The Golden Child

biglouis I think that is very brave of you to say.

I had to overcome a lot of bad learned behaviour in my parenting journey and break the cycle that ran in my family. Because I am different to my mum (probably the reason I was easy to scapegoat) I learned these lessons quite quickly.

Choosing not to have children is also a valid way of breaking that cycle.

I hope you have broken it in yourself though and overcome your childhood.

That's so sad, biglouis. I was the opposite. Because I felt that I had no-one of my own, I wanted four children. It wasn't to be, I had only two, but they are my greatest blessing.
I hope you have found a level of contentment in your life in spite of your past.

biglouis.........

What I learned from my childhood was that I did not want children - ever! I have a fearful (and sometimes violent) temper and could never be sure that I would not physically or mentally abuse a child who was constantly hanging around and holding me back. I have never regretted my decsion.

My relationship with my sister remains cool and we see little of one another.

My younger brother was the golden child as the only boy among four children. It didn’t bother me and my sisters, we were all had a very happy childhood and we actually used his position to our advantage later on! When mum developed Alzheimer’s and we needed some support to help look after her, we were able to tell mum that Peter wanted her to have carers or stop driving etc and she was far more accepting than if I asked her! At her care home, she talks far more about Peter and some of the carers thought we might be upset but we just find it funny. Mention of him coming to visit usually calms her down if she gets anxious so I’m afraid we invoke his name a lot!

Luckily we all get on very well and are totally united in our care of mum, we have a WhatsApp group to discuss things and agree what needs doing.

My late husband's parents married in 1952 because he was due in six months, I don't think they would have married if he hadn't been on the way.

His brother was born five years later, and was the 'golden child'. It made my husband very sad. When my husband died six years ago, my BIL turned up and paid lip service at the funeral, we haven't seen him since. As Uncle to my two young adult children, and a vicar, I thought he would be kind.

Paddyanne, yes I do understand that we all have our own perspective growing up. My four siblings are spread apart by 10 years, so there was a different experience for each as we grew up.

I think the thing with my older sister is that she always sees the cup less than half full, no matter what! Even before I was born my mum said she never smiled, and then she would pinch me as a baby. If you have a pain, hers is much worse, her half of the chocolate bar seemed always less, etc. She forgets that I always wore her hand me downs, and never had anything new! She is just the type to see the negative, not the positive.

I love her dearly, and my other siblings agree that she is a bit doom and gloom, but we try to change subjects when we talk to remember the fun times.

I was the eldest if three children, the youngest was rather spoilt by my mother, dad treated us much the same. It wasn’t the way to say I love you or show loads of affection as I did with mine, but it was just different times, I felt loved, mother was always busy but with the youngest money was easier and she was the sort of child who didn’t want friends just mother, so I guess she was the golden child. I can honestly say I didn’t resent that one bit as I was a lot different and always busy with something or other.

No favourites in our house when we were small but one of my siblings was jealous of me and still is! Always trying to cause trouble but I still don’t know why? This still goes on and we are in our late seventies now!!

My husband is one of 7 & the golden children remains an issue long after his mum’s death. The oldest girl always had the extras holiday abroad etc ( only 2 girls ) . As number a middle child with 2 followed close ( then a younger bro by 10 years )behind my husband was /is always an outsider.
His younger brother has always been doted on ( bro 4) by parents and his siblings. He has done some truelly mean things to his parents and my husband but is forgiven anything & can do no wrong. I have seen myself how very different my H is treated and how much it has hurt him.
My Husband has always been the one who visits, helps out but no4 is the one they wanted to see and adore. Despite being together since I was 17 I am treated as an outsider and been told on several occasions by different family members I’m not part of the family.
People are strange.
And yes we still visit regularly, sent cards etc. But it still hurts

biglouis - how awful for you . I hope you are happy now….

The child who is "golden" can come to use their power against the "black sheep" and it was certainly so in our house. My sister was a liar and a snitch and always found a way to put the blame on me for various things. That nearly always meant a beating from my father.

