, it was all about his inheritance. He is the one who never gets in touch unless he wants money, never enquires about his father's welfare etc etc. There are trusts in place to protect their inheritance, all done with my encouragement. Our wills are drawn up carefully. I have set things up separately for my children. All boxes ticked. but this is years down the line, and you are ...only dating!
If you are both serious then it will take some serious discussions, probably involving lawyers, before you go any further. Even if you decide this is not for you, he will have this to deal with all over again with any future relationship. So all the more reason to bring it out into the open and clear the air. I wish you the best of luck.

I, again, appreciate all the responses. Some good points have been made and I appreciate the support in most replies.
My man friend still hasn’t said ‘we’re done’. Last time we talked he said he didn’t know how it will turn out but he’s going to try to fix it. He calls me most days to check on me. I’m moving forward.
Someone commented that maybe I had pursued him.
No.
I had been single for 15 years, for various reasons.
When my friend started paying a little extra attention to me, I missed it. For a month or so. Then he blew me a kiss. Grabbed my hand when I went to hand him some paperwork.
I scared me. I asked my girlfriends, ‘Is be flirting with me?’
So one day I talked to him about it. Said I wasn’t sure how to feel because of his kids and my relationship to the family.
Anyhow. That’s how it started.
Perhaps I should have said no.
But there was a deep friendship that grew. We did have a lot of fun together.

AmberSpyglass

8 months after his wife died and you’re the family’s employee. I’m sorry, but that would raise major red flags for me as an adult DC.

Given the nature of your work, if you’re not well-off financially and if he tends to be the one paying for you both then I can understand their concerns.

Wow, this is unpleasant. From what I understand it was he who pursued the OP, not the other way around. And again, the concerns are rooted in finances. They are dating - they are not living together and not planning to marry in haste, so what exactly is the problem ? They started dating 8 months after his wife died and were still dating 9 months later when he broke it off because of the pressure being brought to bear. The fact that his wife was ‘the help’ and her financial position is irrelevant at the moment because they don’t have any joint financial commitment. The time to sort finances out is if they decide they want to live together or marry, and pool their resources - if this is done right and his children are provided for, then they have nothing to worry about. To me, this seems more about the money than concern for their father. He knows his own mind - it’s now going on for 17 months after his wife died and they were still pressurising him to end the relationship even though he obviously cares about her a great deal. How long is long enough, and if he gives in to the pressure this time, what happens when he meets someone else ? At the age of 60 he has a lot of life left to live and if he caves in under the pressure from his family, if and when he meets someone else, they won’t think twice about bringing that pressure to bear again, because it worked the first time. I don’t think this is about the OP - they were quick to level accusations of her being a gold digger even though the relationship is/was only in its’ early stages and I fear the same thing will happen with any other woman who gets near him.

Hi 1nana2025
I hope you're OK. Dealing with a breakup is hard, even more so in these circumstances. I hope you're being kind to yourself and taking it easy

A friend lost his wife to cancer in his forties. Everyone was very pleased when he met a nice lady who was widowed around the same time. They married and the relationship blossomed with both sets of children being supportive.
Later they realised they needed new wills. The husband made his out on the basis of his new wife inheriting half of what he owned. He asked his daughter to be an executor. She was very upset. She felt that she and her brother should inherit the family home as it had largely been paid for when their mother died and the mortgage insurance came into play. The new wife had previously lived in a tied house and didn't bring a property to the second marriage.
A compromise was found in a revised will (Scottish) for the husband. His children would inherit their childhood home on his death. If their stepmother survived him she would be allowed to remain in the house rentfree until her death.

I was thinking with any sudden death you have to go through the pressure of an inquest. 17 months ago we were in lockdown and inquests and funerals were delayed and complicated. Goodness knows how long this family had to wait and deal with things. The grieving process couldn't even begin properly until they were dealt with. The son would have had to give evidence.

Pammie1

@trisher * I don't believe anyone builds happiness on someone else's misery.*

So either he and the OP are happy and the family are miserable, or the family are happy and the he and the OP are miserable. It doesn’t matter which way round it happens does it ? I’m not saying that they shouldn’t try to resolve things, but I don’t see what good them splitting up, even temporarily, will do. If and when they get back together all the resentment and anger will just resurface because it’s obvious that the family think she’s after his money. I don’t see how a temporary split will change that. They’re treating their father like a child and blackmailing him with his grandchildren. He may well feel some regret if his family follow through on their threats, but if he gives the OP up he may also resent his family for the rest of his life, for forcing him to give up a chance at happiness for no good reason.

