Children identifying as non binary can lead to tricky situations

Casdon, both my daughters have been asking me my opinion, so they have actually been involving me already. The two of them will ultimately work it out but I am just hoping to get some ideas in the hopes that everyone's feelings might be able to be respected and that there are no hard feelings between sisters over this. Thank you everyone for your input - lots of good ideas to consider.

Cant she just wear similar but not a dress. I am a bit mortified that I didnt think to offer my closest friend an option for my wedding when she was bridesmaid. I have never seen her in a dress/skirt at any other time and I have known her for 30 years.

The wedding is all about the show.

didigram

You are right, Maddyone, she never wears dresses and her mother (my daughter) has never encouraged her to wear one. The problem is that she really wants to be part of the wedding party and is really excited about it, she just doesn't want to wear a dress. The bride really wants her there too but she also wants her to match with the rest of the girls.

Have something in the same colour that they are comfortable in. Surely design/style is less important than people?

Actually Daphne Du Maurier when she was a girl considered herself to be what we would probably today call non-binary. Daphne had her own male alter ego she called Eric Avon. Daphne was born in 1907.

How times change. At 13y and at school I wouldn’t even know what non-binary was.

I suppose ‘asleep’ is the opposite of ‘woke’?

I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s the bride’s mother’s place to get involved with this. I know the girl is your granddaughter, but it’s not your day, it’s your daughter’s wedding. She should be sorting out with her niece and her sister so that they are all happy with whatever compromise they reach, all you have to do is go along with whatever they decide.

Soroptimum

OP - You mention nephews, can’t she dress the same as them?

Just what I was thinking.

Don't make a big deal out of it. And I'd certainly not force her to wear a dress.

MissAdventure

I think I would give her the option of a different role, or to wear a matching, less "girly" suit.
After that, though, no more options.

That's the route I would go down too. I don't think this is simply a case of someone stamping their feet and saying they don't want to wear a particular outfit - it's much deeper than that.

OP - You mention nephews, can’t she dress the same as them?

Our eldest GD is non binary. School allows her to wear trousers as part of her uniform. She never ever wears a dress, but looks good in a dinner jacket for special occasions.

Think of it as a uniform she should comply if she wants to be a bridesmaid, maybe a brides page would be an alternative but that’s a uniform too.
Otherwise attend as a regular guest, individualism has its drawbacks, she needs to understand that.

If you allow her to choose what to wear it opens a can of worms. Next thing you know another of the girls will decide the dress doesn't suit her so she will have to be allowed to choose as there is a precedent.
The simple choice of conform or opt out is entirely fair. It is not her wedding.

I think I would give her the option of a different role, or to wear a matching, less "girly" suit.
After that, though, no more options.

If she does not want to wear the dress, then she has the choice not to be a bridesmaid.
Sorry but I would not pander to her.

You are right, Maddyone, she never wears dresses and her mother (my daughter) has never encouraged her to wear one. The problem is that she really wants to be part of the wedding party and is really excited about it, she just doesn't want to wear a dress. The bride really wants her there too but she also wants her to match with the rest of the girls.

Didigram You are right. The girl has been invited to be part of the bridal party. If she chooses to do so she will wear the same dress as everyone else. Nobody is forcing her to comply.
If she doesn't want to then she simply turns down the invitation with no bad feelings on either side.

Obviously not up to you but I think if she’s uncomfortable wearing the dress chosen then ask her to do another job instead of being a bridesmaid …..MAID being the clue there must be some “important role” you could give a 13 year old
What does she want or expect to be allowed to wear
Does she dress as a boy if so could she have a shirt in that material colour with black trousers
I remember only once being a bridesmaid as a young person and absolutely hated the dress and hated any pictures of me
(not because of gender problems) just a ‘not me’ dress

I agree with welbeck. She’s put it better than I did.

What sort of clothes does she normally wear? Does she never wear a dress? Is that the problem? Wedding attire is what it is and people normally comply. If she doesn’t want to wear a dress perhaps she could have a different job at the wedding. But it is a ‘uniform’ and if she doesn’t want to comply, then she can’t really be in the wedding party I suppose.

CrazyH, certainly don't broach the subject, as you say it's nobody's business but his own.
he may be a loner. he may have friends, activities you all know nothing about.
if he wants to discuss his social life, he will.
OP, can't the teen in question just attend the wedding without being part of the dressing-up group. i can quite understand someone not wanting to wear a dress, esp a frilly/overblown one.
of course the person in question should not be pressured into doing so.
they can attend and dress smartly as they wish, not as part of the bride's entourage, or whatever it's called.
and whoever described a 13 year old as a little girl is way off. nor do i agree with blind compliance .
one can choose to step away from an activity or role.

I'm sure she could wear something matching, but different.

Well, I think it’s like a uniform, isn’t it ? You’ll have to explain to the little girl, that’s it’s just that, a uniform, like a school uniform. It’s so difficult, isn’t it ? My sweet, eldest 20 year old grandson has never had a girlfriend, and the family whispers are that he is “gay”. It matters nothing to us, we still love him. Do we broach the subject or just leave it ? None of our business, I know .

This isn’t for you to be involved in or concerned about. The bride and the child need to have a conversation and reach a compromise as to what they are both comfortable with.