Daughters birthday yesterday. Feeling hurt ?.

Ah, reading your replies M0ira I think everything will be ok for you all

Once again I offer my gratitude to all those positive and useful comments. Life can be complicated, but, next time I will take great care to a) make all the arrangements clear.
b) be upbeat and decisive I.e. take charge of the cake!
c) allow my SiL all the space he requires.
d) enjoy being with my daughter and grandchildren.
Hope all you lovely grans netters get to see your grand children soon.?

eazybee

You made your daughter a birthday cake and she didn't offer you a piece?
Very bad manners, never mind about your son in law.

I completely agree. Very bad manners and rude.

I think part of it stems from is the cake a gift or is it a cake to share.

If it was a gift, she might not have wanted to cut it then - perhaps wasn’t hungry.

If it was to share, perhaps she was waiting for her mother to start to set it up?

So much of the can be fixed with clear communications Of expectations next time ?

I sometimes despair at what goes on in people's minds. I do think so many AC revert back to 'childish 'behaviour when in their parent's company. Whether this is partly to do with the parent's behaviour towards them, I don't know. I include myself in this too!

MOira, if that had been me I think I would have been a bit miffed! If I had taken a cake to my daughters ( arranging a convenient time of course ) I would anticipate both my SIL and my DD would enjoy a slice and cup of tea with me. Certainly would’nt expect them to enjoy the cake with my DD in laws in my absence! It would have been nice to enjoy the cake together especially as there was a GD there.
However perhaps perhaps your SIL thought it was his responsibility to provide a birthday cake for his wife. In the grand scheme of things I ‘ get it ‘ but don’t allow the issue to grow out of all proportion!

Love your last comment M0ira! It’s always a pleasure to see someone graciously accept that they may have been mistaken in their thinking, as opposed to going kicking and screaming. The later may be silly to watch but the former is just so refreshing. Have a wonderful day!

M0ira

Yes, you are all right. I am overthinking it. Our SiL has always been quiet and doesn’t interact with us at all well. He does, however, get on very well with his own parents who pop round almost daily! They all go away on holidays together and every Christmas Day and birthdays they visit. I suppose in my mind I was hoping for a celebration with us, for a change?
Never mind. Next year I will sort out a Birthday tea at our home.
Thank you all, as ever, the lovely grans net community. ?

I think this is the right idea- if you want something, you need to plan it.

Why not invite them over for a meal next week? No reason to wait another year

You made your daughter a birthday cake and she didn't offer you a piece?
Very bad manners, never mind about your son in law.

Oh, I don’t think there’s a lot of empathy on here! Of course grit your teeth and get on with it - what choice is there? But I think you can feel hurt and rather that heaping blame on you for that, perhaps it’s ok to say your family were at the least, thoughtless. There may indeed be other stuff going on - life is seldom simple. It’s great that they all loved the cake. Maybe try to be a bit more assertive next time.
Is it unusual for the husbands family to have more interaction? Holidays together, Christmases, celebrations ? Do you feel left out? Is he a bit controlling with all this silence? As I say, life is full of complex issues! The more sensitive you feel about it, the more sensitised you become, that’s the trouble.

I've been overthinking it too and wondered if they'd had a tiff before you arrived.
I remember having a rather uncomfortable time at relatives house one Christmas, they were perfectly nice and polite but there was a bit of an odd atmosphere.
It was nothing to do with us - they'd had a row before we arrived and weren't speaking to each other.

Ps they managed to reach their Golden Wedding and beyond (they were speaking again by then! ?)

Yes, you are all right. I am overthinking it. Our SiL has always been quiet and doesn’t interact with us at all well. He does, however, get on very well with his own parents who pop round almost daily! They all go away on holidays together and every Christmas Day and birthdays they visit. I suppose in my mind I was hoping for a celebration with us, for a change?
Never mind. Next year I will sort out a Birthday tea at our home.
Thank you all, as ever, the lovely grans net community. ?

If your daughter says he is shy then accept that he is shy. If you do not think he is or ‘should’ be shy then you would have to assume that he simply does not want to socialise with you.

The nicest things my Sons-in-law can do, when I visit, is to say 'Hello', and then leave me with my daughter. They know that I come to visit HER not the both of them. (this applies to all three of my daughters who have husbands, all of them far longer than twelve years.
Really not sure what the Poster is moaning about - they took a birthday cake, and it was used on the birthday -albeit not when they were there.
Sound a little jealous of the relationship had with this couple by the other parents.

