Daughters birthday yesterday. Feeling hurt ?.

When we give a gift (of cake!) it’s up to the recipient how they use it or what they do with it. I’d say you are overthinking that bit.
I’m always glad to have mother/daughter time with my offspring & although I have a loving and easy relationship with my son in law, I never ever mind if he’s preoccupied elsewhere in their house when I visit.
Try not to obsess over your recent encounter or what prevailed during & after. Be glad for what you have when all around us, parents are estranged from their young ones.

You didn’t stay long - did you even suggest lighting the candles for the cake? Sounds like a bit of an odd trip, frankly.

Like other posters mention it is possible your SIL has difficulty being sociable. My DGS who is fine lovely and friendly with us cannot go into a shop and buy anything, he is socially anxious. Of course your SIL may be rude but rather than think that why not give him the benefit of the doubt. Your DD says he is shy. Maybe you should just think that perhaps he finds it difficult to converse and just chat with your DD and grandchildren and leave him to join in if and when he feels able.

You feel miffed but you are best swallowing your pride DiL SiL relations can be rather awkward. I do not know why but that’s the way it is sometimes. We get on well with ours but there have been awkward moments. If you criticise your son or daughters partners you will be in the wrong you can’t win. Don’t take it to heart you see your family that’s all that matters as some grans don’t even get that chance.

Perhaps your SiL is socially anxious with most people. It might not be about you. It's lovely that the grandkids reported that everyone enjoyed the cake.

M0ira

Yes, I took the cake but, it was eaten later by SiL parents et al.
We felt very uncomfortable being at our daughters so didn’t stay too long.

I'm puzzled that you didn't all co-ordinate the time so that you could enjoy tea and cake together.

Our sil can be rude and it was uncomfortable sometimes so I do understand, but he has recently been diagnosed with Autism which helps us to understand but over the years we learned not to take his apparent rudeness to heart.
Surely being there with dd and gds was enough, so why were you uncomfortable enough to leave. Was anything said?
Be happy to see dd and your gds so regularly. It’s lovely they come over every Saturday.

Have you thought that it is quite nice that your son in law feels comfortable enough just to get on with his "stuff". If you only saw them once or twice a year then he should certainly have stopped and made conversation, but it sounds like you see them quite often.

I wouldn't expect my adult children to drop everything everytime I pop in. You are overthinking this - they all made a point of saying how lovely the cake was etc.

Yes, I took the cake but, it was eaten later by SiL parents et al.
We felt very uncomfortable being at our daughters so didn’t stay too long.

I'm confused - do you mean you took a birthday cake but no-one ate any of it when you were there, then they and your DD's in-laws enjoyed it later?

Perhaps if you'd not left you could have all had tea and cake together.

Overthinking, yes! I knew my MIL for nearly twenty years and I don’t think we ever had an in-depth conversation. It was the same with my SIL. We got on, but we had absolutely nothing in common. On the other hand, OH got on brilliantly with my parents and has a good relationship with my brother and sister. Surely so long as everyone is polite, there shouldn’t be a problem.

After 12 years of knowing him he needs to sit and make
Polite chat every visit ? He was busy. He can surely be excused.