Son in law

My main concern about this is the OP's judgement that he is a good husband - clearly he is not a good husband for her DD and it her opinion that matters.

No no no. Only the people in a marriage know what goes on no matter what it looks like to the world outside. Imagine he moves in and you become his family like eating meals each evening and watching tv with you etc. You may see it as temporary but it could well be seen by him as too comfortable to move out. This idea has disaster written all over it in my opinion and the consequences could cause more problems on top of the problems a divorce will involve.

As long as you've talked to your daughter about it before offering, and she's good with it, full steam ahead.

It's more important to me to be a safe place for my kids than to support anyone else, so that would be my determining factor.

I doubt you know exactly what went on in their marriage and think like Loule that it sounds odd they didn't have outside friends especially your DD who would have had contact with mothers at nursery and school which is where many long standing friendships start. I can foresee many problems as nothing like that gets sorted out quickly. You really need to sort it out with your DD though sounds like you have already decided.

The only issue I can see is that you don't seem to have discussed this with your daughter. I would get your SiL to talk his plans with her then follow up. In fact it's odd that she does not seem to know. I would tread very carefully here.

Same space, sorr

Plenty of couples separate and live in the same, as roommates, for a short period of time, till further accommodation arrangements are made

Yes I would. If my daughter couldn’t see that I wasn’t taking sides then she doesn’t know me. But I know she wouldn’t ?
You never know, him being in your home might bring them back together.
With respect, it sounds like your daughter is having the youth that she never had by being with the one person from a very young age.
I’ve seen this happen with several young women. Don’t give up on the two of them getting back together.

I think this has ‘disaster’ written all over it. There’s such a big difference between seeing that he’s ok and giving him a roof over his head. Does he have no family? How will your daughter view this arrangement? How awkward will it be when she visits? If he has no friends and works from home will he ever leave?

Sorry it will be seen as taking sides, for him a bed sit or whatever is most convenient then he has the space to himself.
No reason not to be friends even go out with the children together, particularly if he doesn’t have space for them in the bedsit

It is very unusual for neither of them to have friends. I wonder if your SIL may have been discouraging and perhaps even controlling in that respect and it is only now that the children are little older that your daughter feels she can rock the boat and do things for herself.

40 years ago many of my friends' parents split up in similar circumstances; previously stay at home mums or part time working mums retrained/ did OU/ got careers and often friends with it and their husbands struggled. I think the mums' rose tinted spectacles also fell off as they looked at their relationships more objectively.

16 and 17 was very young to marry and settle down. I think you need to make it very clear to your daughter that she is your number one priority and that you have her back. I'd ask her if she is happy for SIL to have your spare room.

Secondarily, while he is in your house, there is a danger that he doesn't parent fully when the children are "with him". Both he and the children need to adjust to mummy and daddy living separately.

Your arrangement, while kindly meant, carries risks.

Based on what you've told us Amanda, yes I would. It appears that very sadly this relationship has come to an end with no one to blame, and helping your s.i.l., who you love, a "fabulous husband and father" does not mean you are being any less supportive of your DD.

Presumably you'll make your D aware of your thoughts and I agree with MissA "I just think it's very cruel to cut someone totally off when they part of a family"

I hope it works out for all of you.

Thank you all for your comments, very interesting reading. And I take on all the points made.

My dd asked us to make sure our son in law will be alright as she fears he will go into a very dark place. Yes we offered and he jumped at the chance.

There’s nothing wrong with a bedsit if you’re in the right frame of mine but he would be there 24/7 as he works from home. I feel that he would benefit from having people around him if needed.

Also when the GC come over to spend time with their Dad they have their own room so not too much of a change. We often go away for weekends so the house can be theirs.

I will do my best not to let this arrangement affect the relationship I have with my dd. It will only be until their finances have been sorted out.

No, I don't think that's wise. If he lives near by welcome him in but you need to support your daughter.
He is the Father of your Grandchildren so he will always be part of your life, but in a different way.
My sister and her ex-husband maintain a good relationship and my ex BiL aways called into see my parents, after all he was the father of their Granddaughter .
My ex BiL has always remained part of our family.
My parents loved him and he is never left off family events.
Talk to your daughter..she needs to know your thoughts.
Talk to him too so he knows what you think, you can maintain a good relationship.
Good luck.

Im sorry but your plan has the makings of a disaster. Your son-in-laws family should be supporting him. Also, if I were you and you go ahead with this, I would be putting a time limit on how long he would be staying. The best thing is to support from a distance, get in the middle of a marriage break up at your peril.

I think you must assume that your SIL is a grown adult and can sort this out for himself.

We love our son in law, he’s a fabulous husband and father - I think your DD is in a better position to judge. especially on whether he is a good husband. You are not in a position to know what goes on in their relationship behind closed doors. Maybe he watches porn, or has personal habits she does not like ... maybe they have simply drifted apart - you are not in a position to make your statement above. And implied in that statement is a criticism of you DD and her decision - and to0 cap it mall you have offered him your spare room!

You are treading on thin ice here - you are saying that your judgement of him trumps your DD's opinions and decisions. I think that your DD would have every right to be pretty pissed off about that; and you are putting your future relationship with her in jeopardy.

How will she feel when she visits you, assuming she continues to do so?

Anyway - you have already asked him, so you will have to deal with the fallout. However amicable a split might seem, it is always very tricky at the start.

Nobody is suggesting cutting him off completely, though - just not having him staying in the house when he and the OP's daughter have separated.

Maybe so, but it depends on the arrangements, how the daughter feels, and all manner of things.
I just think it's very cruel to cut someone totally off when they are part of the family.

MissAdventure

I don't see why you shouldn't offer him a place to stay (for now)
Supporting your daughter needn't mean you need to shun your son in law.

There is a huge gulf between shunning and asking him to move in, though.

No I wouldn't, sorry.

My daughter would get my support.

I think it's very healthy that she has made a circle of friends and is now enjoying some time outside of the family unit.

I don't see why you shouldn't offer him a place to stay (for now)
Supporting your daughter needn't mean you need to shun your son in law.

A friend offered her DIL and GC help with a home and childcare after a divorce, she is now estranged from her DS who saw it as a complete betrayal and said his mother hadn't realised what had gone one. I would be very careful with this, how will she feel about visiting you, it is unlikely you know the whole story.

Sending him a card on his birthday, or helping him move house are both ok, IMO.

Putting him up in your house is definitely not ok, though.

My SIL is also lovely, but my first loyalty is to my daughter, and always will be.

I will just add that I had a lovely relationship with ex-MIL - lots of visits and cards etc - but would never have moved in.

I would also say that although you feel that SIL is blameless that you likely do not know all the ins and outs of their marriage. It's possible that he was clingy and not supportive of her having her own friends or doing things without her. Perhaps your dd felt stifled and controlled? They got together at an extremely young age of 16 where relationships can be very intense and exclude others - but most grow up and want a wider social circle. If he moves in with you it doesn't allow either of them to properly separate. Will he use living at your house to "keep tabs on her"? It doesn't sound healthy

What is wrong with a bedsit, by the way?

"a one-room apartment typically consisting of a combined bedroom and sitting room with cooking facilities."

It is only as temporary as he wants it to be and it is a roof over his head.