Where have all the dads gone?

I lived on benefits for a short period in my late teens, not quite the same circumstances as we’re talking about here, but still a ‘missing dad’ situation.
I can’t imagine many girls would choose that as a lifestyle choice.
Can you manage? yes, but only by having nothing, by cutting your expenses to the bone.
I got a certain grim satisfaction out of getting to the end of each week, but I was very unhappy, and would never have chosen to be in that situation.

Some men most definitely must do.
Going merrily off on their way to fresh horizons with their brand new shiny families.

GagaJo

I think the number of women who set out to be single parents is very small. And easy for those who have remained married for their entire lives to sit in judgement.

No one ever sees benefits as a 'lifestyle choice'. Possibly 20 or 30 years ago (I don't know and really can't comment on the past) but living on Universal Credit means living below the poverty line. Not what anyone would consider a 'lifestyle choice'.

So judgemental.

Ridiculously sweeping statement. How do you know that noone sees the benefit system as a lifetime choice. Some albeit a few obviously do.

Urmstongran

But this thread is about ‘missing dads’ ??

And you say you don't like the taxpayer being taken for a ride.
The Conservatives mates are taking more of a ride than the single mothers.

But this thread is about ‘missing dads’ ??

Talking about missing dads always becomes about "scroungers" though.
let's just target the right scroungers, the ones that GagaJo is talking about. Not the mothers of little children.

Missing dads on this thread. Feel free to start another on a wider topic. It’s not difficult.

Well said, GagaJo - imagine the difference which even a fraction of that money could have made if it had been spent on those most in need. By all means get angry - let's face it, if you're not angry then you're not paying attention - but let's direct that anger to the right places!

Sh*t always rolls downhill, as my colleague would say when "the team" (but never the manager or their cronies) were in trouble.

I pay a lot of tax. I don't begrudge it going on children. I f**king loath, hate and want to vomit at the thought of it going to Boris' mates for covid contracts, many of which didn't perform/provide what they were contracted to provide. Give my taxes to children anyday. Not to people who are already millionaires and are just fraudulently siphoning the money into offshore accounts.

Fair enough, be angry about the abuse of tax payers money. Start with the Tory theft of it.

Ahh, that's good to know.
I have put in more hours of paperwork and notes since I've been poorly than it would take to go to work!
I feel like I'm doing half their admin for them.

And that is why I’d like a system that deals with this problem MissA so you wouldn’t have to (and none of the single mums who are abandoned).

Its every bit as repugnant to the wives and children who are left, as a rule.

It's even more repugnant to feel as if we're all skipping off to the council and benefits office.

I have been in tears multiple times these last few weeks having to contact them.

It's humiliating.

I have a lot of compassion. I give 10% of my state pension to charities every month by direct debit.

What I don’t like, as a taxpayer, is being taken for a ride. It gets my goat how some dads just go AWOL. It’s morally repugnant to me.

However reading the comments has made me realise that nothing will change unless a different approach to dealing with this social mess is found.

It does make me wonder how someone gets to the point where they can have no compassion for those less fortunate than themselves. It's the whole Victorian attitude of the undeserving poor. But I guess that is what our leadership is pushing us to believe in.

I don’t have a ‘lack of understanding’ just a different viewpoint.
That’s allowed last time I checked.

Yes, sadly yet again a number of uncalled for remarks/so called descriptions from the usual source "sainted mums" "randy lads" "bleeding hearts" etc. I really wonder at this poster's lack of understanding in these situations or any other situation actually.

I can’t believe the phrase “bleeding hearts” was actually used on this thread in 2022.

That's a lovely thing to say.
Thank you.

I just can't help but be moved by the heroism of the single mums telling their stories on here.
To slog on forward, putting one foot in front of the other every single day because that's all you can do is magnificent.
I know it in my own close family, you are brave and wonderful women

Ironically, my ex, dead beat dad that he turned out to be, wanted me to have a 2nd baby. Thank goodness I didn't, because if I had had 2, there would have been no way I could have combined the work and studies that enabled me to keep a roof over our heads and study towards a professional job after our marriage broke down.

I’ve told my daughter, I think she subconsciously chooses weak and useless partners, because basically she’s a control freak, and wants to do things her way.
It was said in jest, but I can’t help feeling there’s a bit of truth in there

I think here custody is now awarded at 50/50.
I'm not up on all these modern ways..

Of course a man should pay if he willingly had unprotected sex and a child was conceived!

It's preposterous to think otherwise.

I can't stand that "you've done something so bad, but you've got to guess what it is" behaviour.
It's so, so frustrating.
Have a bloody good row!

We are seeing the same tendency of an increase in single mothers in Denmark too.

And here it is not hard to bring a paternity suit and receive child support, as every midwife can and will advise a single mother to do so, and put her in touch with a social worker.

AND since the 1970's social services pay out the child support to the parent with whom the child is actually living and recoups it from the other parent, so no-one is in the futile position of having the legal right to receive child support, but no means of getting an insolvent, or uncaring, parent of a child to pay up.

Talking to young mothers, whether those in committed relationships or single mothers, I have been startled over the past twenty years by the increasing number who bluntly state, "She/ he is MY child. I make the decisions, and if the child's father doesn't like it, he can lump it."

I am not claiming that all young mothers think like this, but a growing proportion seem to be adopting this outlook, even when the child's father is happy and willing to take his share of the raising of the child.

If this is becoming a dominating tendency, then I can begin to understand the "invisible" fathers. Parenting should be a joint task and a joint pleasure, but can only be so, if both parents see it as a joint venture.

Then there are, more understandably, the women who discover that they are pregnant, either because they took a chance, or because contraception let them down, and who decide against abortion.

Those who know full well that the man in the case has no desire for children, quite rightly and fairly, in my opinion, decide to go it alone.

Some of them may not have told the man that he is the father of their child, others have, but have waived their right to child support, as they feel that their decision to have the baby, conceived as "an accident" is not one they should force upon an unwilling father in a day and age where legal abortion is possible and only frowned upon by a small majority.