One of the things she did was to eat the last biscuit or cookie but leave the empty packet in the cupboard. Then she would ask mum in her special little voice "Can I have a biscuit please". Then, on being given permission would immediately reach for the packet (which she knew to be empty) and begin to cry crocadile tears. My sister was outstandinhgly pretty and I was (as previously cited) a plain gawky child. I was always accused for having eaten the last one and always got a whalloping because no one beleived me over her. Not for eating the last biscuit but for being too lazy to throw away the empty packet. I got into the habit of checking the cupboard for any empty packets or jars before she got in from school.

That stopped her. She wasnt the sharpest tool in the box.

At age 16 my sister had a child out of wedlock - still a great disgrace in the early 1960s. So there were five of us in a tiny terraced two up-two down with no bathroom. I began to look for a flat and with my grandmothers help I found a new build and made secret plans to excape.

One day my mother told me"We've had a lot of extra expense with the baby so your going to have to tip up a lot more money starting next month." So Im supposed to work to keep my sisters unplanned child? I will always remember her face when I told her that I would be moving out a week on friday. She panicked and demanded to know how they were going to manage.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys, as they say.

One or two posters have remarked that being the golden child can have some drawbacks. When my father died my mother became very needy and clingy. My sister was constantly having to call around - sometimes twice a day to put right trivial things. By then I was working in another city and working at a full time demanding job. Not having a car can have its advantages.

I always thought my sister was paying it back for being the golden girl. Karma can be a bitch.

I had a wonderful childhood. Being the youngest of nine, I was spoilt. I wonder what my older siblings made of it, but I don’t remember any complaints.
Talking of ‘favourites’, how about the other side of the coin? My husband (now Ex), was always the favourite parent. He was always the generous one, never disciplined them, (in my eyes, it was sheer indifference)), probably because, he was more interested in having affairs and just let me get on with my parenting. Result, my children have memories of a constantly angry mum ( I really should have left him) and a very kind Dad. My daughter, in particular adores her Dad, he can do no wrong. Just about an hour ago, she told me that it was her Dad who led her on the right career path. I just said ‘thanks’ and ended the conversation. It’s not worth having an argument over it.

Ithink unless you lived her life you have no idea what her reality was.Canadiangran I was a middle child and largely ignored,my oldest sister had health issues ,next oldest was"the beautiful one" and the one below me was the baby ...even when she was grown up.Ask anyone who knew us they'll tell you we were all treated the same but thats really not true.
I have multiple issues from growing up where I didn't feel valued ,I was just the one with her head stuck in a book

.You may think your sister is wrong but she clearly sees it differently ,if she was never happy there must have been a reason for it

I think you raise an interesting point CanadianGran, it can be a siblings perception of their brother or sister as being the 'golden child' when that isn't necessarily the case.

Hithere

Vs

I agree the dynamic of sg/gc has no winners - both sides get damaged

No winners

My brother just doesn't have a lot of empathy and cannot understand that our childhoods were different

I think my story is a bit different in that my older sister thinks I was golden, but I think it has always been her negative outlook that gives her that impression.

We are a family of four siblings, she is the oldest, and I am the middle of three sisters, and we have one brother. My older sister was always very serious and not happy - you can't find one photo of her ever smiling! We had a happy early childhood, but my father became very ill with MS when we were teens, so we took on a lot of responsibility at an early age. Mum had to work, and we had to take on household duties, as well as helping to look after Dad and younger siblings.

Granted, my older sister did have more responsibility than most teens (I think we all did) but she makes it sound like she was poor Cinderella. I naturally have a sunnier disposition and have more happy memories. I can't tell you how many times I heard 'mum always liked you better than me'. I always deny this, but I just think I was easier to be around. She definitely carries a chip on her shoulder, even into her 60's.

I was the scapegoat, my childhood was thoroughly miserable.

My nasty father died 30 years ago and my horrible mother 2 years ago.
For every day that I am alive and they are dead I’m truly grateful.

Vs

I agree the dynamic of sg/gc has no winners - both sides get damaged

Adding on an opinion here but I don't think the golden child in an abusive home really has a good time of it.

My brother is very like our mother, uses emotional blackmail, manipulation, put downs and esteem lowering methods to get his way. Cheats on his girlfriends and his now wife. Never satisfied with what he has, always wants the best of everything.