No he has a period where the family deal with their grief (especially the son who witnessed it), He talks through the grief the anger and the other emotions which are part of grief with them. He talks about the future which will be different. He plans and provides for them. Then he reintroduces the OP. The family may be just interested in the money, but whatever the situation he will know he has done his best, The OP will not have been involved and both can start a life knowing they have done their best for his children.

@trisher * I don't believe anyone builds happiness on someone else's misery.*

So either he and the OP are happy and the family are miserable, or the family are happy and the he and the OP are miserable. It doesn’t matter which way round it happens does it ? I’m not saying that they shouldn’t try to resolve things, but I don’t see what good them splitting up, even temporarily, will do. If and when they get back together all the resentment and anger will just resurface because it’s obvious that the family think she’s after his money. I don’t see how a temporary split will change that. They’re treating their father like a child and blackmailing him with his grandchildren. He may well feel some regret if his family follow through on their threats, but if he gives the OP up he may also resent his family for the rest of his life, for forcing him to give up a chance at happiness for no good reason.

Whatever the children feel it will almost certainly be coloured by inheritance. We used know someone, whose mother died after 50 years or of marriage. The father took up with a woman who supposedly had been a sweetheart before he married. His children asked if he had made a will (he was in his 80s) and the answer was "No. She'll do the right thing" He died within 2 years of re-marriage and she did not do the right thing. She kept absolutely everything, including old family portraits, and furniture which had been in the family for generations. The ancestors had been high ranking officers in the army previously and so there was a lot of personal family stuff and she wouldn't let them have any of it.

Some people are so spiteful when it comes to money

My grandfather married after my grandmother died, after almost 50 years of marriage. She was v different to my GM and had little in common with my GF or our family.

After about 5 years, he admitted to me he'd married out of loneliness and it had been a mistake. But he was an honourable man and they remained married until his death.

At which point, her family tried to get their hands on the inheritance which was all from my GP. New wife had nothing. They were foiled by my greedy uncle and aunt though, who managed to get everything, nothing for my branch of the family.

Apart from the very short time after what seems to have been a very tragic accident, the poster was an employee, so well known over a period of time by the family who may believe the relationship started prior to the death of their mother.

The other may well be inheritance. It happened in our extended family and caused huge distress, The new wife and her children inherited everything, House, savings, insurance payout etc etc.
His children were always close to their father, and had been on friendly terms with the new wife, but when he died they had nothing, neither money nor even a small keepsake.
In essence he wrongly assumed she would be fair to his children. He knew he was ill but failed to include them in his Will. It left a very bitter taste.

Pammie1

trisher

Incidently it isn't "never knowing" to postpone something their life together would just be later when other issues had been dealt with.

As I said, why should they put their lives on hold to placate the family ? And the anger they face is mostly directed at her, so what good is stepping back, why not face the issues together and try to resolve them. Threatening to withhold contact with his grandchildren is an appalling thing to do and tantamount to blackmail. They shouldn’t give in to such tactics.

So do you foresee anyone being really happy if the two do go ahead Pammie1 won't he always have a sense of regret for the pain his children went through? Won't that possibly sour their relationship? I don't believe anyone builds happiness on someone else's misery. Grief can make people say and do things in anger it's a recognised part of the process.

Do you think they'll come round eventually 1Nana? You said they treated you like part of the family so maybe given time they will come round?

I agree with you by the way, I think you dating should be fine maybe let the dust settle a bit?

As for the comments re time. Lots of people who are widows feel they don't have time to 'lose' too.

trisher

Incidently it isn't "never knowing" to postpone something their life together would just be later when other issues had been dealt with.

As I said, why should they put their lives on hold to placate the family ? And the anger they face is mostly directed at her, so what good is stepping back, why not face the issues together and try to resolve them. Threatening to withhold contact with his grandchildren is an appalling thing to do and tantamount to blackmail. They shouldn’t give in to such tactics.

@trisher. I really do see where you’re coming from, but how the family deal with their grief shouldn’t have any bearing on how their dad chooses to live his life. It’s not as though he started the relationship straight away even though he knew the OP. Eight months is a long time when you’re grieving and I’m at a loss to understand why, if their concern for their dad is genuine, they are not happy that he’s found companionship with the OP and has a chance to be happy again. He obviously wanted to continue the relationship and has ended it because they are basically holding their grandchildren to ransom. They’ve levelled the accusation of ‘gold digger’ at the OP and that’s what I keep coming back to - they seem more concerned about their inheritance than their dad’s well being. She may well decide to step back in the face of so much opposition, but that’s a hard decision for both of them if they care about each other and what does that actually achieve ? The relationship ends, the family get what they want, and their dad goes back to loneliness and misery. Not a good outcome for anyone but the family as far as I can see.

Incidently it isn't "never knowing" to postpone something their life together would just be later when other issues had been dealt with.