I was quite reserved when I got married and somewhat scared of mil who did nothing to make me feel at ease. When she and fil came round she expected me to drop everything and rush to greet them. If I didn’t, say I was busy in the kitchen, she would be really huffy. This just made the whole situation worse and I felt more like hiding every time. Not saying op hasn’t made sil welcome, but he may just be more reserved.

Overthinking

You are spoiling a perfectly pleasant interaction with unreasonable expectations.

What would you have wanted your sil to do instead?

Your daughter graciously accepted your visit and cake and you saw her on her bday - isn't that all you asked for? Mission accomplished

Your sil was busy doing something on his own home and said hello, why did he need to stop to play host? Your daughter was there to play hostess after all

In the future, if you did want to enjoy the cake with them, why not say " can I drop to celebrate your bday with some tea and a slice of cake?

Your sil and daughter already know you do not how he behaves when you are around.
The more you mention it, the worse it becomes.
I wouldn't mention it again.
Could you be expecting too much of him?

Don't people feel more comfortable with their own family of origin after all?

Some couples follow the philosophy of "you deal with your family, I deal with mine"
Could that be what he is doing?

I don't understand, he said hello, it was a last minute visit he wasn't expecting you've known him to be shy for 12 years...

Why does that make you uncomfortable?

Shy could mean he has social anxiety and that's not his fault, people with social anxiety manage three or energy and often can't cope with unplanned visits at short notice. It's definitely not a reflection of his feelings about you.

He did nothing to suggest you weren't welcome, he just stayed out of the way. Probably thinking he would make you uncomfortable by being shy around you.

I think you should have just stayed and enjoyed tea and cake with the person you were actually there to visit.

I see where your coming from MOira. We have family members like this. We make arrangements to drop in with a gift, sometimes their partner isn’t there, other times they there, but not happy joining in with the happy celebration we were hoping for. After 20 years we have sort of got used to it, just wish it was different.
Don’t dwell on it. Just carry on being yourself, at least your showing you care. He’s probably more at ease with his own family ?‍♀️ It’s his problem not yours. Maybe you could take them out instead, then at least he could refuse, and you could have a lovely time with your daughter.

I picture that scenario in my circumstances and in no time my husband would be through with SiL talking the technicalities of the Hoover and we girls would be left to it. Very polite for you to check if going round with the cake was convenient but get the feeling you had a nervousness before even arriving. Hope I'm wrong..

He isn't going to change so if you want to see your DD and GC, learn to ignore him
That's not going to help to improve the situation.

Where were the DGC?

I still think it's all very odd.

He was in the middle of doing something, and also clearly isn't sociable.

You're letting your SIL control your relationship with your daughter. He wasn't even in the room. 12 years is a long time not to get used to the fact that he's anti-social. He isn't going to change so if you want to see your DD and GC, learn to ignore him.

M0ira

We never just pop in. I did message my daughter to ask if we could visit with a cake. We went at tea time but, the cake was not mentioned. Perhaps, I should have said something to prompt lighting the candles etc. my fault entirely.

I wouldn't have expected her to light the candles on her own cake.

In fact I would probably have gone into the kitchen with it and enlisted the help of SIL to light the candles and take it in as a surprise. And probably waited for the rest of the family first.

But we're all different.

I feel there’s more to this in the background. You must have had conversations about your SIL in the past, for your daughter to ‘ always’ excuse his rudeness as shyness.

Whatever the reasons, perhaps you could sit and talk to your daughter about things in more depth. Just the two of you.

The ‘cake’ just sounds like the tip of the iceberg. Sorry if I’m wrong.

Yes I think you needed to lead it with a ‘happy birthday I brought this for us all to have a cuppa and slice’ (or better still ‘a glass of wine and a slice’ ) or why not stay longer until the in-laws arrived and have a mini get together
Do you get on with the in laws ?
Don’t blame yourself just don’t obsess about it and remember for the next birthday

As for son in law…. my ex son in law, always used to leave the room after hellos and I was fine with that He wasn’t shy just didn’t do small talk unless it was with his friends I didn’t particularly have anything in common with him so after a few polite words I was happy to see him tootle off

We never just pop in. I did message my daughter to ask if we could visit with a cake. We went at tea time but, the cake was not mentioned. Perhaps, I should have said something to prompt lighting the candles etc. my fault entirely.