Mentionitis of an odd kind.

According to what I have read on MN, the advice given to those in the same situation as you is to get in touch with Women’s Aid who will help and advise with marital problems, which I am sorry to hear you are having. They will help with financial advice and I believe it possible to have a free half hour with a solicitor, should you reach the point you decide to leave this emotionally abusive marriage.
You deserve so much better than a life of abuse and violence from this man who treats you so badly.

I would ask the best friend if he has any suspicions about his wife. You could both keep logs of when she and your husband go out and compare dates and times - do they coincide? The best friend won't be his best friend for long if they do.

I think it’s time to leave him to Wendy - let her suffer him for that is what she’ll do. Perhaps her husbands’s inured to her behaviour. It might be worth discussing this with him.
Regain your dignity and self-confidence no matter how little money you have. You’ve tried, you really have. Best wishes Jezra. In the meantime lean on GN.

He sounds delusional.

Wendy may not even know he's behaves like this (it is very odd behaviour) and might be horrified if she thought for one moment she might get landed with him because you left him and her husband left her.

Ltb

He doesn't sound as though he is very kind to you or deserving of your love Jezra. Your life is too short and too precious to put up with someone who doesn't treat you well.

I hear you saying that you wish he would respect you and your feelings and that this would all stop. However hard you try you can't wish someone into behaving decently. Some people just won't and it sounds as though he is one of them.

He's been violent in the past and is unkind now. He belittles your worries and says you are mad.

From my outsider's point of view it's hard to see what this relationship brings for you. It is easy to imagine that, even if you were less financially comfortable, you would be better off without him. You could forge a calm, balanced and peaceful life on your own. A life where you can treat yourself with the respect you deserve and start afresh surrounding yourself with people who are generous with their kindness and easy to be with.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh and that happier days are just around the corner for you.

Time to wield (or is that 'weld') a heavy frying pan, I think. Seriously, though, don't you retaliate? (I would have to, by taking the p*ss out of him.)

Why don’t you record some of these ramblings on your phone and play it back when you have one of these conversations.

He sounds horrible. Even though he acts loving sometimes, you know it won't last.
Please take the advice here to find out your options for how to proceed. Being better informed will help you decide what to do.
(Btw, changing the locks to keep him out is illegal anyway.)

Jezra, I am so sorry you are having to endure this wounding and frankly spiteful behaviour. You deserve so much more.You don't have to endure him though. Please contact your local CAB (a totally confidential service) for viable options. You say he has used violence in the past and you are fearful of igniting a similar response. That is domestic violence. There are agencies that will assist you. I hear what you are saying re finance. CAB will run benefit checks etc. Please keep posting. There are always people here to listen

I not 8!

Thank you Madgran77. You’ve suggested some +ve things to consider doing. It has crossed my mind to look at legal advice.
8 would have to do it in secret though as DH tends to hide some of his assets.

Jezra would it help to get some legal advice on what your situation would be if you did leave him? It would help you to look at all options maybe? Also I think an appointment just for yourself with Relare to talk yhrough your situation might help you too. You don't have to attend Relate as a couple

This just doesn't sound like a happy or loving relationship and you sound unhappy. He is being unkind, gas lighting you, tormenting you. It is really not loving or caring and sadly when he is kind seems to be part of confusing you in the whole scenario, with his changeable behaviour

I am so sorry that you are facing this

You mentioned before he may have dementia so could be part of that as it sounds weird. If he is teasing you then that is cruel and you either tell him you won't answer if he speaks like that or make some plans to leave him.

Thanks for your understanding eazybee. It helps just being able to tell someone and remain anonymous.

If only Shandy57. He has been violent in the past but I worked hard on that with him to get him where he is today. I feel he would revert if I did what you suggest. He bears grudges against people he thinks have wronged him.

He is behaving like a nasty teenager, with malice aforethought. He thinks he is clever, he is boasting, he knows you know and he is enjoying tormenting you. And he is doing his best to force you to bring things to a head, and then he can blame you for the fallout.
I recognise the symptoms but I don't know what to advise; it depends on how he treats you normally. If this behaviour is out of character then perhaps an explosion, a display of cold hard anger and a refusal to tolerate this belittling. But if this has happened before then he does not respect you and I know from bitter experience he will continue to behave like this as long as he wishes.
I agree that you don't want to leave him, but that leaves you with nothing to threaten him with, and he won't let you ignore him. A horrid situation.

Pammiel - his best friend is oblivious.

You have the patience of a saint Jezra. I'd pack his bags and change the locks.

You’re correct Blossoming - about it not being the only way he treats me with contempt.
CanadianGran - he can be very loving and good to me a lot of the time but I just feel so despondent when he starts his childish capers of trying to push my buttons.
I’m of Waspi age and it would be very difficult to leave him and be able to support myself.

Does his best friend know this is happening ? Because if it’s got to the point where you’re questioning what’s going on, why isn’t he ?

This isn’t the only way he treats you with contempt though, is it? You’ve posted so many times about his appalling behaviour towards you. It’s time this changed. Get rid of the useless old baggage.

And he doesn't respect a request to stop? How bizarre.

Is he generally loving and good to you, or is there a cycle of teasing and disrespect? If you are generally unhappy then you need to do something about it. If he won't have a serious discussion about your feelings, then maybe a counselor would be helpful.

Both I think CanadianGran. Discussing is pointless. He wants a reaction and when I give one he argues and says I’m mad or paranoid. I can’t win. Even if I try to discuss it with him calmly he’ll turn it into “me accusing him”
I just want it all to stop. I don’t want to leave him. I just want him to respect me and my feelings and to confide in me not air all our dirty washing with his best friend’s wife. ?

Is he being cruel or teasing you? It's hard to tell from your post.

I'd have a serious sit down with him and have a discussion.