Have you ever been the other woman?

Someone very close to me has been totally broken after finding out her husband of 30 years has hooked up with an old flame. He hasn't left but the lies and distress this has caused to his wife is terrible to witness. She thought they were happy.

I sympathise Jane. My 'father' was horrible too.

I did know a couple who were 'social' friends of ours. He had been having an affair for years, it seems. Eventually, he told his wife he wanted a divorce and shortly after, he married his partner. He was a nice guy who deserved to be happy. I would not have wanted to be married to his first wife.

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors and where and how people find their escape from unhappiness. No one "owns" someone else; people can and do make choices. I wonder if deflecting the blame to the "other woman" is a way of not having to look at your part in the marriage and that of the man (or woman) you married.

No, but I have had to stand by and watch two perfectly lovely women [or so they appeared] being brought down by a much younger woman. One three times before she finally said enough
I am now in close contact with one of the "other women", and can see the same thing happen again, do I warn her? That her husband is a serial philanderer.
As others have said it is not always the woman at fault the men were ready and enjoyed the chase in the cases I know of it boosted their ego.

I realise I have said trapped twice in that post. He has even blamed his children for trapping him too though, including me. How I/we could have trapped him really quite escapes me. He is a horrible, horrible man but people who rough shod over their families feelings generally are.

It’s never happened to me personally, but I am always amazed that it generally seems the target for anger is the other woman. Like someone else said, she may not know of a wife, or been told lies.

The man always knows what he is doing....and so does the woman, if it’s the other way round.

My husband wouldn’t know what had hit him if I’d ever found him cheating. The woman....well I’d just feel sad for her. Anyone who can go with someone who’s married starts off losing.

No, I haven't but my 'Father' (I use the term loosely) has had many affairs over the years and always used the same story, his marriage was over, he was so unhappy, he was trapped, his wife/partner (he has had many) was awful/abusive/had trapped him, he was so in love with the new person. Etc etc etc. He always went for women who were quite vulnerable too. He is an extremely manipulative man and was always such a disappointment.

A dear friend of mine died recently and to my surprise she had been the OW for many years and know would never have told me as my own marriage broke up due to the OW. At the time I literally hated this woman but it does take two to tango as they say. mrsgreenfingers56 Mon 28-Mar-22 13:10:10

Your marriage did not break up "due to the OW" it broke up because your husband broke his vows and promises to you and who knows why he did that.

Why, oh why, do women always prefer to attack women!!!

No, but I used to know someone who openly admitted that she’d had been the OW before marrying her dh.

In later years she and her dh split up, and it was just as well we met only rarely, since I’d see her casting what I’d call ‘hungry’ eyes at my dh! She did later remarry though.

My friend set out deliberately to become the other woman, and eventually divorced and married him.

His children have never accepted her and as a result he sees very little of his children or grandchildren, which is so sad for them all.

You do wonder about karma though, as almost from day one when they lived together, they have both had very poor health ranging from heart, to strokes to thrombosis to deafness to cancer - on and on it goes. Prior to that they appeared very healthy.

My friend is the other woman, have been for over 30 years. He always told her he'd leave when his children grew up. Then when his grandchildren grew up.

She's still waiting.

I have never been the OW. A true story - my father had an affair for many years. When I was around 12 (brother 10 and sister 7) this lady came to stay for the weekend. She brought yellow roses for my mother. I can’t have yellow roses in the house now. Dad paid for his mistress’s divorce and helped her move into a flat. At the end of the day dad couldn’t bring himself to leave the family. He and mum found some kind of peace. Years later when dad died, mum discovered the affair had continued. She wasn’t happy. Then years after that, I was doing an OU Advanced Creative Writing course and wrote the whole story for one of my assignments.

Nope

I nearly was back in the early 1970s but didn't go there thankfully. He was lovely though

No, I haven't. A neighbour's daughter has just moved in with a married man who has a very small child, it is difficult for neighbour as her daughter is very happy, but so many people have been hurt; extended family and friends

No I have never been the OW and have seen the distress caused to children when marriages break up because of affairs. The man involved is just as much to blame.

For a very brief time with someone I worked with. I soon came to my senses as I was married with 2 children. Never think of him now.

No, but my friend was - knowingly. It was horrible as she was seduced by a man (her lecturer - she was a mature student) and all we, her friends,could do was stand by ready to catch her when it inevitably all came crashing down.

I honestly think that she could not find the strength to with stand him.

I had a brief relationship with a man I once worked with. He was fond of museums and art galleries so we had a few outings to those, plus a few meals and drinks. I know he had his ailing MIL living with them and just wanted to step away for a few hours. The relationship ended naturally when the workplace closed down and we were all made redundant. He said he would ring me but never did. Just one of those things. There was no sex involved. I never felt guilty. It was just a friendship.

Regret at leisure eh, Charleygirl ? Love your comment about the IQ

No and I never would, knowing the pain it caused me. I am delighted to say they married in haste-----! There was an age gap of around 21 years between them and that was probably her IQ.

Maybe men refer to the other man as the other man, or women if their husband runs off with a man having discovered that he was gay after all

When I was very young, I had a brief dalliance with a married man. I wasn't in love, it didn't last long and I don't think the wife ever knew. I liked his wife. I was young and selfish.

It is very different if the OW does not know that he has a wife, maybe he said he is divorced
The OW in my marriage - no she doesn't and didn't give a damn for the distress caused to the rest of the family. Yes, she knew we were married, had known for 20 years, had been my daughter's guide leader, and had had both children in Sunday school. I can't imagine how she thought it was at all acceptable. Shouldn't imagine Camilla thought about how Diana would feel.
I sort of get that in the days when marriages were arranged, as with Edward 7th, and it was acceptable to take a mistress as long as you kept her in the background and the wife knew that might happen from the start, and you let your wife do more or less what she wants [ apart from take a lover I guess] things were different, the princess/queen didn't need to worry about bringing up the children on her own [well a royal family member would have had servants to help] or being thrown into poverty when you were divorced because the husband won't pay for the children etc
Although C and D wasn't an arranged marriage per se,it was a marriage of convenience but D didn't realise it until too late. She should have said sod the teatowels, and bailed but she was too young to have the courage to do that, she was trapped

Well that's a good question Calendargirl! As I said it takes two to tango!