Fed up with daughter

www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/a1305078-Moved-over-100-miles-AIBU

This is much more complex than the post here

So you moved to be closed to her and now she wants to move to be with her boyfriend
Do you resent her because now you are in a location you do not want to be because she is moving?

In the other thread, you say he is a good man.

The father of the kids, your ex sil, has been abusing your dd.

Given this new info, back off.
If it's a rebound relationship, so it be.

This is difficult

Does your dd realize she picks the wrong partners with similar traits?

I agree Chewbacca there are children to consider here and a desire to up root them which will affect the contact they have with their father should not be taken lightly, as seems to be the case here.

I would be very worried too Daftbag and would be unable to say nothing in these circumstances.

Thank you so much for this Sue. It’s very helpful in a situation we’re in with our son at the moment.

ETA, I realise I’ve contradicted myself there(!) but what I meant is that she didn’t go to the court to get permission to move so her ex didn’t have a chance to object. Tbh, it was a while ago and the details are escaping me but I do know it’s had awful repercussions for her and she should have listened to what the lawyers said.

Discodancer she didn’t do a flit. It was all known to her ex (who had a conviction for assaulting her, by the way, but the courts don’t necessarily see that as an impediment to custody of children) and he had told her was not happy with the new arrangements.

When she carried out her plans he went to court the children were removed from her and given to their father. She was granted one day a fortnight custody. That was two or maybe two and a half years ago. She’s now moved back to the original area, which she was told to do by the courts, but still only has four nights contact out of fourteen.

SueDonim

Are the courts involved in the custody of the children? If so, a judge could take a very dim view of this. I know someone who did this very thing, moving away without clearing it with her ex. He took her to court and won custody of the children. Two years later and she still only has limited contact with no sign she’ll ever regain full custody.

Sue...when you say moving away without clearing it with her ex, do you mean she did a flit, and didn’t tell him at all? Or did she go after discussing with him, but he wouldn’t have wanted her to go?

If it were me, I would let my daughter know of my concerns, but keep the doors of communication open. You don't say how old the children are, or if they are going to school. This is a really big upheaval for them.

Also, this is a big change for the new man. He is taking on your DD plus two children. Does he have room, is he willing to help support DD while she gets settled and finds a job? You don't say anything of her financial situation. She should not be beholden to him.

Saying all this, I don't know if she will change her mind, but do keep the your heart and doors open in case she returns in a few months.

I was assuming that the father was found to be ok with the children as the poster states that it will impact their father seeing them.

could you offer to have the children so that they can continue at the same school to complete this academic year.
by that time she might have come to her senses.

Elizabeth27

As your daughter is moving the children away from their father it will be up to her to transport them at her expense for visitation. I hope the father insists on his rights, anything to make it awkward for her. Is the father in a position to gain custody?

I do feel sorry for the children who are leaving schools, friends, and their relations. Awful situation for you and them.

Maybe I read ths wrong ,the EX was abusive and controlling and people on here are annoyed in case he doesn't get to see his children? REALLY .I would be more concerned if they kept seeing him...not exactly the kind of man you want your children /grandchildren to be around

Is she financially dependent on this man? I hope she can earn her own living and support her children. Calmly urge her to protect her financial interests.

Are the courts involved in the custody of the children? If so, a judge could take a very dim view of this. I know someone who did this very thing, moving away without clearing it with her ex. He took her to court and won custody of the children. Two years later and she still only has limited contact with no sign she’ll ever regain full custody.

The best way to a mother’s heart is through her children I would think. If she thinks there’s a chance she could be hurting them, it may make her think.

You say she knows how you feel, but how do you know? I wouldn’t normally advocate getting involved, but see nothing wrong with having one conversation. It shows you care about her and your grandchildren.

After that, I’m afraid it’s up to her, but at the moment, she may just think you don’t care.

Take care.

I would be just as scared as you are.
I have a friend no it isn't me whose DS's ex partner shacked up with an unsuitable boyfriend very soon after the split.
DS was angry and the children expressed enough about the situation to warrant his demand of custody. He didn't want his children to be with an unknown new boyfriend.
Now their mother has some visiting rights but has lost custody and he, plus my poor friend, who is in their late 70s, are bringing these DC up without their mum.
Not a happy situation.

I hope you can make DD see sense. and think of the DC first.

As your daughter is moving the children away from their father it will be up to her to transport them at her expense for visitation. I hope the father insists on his rights, anything to make it awkward for her. Is the father in a position to gain custody?

I do feel sorry for the children who are leaving schools, friends, and their relations. Awful situation for you and them.

How long has she been with the new partner. If it has only been a few weeks, this is a big decision for her to be making, especially considering the upheaval to the children.

Has the new partner offered to try to find work nearer to your DH? In my opinion, if he had any consideration he would have done this.

At the end of the day you can't stop her from moving but I hope you can make her see the cons of what she is proposing.

My daughter divorced her cheating husband and within 3 months had met a new man .Like your daughter she had 2 young children.I tried to talk her out of the relaionship but she was sure it would be right for her.When they had been together for just 3 months she discovered she was pregnant...it was unexpected because she had needed fertility treatment to have the first two .
The new man decided to move 400 miles to be with her and 12 years later they are still together ,still exceptionally happy and he and his parents treat her oldest two as their own I admit to being very judgemental about it for a long while but as she pointed out to me I and her dad set a wedding date 4 months after we met .
I think you need to try to offer her some support JUST IN CASE it doesn't work out but hope that it will.Sometimes these things work out very well in spite of our fears .I send you and the new wee family my best wishes

sharon103

Sometimes they have to learn by making their own mistakes although I would still try to reason with her.

Problem is they don’t learn, she’s just left a man that was wrong for her and it sounds like the same mistakes are being made again.
My sister was like that, used to hang around with the “bad boys” at school, eventually married one, divorced him after a few years, then married one even worse.

Difficult for you with the GC being involved but it really has to be her decision and only give a calm and rational opinion of you are ever asked. It is your concern, but not your business, unfortunately.

Empowering your daughter to make her own decisions in life and being happy for her would, I agree, be the best way forward if she had only herself to think about. As it is, she has 2 young dependent children to think about as a priority and I can easily understand why you're so concerned for their welfare Daftbag1; most parents and grandparents would be too. Does your daughter know how unhappy the children are and do you feel that you can discuss that with her? I also wondered whether the children have a good relationship with their father and whether staying with him is an option?

Sometimes they have to learn by making their own mistakes although I would still try to reason with her.

I can imagine how hurt and upset you are, especially since you moved house to be nearer to her. She is obviously very much in love with this new man. However, I think it’s on the rebound but I doubt she will listen to anyone. It seems like her children are old enough to understand what’s going on.
All you can do is hope that she will come to her senses, before taking the plunge . Keep calm and your fingers crossed that this new relationship will fizzle out as quickly as it began. Good luck !

Your daughter sounds as she is on the rebound with her new partner. I would be having a talk to her I couldn't be quiet I would have to speak my mind. Outlining everything that is wrong about her planned move. It's too hasty and it is selfish the truth does hurt but sometimes it has too.

I feel for you. I’d be pretty worried too. Are you able to discuss things with her? Get her to see the effect on her children?