How to let go of my adult children

Since my FIL died five years ago, my MIL has rung us practically every day.

We are old (early 60's), she is 86. I usually let my husband answer the phone as she can be on for half an hour. She doesn't always want something, she just wants to chat. She can ring as early at 8am, even on a weekend. We both work full time.

Some days she will come up with some trivial but urgent reason why my DH needs to go around e.g. light bulb gone.

I confess that if I am in on my own and I see that she is calling, I don't answer the phone.

She is lovely but it just gets a bit too much sometimes.

I have adult children but we usually communicate on WhatsApp and only every couple of weeks, unless there is something specific happening.

I would hate to think that my children thought I was needy/a nuisance/interfering.

My only child is almost 40 . Married with two of his own children..amazing wife.
He and I have a WhatsApp conversation. I very very rarely message him on the weekend. That his family time. Monday through Friday " hope the bike is going well " " loads of storms today " etc.
He will always reply albeit could be a few hours later. I am grateful that he chat with me like that.
I trust his decisions (admittedly grumble sometimes to OH lol but that is just occasionally)
Also even when I don't agree... He is a grown man with a wife and they are their decisions .

I find it helpful to read Kahlil Gibrans' poem, 'On Children'

'Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

Kate 1949, good answer, a few years ago when I was really worried about my daughter, I asked advice and was told children are only borrowed for a short while you can be in control, from then on mind your own business.

And to add...they now give ME good advice!

It’s hard as we still feel
The same, they however have other people to love and join their lives, wives children friends, partners… To us they are still our babies but that needed us, a house full of their friends and laughter ect we do need to find our own life as we had ours and now it’s time to be us again. I would like to see mine more but I wouldn’t like to be a mum that tbey are always popping in as I like my own time. Get a dog ? you won’t have time to miss them and will make lots new doggy friends and have company always x

I cannot imagine interfering in my son's life he would blow a fuse. Why would you anyway? They have their own life, their own children, their own worries and joys. They are not yours but theirs. Get a life of your own and you will be too busy to worry about their problems. If they ask for help however, I am there with a response within minutes regardless what I am doing.

Going back to 2005 when OH and I took retirement. 2 younger adult sons in mid-20s doing post-post-grad gap year, one for the 2nd time. Older child age 27 had done all that and back living at home. We needed change, downsizing (before they all came back!) and a better climate. House sold quickly and we left for the next 15 years in S France. Children flourished in careers, married, bought homes and even found time to visit us. They stood on their own feet, and it did them good. No regrets!

I think I am the other way - my two sons (32 & 34) seem to want my input. They are constantly messaging me - they dump all of their stuff on me and expect me to sort everything out. My youngest son asked me the other why we dont talk as much - simply because we went 1 day without texting!
They are both very independant - but also quite needy.

I have let go of my daughters life needing to be a specific way. I very rarely interfere in her decisions and generally don’t offer unsolicited advice. If she asks me, of course, I say what I think. I never criticise. Occasionally I do say something if it’s a big thing and although she doesn’t always say much at the time I know she takes it on for consideration. I think always interfering sends the message that ‘I don’t trust you to make your own choices’, and they then shut down. Like we have, our children have to learn from their own experiences and mistakes. We would love our kids to not suffer and our uninvited input can come from there.

Hooray for you - wonderful phrase. I'll adopt it from now on in one form or another !

You are not alone - we all want to help our children. but you have done fine job of bringing them up so far - now they will need and want to stand on their own two feet without you tiptoeing along behind them very day- just think back to how claustrophobic you would have found that in your younger days !!
You are only being selfish you know - it sounds as if YOU need them every day rather than vice versa. (If it is vice versa they both need counselling help - fast, now !) Try to fill your own life now - there are heaps of things we can all do so do them while we can ! Try telling you kids gently that you will be really busy on .... day so don't call me- I'll be out !! Then cary on with weaning them and weaning yourself from this need to be hearing from them each and every day. You have done that phase of life (bringing up baby) - now let's move on to the next phase an embrace that just as we embraced our earlier days. It will be better for all of you - promise !!
I once heard that worrying that something may happen has never stopped it happening so why worry - think about it !!

