How to react when son says his dad would have made a fantastic grandad

I appreciate how horribly this man treated you years ago and understand your hatred of him but honestly the best advice I can give you, is to continue agreeing with your son about his Dad, while thinking what an arsehole he was in your own mind.
Least said, soonest mended…..

Keep on doing what you're doing Bungalowlady, nod your head and say nothing.

Your son probably has no memory of his father's abusive and controlling behaviour. I hope that the therapy you've had has enabled you to understand that remembering the man he was, is not disrespecting his memory.

Your memories of him are based on reality, your son's on the image of a decent husband and father that his father constructed for his own benefit .

A difficult 1 indeed. You have the deepest scar imaginable, I am sorry.

Personally, I wouldnt unleash all the pent up anger onto your son, he obviously hasn't witnessed nor been subjected to the hurtful things that you have or could it be that your son was saying "wouldnt he have made a wonderful grandad?" To see what reaction you gave? You say he used your son as a weapon, you would have known all too well what he was doing, but to a child, they are obviously oblivious.

I can understand 100% your hurt and upset because I have been right there ( 1st husband ) but I would relent from letting all your anger and hurt out, your son is the innocent 1, his memories of his dad are worlds away from your own and if you let a little bit out with all intention of saying your dad was not the man to me who he was to you I am thinking, once you let a little bit out will it stop there once the box has been opened... I am so sorry this is happening.

How old is your son now? I’m of the mind that honesty is always best. I’m assuming he is a grown up, and if protecting him from the truth is hurting you....then don’t protect him. Chances are someone will tell him at some point anyway.

Might be time for a chat. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

Your son didn't get to know his father as an adult so he doesnt have that experience to draw on.

Most children, even those like me who have estranged a parent mourn and miss the parent they should have had rather than the reality of what they actually had. This ideal and need for a parents love keeps us in a tpxic relationship far longer than we should stay.

As hard as it is for you, if you tell him the whole truth it will then be his burden to carry as well.

Maybe you could just say that it hurts you to hear that because he was not a good man to you but you underdtand your sons perceptions ard different and you dont want to take anything from him either

I do not see any benefit to telling your son how bad his father was. He may have been an awful husband but must have been a good father for your son to have such fond memories.

My first husband was abusive. My son was 7 when he left and was old enough to understand what he had seen and heard. After my husband left he turned the abuse to my son who then refused to see him again and never did. Your son is a grown man and old enough now to know the truth about his father but tell it gently. There is no reason now for you to pretend that your husband was not the man your son thinks he is. At 3 he wasn't old enough to understand. Keeping up a pretence won't help either of you.

Thank you for all your responses.
I have no intention of telling my son anything whatsoever.
Just to answer some things mentioned.
My son is now 35
His dad didn’t see him from when he was 15 to almost 18, then only for short meetings. He put his new family first.

Elizabeth27
Yes I accept his memories were so different to mine and he needs to keep them.

Gosh I don’t think there is anything you can do but just wanted to acknowledge how painful that must be.

Does your son have any idea about what kind of man his father was? I assume not otherwise that would make him incredibly insensitive.

Credit to you for navigating this.

FWIW I think you're doing the right thing Bundalowlady.

Bungalowlady

Thank you for all your responses.
I have no intention of telling my son anything whatsoever.
Just to answer some things mentioned.
My son is now 35
His dad didn’t see him from when he was 15 to almost 18, then only for short meetings. He put his new family first.

Elizabeth27
Yes I accept his memories were so different to mine and he needs to keep them.

I’m not sure how to help you then Bungalowlady. I think eventually, the truth will out. It’s just how detrimental the path to that...is to your health.

Take care

Just noticed my typing error Bungalowlady not Bundalowlady.