How to let go of my adult children

At that age you shouldn't be offering advise unless they ask for it! Bite your tongue ?.

I often remind myself that my sons are now middle aged men.
They don't take kindly to me 'advising' them, so I just shut up these days. It's more a case of them advising me now that I'm getting a big feeble...
Seriously, it really is important to learn to take a step back, if we want to keep a good relationship with them.

You know that you must overcome this obsession with so much involvement in your children's lives. Posters have warned of possible estrangement if you don't stop expecting daily communications and bombarding your daughter with house details and overthinking all the details of where she might live. I know it is difficult because we love and naturally worry about our children no matter how capable they are, but worrying and needing to be involved to this extent is very unhealthy for you and for your children.

You have already started a thread asking us to tell you that the arrival of your first grandchild will put an end to your anxiety and been told that it won't. You have also started a thread about therapy. I thought you said on the first one that you are already having talking therapy? Apologies if I have mixed you up with someone else. If you are seeking therapy on the NHS I think you will find there's a long wait but your need for help is urgent. You definitely need to see your GP but in the first instance he may offer you medication because that is immediately available. If you are offered it, take it.

You sound as though you are incredibly lonely and have nothing and no-one in your life other than your children. Is that the case? If it is, no amount of therapy or medication is, by itself, going to take away your obsessive interest in your children. You need to do your bit by getting some interests and meeting other people to talk to so that you are not constantly thinking and worrying about your children. You need to fill your mind with something else. Are you disabled and unable to get out of the house, or can you get out and join a club or two which interest you and maybe do a spot of volunteering, which you would find very worthwhile?

From the time when my first child was born, or possibly even from before that, I knew that my job as a parent was to enable my offspring to live as independent adults when the time came. I regarded it as my job to let go of them inch by inch whenever an opportunity arose for them to do something even a little bit independently from the beginning of their lives.

When they got to leaving home age (late teens/early twenties), like oldbat1, I felt a little surge of relief that I seemed to have done a reasonable job.

I have found that because we have always been 'hands off' parents (of adult children) that they often include us in major aspects of their lives including house and car buying and DD who is single and lives alone, often rings just to talk things over to clear her own mind. They know we will give objective advice and then stand back and leave them to make their own decisions.

Now I think you were saying you find it hard to let go? Oh I completely understand. My children get regular texts from me. My daughter answers as quickly as she is able and I so appreciate that. Also my DIL would never leave me hanging for a response. I have now known her 16 years. My SIL I generally do not message but he would respond if I did. So the 2 youngest sons - 34 and 31. Well they are not so reliable. The thing is, I live alone and have a mental health issue. I am usually trying to break my sense of isolation when I reach out. I am an educated woman and I know I need to build my life up and I certainly try. I find though that at the age of 64 most of those I might reach out to are in a married, apparently settled situation! Generally they do not have much experience of my life with its issues. So yes, I think you need to try a little more to develop understanding of the issues your children may be experiencing as adults. Possibly it would help if you agreed with each one of them.who would initiate the next contact and after how many days.

Personally I felt a huge responsibility lifted from my shoulders when my children flew the nest in their early 20s. I don’t interfere.

Families and relationships are all so varied aren’t they?

When my son and his wife were house hunting they often asked my husband for advice. My daughter took it a step further and insisted I accompany her when she was house-hunting so that I could be the ‘voice of experience and reason’ - although she eventually bought a house I hadn’t visited with her and if I had I would have explained why I thought it was too big! ?

The thing is you know there’s a problem and that you are too involved in your adult children’s lives, so well done you for acknowledging that and preparing to do something about it. ??

I am sure you will recover and get back on an even keel. Unlike so many others, you have recognised that you have a problem before it causes family rifts.

Thank you all for your replies. I am most grateful. Going to start from now, so no more neediness from me and interfering. I am going to speak to my gp re counselling. It’s going to be hard but I need to do this.

Best way l find is to keep busy yourself. I mean to call or message my AC but run in from meeting friends for coffee , grab something to eat and immediately head out to golf or to water my flowers. Suddenly its too late to call and on it goes. Or l get stuck in a book and the time runs away with me. They laugh at me as its hard for them to catch me at times but l would rather that than having them getting annoyed with me. So try and keep busy. Let them see you have your own life. That will be a good role model for their later years too.
I usually talk to them once a week but not always. I always contacted my own Mom every weekend so that feels normal to me.

This2mustpass I realise now, with you talking about your obsession about where your daughter may live, that your problems extend way beyond the normal, even for an interfering parent, which I do not think you are essentially

I really think that you need to seek medical advice and counselling, as your obsession is going well beyond what is normal.

Leave ‘ Do not do it ‘ post it notes all around the house & especially by the telephone .good luck it’s a hard habit to break ,but it can be done (cover your hands with something sticky ?)

If you know there is a problem no doubt you will back off. It would. be a pity to spoil the relationship you have with your children by being too needy. Good luck.

This2willpass

I keep sending my daughter houses that I think will be suitable for her and her partner. I just can’t stop it.

Yes, you can. You’ve chosen to post here, on GN, and while you’re doing that, you’re not currently interfering in your DD’s life. You’re choosing to not stop. Step away from your laptop/phone and go for a walk or watch tv or take a bath.

And ask for more help. At least you’ve recognised there’s a problem. Now set to and solve it.

My DC are 31 28 and 23....I love that I don't have to make any decisions for any of them any more or have any responsibility for them...I find it liberating.....I just go to work...and have just me and DP ( and the dog) to think about... just enjoy that OP ....we have a family whatsapp so we all message everyday ..
Thats just how we are....but its just general chit chat

This2willpass

When she finds her house I worry where the bins will go, what sort of neighbours she will have, will she make friends etc etc.

Try and put yourself in her place. How would you have felt if your mother had tried to micromanage your life in that way? She is a grown woman and she can figure out these things for herself.

When she finds her house I worry where the bins will go, what sort of neighbours she will have, will she make friends etc etc.

I keep sending my daughter houses that I think will be suitable for her and her partner. I just can’t stop it.

Urmstongran

‘Suggestions’ are just that. They will take them or not. My late mum gave me wise advice many years ago. “All you can be now is a safety net. They will drop in it if needed”.

Absolutely this! One of the hardest parts about being a parent is taking that step back and letting them fly - letting them make their own way, make their own mistakes etc, but remaining there for them as and when needed.

I can hear the sadness in your words.

Dont give up on yourself, often we have to fight for mental health help so fight for it, it will make life so much better for all of you

OP

This is hard for you, for your kids, for your partner/ SO/ Dh, etc..

You (plural) see the effects of this

AC will ask for advice if necessary - but most times it is not necessary! My AC manage their lives well and I wouldn't dream of offering ' advice' if I was asked for my thoughts on a situation I would do that - but it
does' nt happen!

Really difficult to expect Adult Children to call you every day. They probably have busy lives and need to make time for other people too. This could include their Partners Parents, other family members and friends. Give them some slack to live their own lives would be the best advice I can give.

Thanks for all your posts. I recognise that this isn’t what I should be doing. I don’t know where this has all come from. I think I do need some counselling before I ruin everything. It’s hard though.