Like her, he does not have the ability to be truly happy

I've been golden child then scapegoat.

I was the product of my mother's first marriage. That ended in divorce and she met my stepdad when I was 2.

My stepdad had a son the same age as me and he was horribly scapegoated. I was dressed like a doll and she begrudged him anything. Eventually she was able to prevent him visiting at all and she prevented my stepdad seeing him elsewhere by saying he was using seeing his son as an excuse to carry on affairs. My stepbrother estranged them for a long period but now does have some small contact.

When my much younger brother arrived, a child of their marriage, suddenly I wasn't wanted at all and completely neglected. As time went on, she began to actively sabotage me and my education. The cruel comments started, I became an emotional punch bag for her.

She told lies to anyone who would listen about me to excuse how she treated me. Unfortunately my brother believed her as I left home when he was very young.

I estranged her several years ago when her behaviour drove me to a breakdown. My children were noticing and wanted nothing to do with her. The rest of the family estranged me

Lets face it, how our parents treat us - whether it is positive or negative - is not our fault!

This thread has reminded me a bit of how attitudes have changed in regards to female children. The pretty v clever sisters thing seems like it was very common.

'Trapping men' 'born out of wedlock' it was all so damaging to women wasn;t it?

During the war not during the world.

Franbern

My brother was born 12 months after my parents wedding. Back in the late 1920's little way of preventing this. My Mother became a doting Mum, and my Dad, still only in his early twenties really resented how much time she spent on the baby, His own father had died during the Spanish flu outbreak when my Dad was just entering his teens, so he had no idea how a good father would act. I have heard, from aunts that he was over strict with my brother, and this caused a life time of resentment between them.

I was born, planned, nearly twelve years later. My Dad (in his eyes) was the first man in the world to have fathered a daughter. He did dote on me, but was also very strict. My Mum was always my 'go-to' parent.

As the bad relationship between my Dad and brother worsened, I became the 'golden child' and so often was told, that I would not let them down like my brother had. I idolised my older brother, so it was pretty difficult for me. In order 'not to let my parents down', I soon learned only to do whatever I knew I could succeed at - which greatly affected my time at school.

Being the 'golden child' in the family can be just as bad for both sides.

My brother had done one of his many disappearing acts, when my Dad died. He had been around when Mum died, had for a few weeks taken our bereft father under wing, then followed his normal course, borrowed a sum of money and disappeared.

Several years later, my brother very suddenly contacted me. He was old, and lonely - (he had abandoned his wife and children many years earlier). For the next few years he made himself very much a part of my life again (ringing me most days), and that of my older AC. Indeed, when he died following an operation it was my eldest daughter who had held his hand on his way to theatre.

Of his own three children, he had never ever even seen the youngest - he carried chips on his shoulders the size of mountains about that very early treatment of him by our Dad.

I have contacts with his three children, two of them now g.parents - I did try very hard not to have favourites amongst my own six - and still work hard at keeping good relationships with them all.

My father did want to be a good Dad, just had some strange ideas as to what that meant with his first born.

I am similar to you Franbern. My brother was born at the beginning of WW2 and I was born five years later. My father was in the army during the world so he and my brother never had a strong bond and I was ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ - the song of the same name by Donald Peers was my Dad’s favourite song. Of course I thought it was wonderful until one day I was out playing and one of my brother’s friends called out that I was ‘Daddy’s little pet’ and things were never the same again. My brother and I did have a reasonable relationship when we were both in our teens but grew apart for reasons I won’t go into and my father and brother were never close. I haven’t seen my brother since we went to scatter my mother’s ashes 27 years ago. We exchange cards and the occasional letter but he has made it clear he doesn’t want things to go any further than that. When I had children I vowed they would be treated the same as far as possible and they would both know they were loved and valued by both their parents; I think we have succeeded although it is difficult because one son has three children and the other is childless. As Franbern says there are two sides to the story, I was a sensitive child and always carried a sense of guilt about the differences between how I was treated by my father compared to my brother.

I was very surprised when a few years ago my sister said “you were always daddy’s favourite”. I never noticed ! However I did know I wasn’t my mother’s favourite.