When my children were very young, I did a ten week course in a group, led by a psychotherapist, on parenting skills.
It was fascinating and informative, and several key aspects of what we learned have influenced how I lead my life and the choices I make ever since.
One of the sessions was about our responsibilities as parents, and that when a baby is born, he or she is 100% dependent on us.
Our task is to enable the child to become totally independent by the age of 18, or 21, so that they are able to embrace life as independent adults.
They owe us nothing.
I feel that many family problems arise when this is not the case.
Another vital aspect of the course was about realising what was actually responsibility in any situation, and what wasn't. It isn't always easy to discern, but sometimes just being aware of this can provide understanding and insight when boundaries get blurred.

We hear from the two daughters in this country in some form about once a week. I think daily would be too much for me. Let me tell you a story and give you a useful phrase. When the date of Pope John Paul 11's funeral clashed with Charles and Camilla's proposed wedding, I, with my organising hat on, started to wonder how it could all be arranged and my husband said, "Leave it to the Vatican." That phrase is now used whenever my over-active mind starts wondering how other people's issues should be resolved. Just think about your daughter's house buying, "I'll leave it to the Vatican" and relax.

Our eldest two - early 30s & late 20s we have long stopped giving them advice unless they ask.

Our younger two - early 20s still sometimes ask for advice! Usually about moral problems and clothes (me) or DIY (DH).

That said, the youngest recently got a new job & didn’t tell us anything about it until they got it. It made me realise how much they really have all flown the nest.

However, I’ve always thought that if my DCs are gone and they lead happy, fulfilling lives with ‘good’ morals we have done our job properly.

Many years ago I was given the advice that the two greatest gifts I could give my children were 'roots and wings'. I understood that to mean a sense of love and belonging and the skills and confidence to find and follow their own path in life. I still think it is the best parenting advice I've ever been given.

well done for recognising this is a problem before it ruins your relationships. Good luck with counselling.

Just also to add! You know its harming you. It's the process you need to stop this. You need tools and techniques to deal.

A + B = C

A = The problem
B = How to deal with it (which most people don't know how to) healthily hence stay stuck in the problem
C = the answer/solution

This2willpass

Thanks for all your posts. I recognise that this isn’t what I should be doing. I don’t know where this has all come from. I think I do need some counselling before I ruin everything. It’s hard though.

Its very difficult to get counselling today unless you are in a position to pay. It sounds as if you are what is known as codependant which is very common today.

There is a 12 step program called CoDa which is free and there are online meetings everyday.

You can just go and listen. It's for like-minded people. I am a long term member of another, well known 12-step program hence I know about them.

Most people haven't heard of them. The link is below to the U.K website which also has the meetings list on. I have done CoDa myself in the past and it was really useful.

codauk.org/

Let them go and come back to you when they feel that this is what they want to do or you risk becoming a bully by wanting them to do what you think is right.

Despite my having no expectations of her, in terms of contact, when my daughter left to go to university she only contacted me when she needed me. Mental health issues were fairly constant and I supported her when asked as I got the impression she didn’t want me hovering…. Few years later after a late autism diagnosis, she blames me for everything that’s wrong in her life and has cut off all contact. An emotional evisceration for me as a lone parent with an only child.
I now don’t have a choice.

there is a good poem from the book 'the prophet' about letting children go, like the arrow from a bow.Why does a parent not let go? If we see our children going down a destructive route, then as a matter of care we want to intervene.If it is everyday life, then get out of their and our own way.It is a delicate area, we have all seen the effects of interfering families.I once stepped in to save my son's marriage as he was off the rails at the time, do i regret it, sometimes i do.....
would i do it again? no.

There is not much I can tell my GSs that they don't know - until it comes to giving a teenage GS a good talking-to! Luckily, that DGS listens to Granny when, of course, his parents. 'know nothing'. My 'boys' (49 and 51) have loads of experience in life and finance that have passed me by and I'm very happy to avail myself of their expertise. Occasionally they bow to mine.

I'm finding it hard not to be needed anymore, my children are 30 and 34, I see my daughter twice a week, my son rarely, he's always busy, I would love to have an input in their lives but it is not required by either, but I'm here if they need me x

This2willpass

Thanks for all tesponses. Find it so hard when I don’t hear from them on a daily basis. They r 32 and 35.

You sound like my late Mum. I moaned about it at the time. It nearly drove me potty. I would give anything to hear her now.