Children identifying as non binary can lead to tricky situations

Shelflife as far as I'm aware we haven't been told what this teenager wants to wear, If for example the bridal colours are blue and this teenager wants to wear black, should the bride just acquiesce? If the teenager is uncomfortable with the requested 'uniform' then a polite, thanks but no thanks, is all that's required. Demanding that the bride change her parameters for one person is rather egocentric.

Thankyou for your support Dogsmother. I am very alarmed and disappointed at some comments on this thread. Our world is beautiful but there is so much evil, war , famine , child abuse , murder stabbings - the list goes on. Our emotional energy should head in that direction . This child has done no wrong , she is simply trying to understand herself and be accepted for that. Some posters appear to be taking this lightly / brushing it under the carpet, pretending these issues are not real - I say " get real" , show some compassion . For goodness sake let this 13 year old wear what is comfortable! ' She can still be part of the wedding party in a trouser suit. We are in 2022 not the 1940s !!!!

It most certainly isn't. It's a term coined by some and used to apply to others without their consent. A large number of women find 'cis' an offensive term and it would be polite not to use it, the same way TIM or TIF are generally not used because they offend transgender people. But if all are equal..... then trans identified male it is for all previously referred to as transwomen.

Doodledog, it's a dictionary term. Get over it.

No. Someone used an insulting terms and I called them on it. Poor comprehension skills.

Anyway, this is boring for others, so I’ll leave it there. I hope the bride and the child sort out something that is mutually agreeable. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find a way through this that keeps everyone happy. It’s easy for adults to say that it’s just a dress and it’s just a couple of hours; but I remember being 13 and self-conscious. My mum always over-ruled me, and I often had to wear things that did not represent my view of myself and I was miserable. I understand the bride wanting everything to be ‘right’; but I hope she steps back a bit and remembers being 13.

Shelflife!
Well said…..I was in despair at the thread, and said to my husband earlier re this how much I hated people sometimes, a bit strong, but as I said I can’t understand the unpleasantness, and potential damage to mental health with such blinkered attitudes.

Doodledog

*There is no need to be rude, just because you don't like what I've said. Calling it 'nonsense' was unnecessary. Insulting someone is definitely 'getting involved'. Just ignore what you don't like. That is what I do with a lot of what I read in your posts.*

The term 'cis' is unnecessary and insulting to many on here, as you know very well. By all means feel free to ignore what you want to, and I will feel free not to be told what I may post?

So someone says something you don't like and you respond with an insult? Poor conflict resolution skills.

There is no need to be rude, just because you don't like what I've said. Calling it 'nonsense' was unnecessary. Insulting someone is definitely 'getting involved'. Just ignore what you don't like. That is what I do with a lot of what I read in your posts.

The term 'cis' is unnecessary and insulting to many on here, as you know very well. By all means feel free to ignore what you want to, and I will feel free not to be told what I may post?

Ilovecheese

I included the groom in my comments. I don't see why they shouldn't have what they want on their wedding day.

Totally agree.

Lots of people here are not very sympathetic to the young person's plight. She was excited to be Involved in the family celebrations (which is more than many 13 year olds in my opinion). I hope her family is kinder than some on here and discuss mutually satisfactory options rather than just laying down an ultimation as many here bluntly suggest.

I do hope it works out well and you all have a lovely day.

I included the groom in my comments. I don't see why they shouldn't have what they want on their wedding day.

Also, this attitude that 'it is the bride's day' is archaic. It is the legal joining of two people in marriage. And the bringing together of two families. No wonder we have bridezillas, with this attitude that what a bride wants, a bride gets.

I really can't remain silent as promised.Wild Swan, allowing this child to wear what is comfortable is not pandering to her . Please understand this is not a spoilt teenager demanding her own way - it is far more serious than that!!! and if you had a child, niece , nephew or GC in that situation I hope you would have more compassion. You are not thinking very deeply about this - please consider what is happening here . If you truely are incapable of accepting this situation then I sincerely hope for your family' s sake that you never ever find a member of your family in that situation! What on earth does it matter what this child wears . ' She' is trying hard to tell the world who she is and that should be respected. With this attitude is it any wonder the mental health of our young people is at an all time low. People need to wake up and accept reality. If this young persons thoughts are a reality they need to have the understanding of friends and family and not be forced into wearing an outfit that is not appropriate for them - how would you like to feel that way? ' She's is not simply a teenager refusing to confirm ' she's is a teenager desperately trying to understand what us happening to her and secure approval from those she loves. If her family all have your attitude - what then for ' her ' ???? Please think again.

Doodledog

I'm not getting involved with 'cis feminine identifying' nonsense, but the role of a bridesmaid is (according to OED) 'a girl or woman, usually one of several, who accompanies a bride on her wedding day'.

No, she doesn't have to wear a dress, but the role is a female one. If the bride wants a male attendant, fine - but he won't be a bridesmaid. If this child doesn't identify as female, and doesn't want a dress, why not just re-frame the role and save any fuss?

The reason the role was created was because people believed that the bride needed protection from evil spirits and malign influences. The others women dressed like her were intended to confuse these ill wishers and protect the bride. I doubt if anyone thinks this now, so really the role should, and is, being opened up to other people.
Just as many brides are now walked down the aisle by their mother.

Please be gentle with the young girl. Wanting to be part of things and to be included is something that many of us want to be. For her to be left out because she didn’t feel comfortable wearing a dress old be sad. Be kind not critical. Some posts make it sound as though she’s being particularly demanding or obstructive. That may be the case but also maybe how she feels about herself (sorry I don’t understand non binary terms)

Doodledog

I'm not getting involved with 'cis feminine identifying' nonsense, but the role of a bridesmaid is (according to OED) 'a girl or woman, usually one of several, who accompanies a bride on her wedding day'.

No, she doesn't have to wear a dress, but the role is a female one. If the bride wants a male attendant, fine - but he won't be a bridesmaid. If this child doesn't identify as female, and doesn't want a dress, why not just re-frame the role and save any fuss?

There is no need to be rude, just because you don't like what I've said. Calling it 'nonsense' was unnecessary. Insulting someone is definitely 'getting involved'.

Just ignore what you don't like. That is what I do with a lot of what I read in your posts.

I suspect the OP stopped reading long before the thread dissolved into the identity politics stuff.

There have been several helpful suggestions and I’m sure they will come to an acceptable solution.

FarNorth

Or perhaps she doesn't identity as non-binary at all but adults have inferred this from her dislike of dresses because they have read about it on social media.

The OP said she seemed to be non binary. I didn't infer this.

Or perhaps she's felt this way for a long time and now that it's something which is talked about more, she feels a bit more comfortable expressing those feelings? None of us know - but surely it wouldn't hurt to take her feelings into consideration?

Or maybe it's a lot more likely that she's picking up on all the hype that's all over the internet just now.

I don't doubt that a few young people are genuinely confused about their gender but I believe the numbers are highly inflated.

As I said, it won't hurt her to conform to expectations for a few hours.

Antonia

*All is fine EXCEPT that one niece who is 13 years old seems to be identifying as non binary and is, according to her mother, too uncomfortable and anxious to wear a bridesmaids dress*

I think the key is that she seems to be identifying as non binary. I wonder if she would be contemplating this if she hadn't read about it on all the current social media content.

I wouldn't pander to this at all. Either she wears the bridesmaids dress or she isn't a bridesmaid and wears what she likes to the ceremony. It's a few hours out of her life, it won't kill her.

I'm sure someone will be along to tell me what mental trauma she'll experience, but I very much doubt that will be the case.

Or perhaps she's felt this way for a long time and now that it's something which is talked about more, she feels a bit more comfortable expressing those feelings? None of us know - but surely it wouldn't hurt to take her feelings into consideration?

Or perhaps she doesn't identity as non-binary at all but adults have inferred this from her dislike of dresses because they have read about it on social media.

All is fine EXCEPT that one niece who is 13 years old seems to be identifying as non binary and is, according to her mother, too uncomfortable and anxious to wear a bridesmaids dress

I think the key is that she seems to be identifying as non binary. I wonder if she would be contemplating this if she hadn't read about it on all the current social media content.

I wouldn't pander to this at all. Either she wears the bridesmaids dress or she isn't a bridesmaid and wears what she likes to the ceremony. It's a few hours out of her life, it won't kill her.

I'm sure someone will be along to tell me what mental trauma she'll experience, but I very much doubt that will be the case.

I don't think that the niece should just be given in to, but neither do I think they should be forced to wear a dress or the same as the pageboys or be excluded, any of which will cause much unhappiness.

A sensible conversation and compromise are needed. Would they be willing to wear a dress for the ceremony and photos and then change into something they feel happy in?

Or, maybe, give them a special role - like being responsible for the rings which requires a special, toning outfit.

Perhaps as we get older we realise that actually no day however important is just about us, I cant really remember thinking that as a bride it was all about me but maybe I did, it isnt just the child who needs to realise that fact. There are some things that are non negotiable if my best friend had said I think you should get married in Iceland I would have said bog off, if she had said bloody hell a bridesmaid dress, or if I had had the gumption to think of it myself well I wouldnt have cared what she wore. She wore a dress and never said a word because she cared for me, as I cared for her equally maybe I could have thought about the fact that during that day she wouldnt have been as comfortable as she could been.

The bride needs to say - all the bridesmaids are wearing xx dress. Do you want to be one and if so you will need to wear xx dress as well. I don't think she should wear the same as the nephews, that is just pandering to her.

If not - then she can just go along with her parents. She needs to understand that the day is not about her at all.

It does sound as if there is going to be an awful lot of bridesmaids/page boys !!