I am so angry with my son

I was in your granddaughters situation with my dad and his wife. My grandma (dad’s mum) didn’t get directly involved, but she made it bearable for me - she provided a lot of love and let me know I was worthy. She also subtly let me know she was not happy with how me and my siblings were being treated which validated my feelings. Me and our grandma were so close. Now she is gone and I will always be grateful for her support and for ‘flying our flag’ as children. Her and my mum actually found a renewed sort of relationship and respect for each other too - and I am certain that her looking out for us whilst we spent time with my father and his family is why. I would say be there for your grandchildren and don’t give his wife any excuse to reduce seeing you or them. Good luck.

Thank you M0nica, I can see that it was in the wrong place now... I will get to know my way round .There never seems to be enough time in the day.That time on a Sunday I always want to settle the score when I know he will be playing happy families. I need to draw a line and move on.

Pythagorus, how did your son learn he needs some woman to justify his existence?

Has he ever lived independently? This is very difficult problem for you. If your son had insight into his spouse-dependence he may be able to take more control of his life.

Who is refusing to allow you to have your grandchildren to stay/take on holiday? As 15/16 year olds they have a say in their lives, and as your son shares custody he can facilitate this during his access time.
I would be careful about accepting everything from the mouths of teenagers as gospel, and certainly only listen; avoid negative comment.

Petitgran I am afraid you have put your first post in the wrong place. Cut your text, go up page to the purple band across the page and click on 'Forums'. Choose a subject, possibly 'Chat' and click on 'Start a new discussion' and post your text there and give it a title.

I think you will need to give more information about what happened and what you plan to do for any serious comment on it even then.

Hi, this is my first post, I am considering a gentle form of revenge on someone who has been in my life for over 30 years.He has used me terribly and I want this to make me feel it's final.
..or will I just keep on reliving the whole time in my head forever.

You can't go telling an adult child what they are doing wrong, he's an adult and as to make his own mistakes. If he is in a controlling relationship it's for him to sort out not you.
Don't get involved you could make matters worse.

The grandchildren are a different thing. I would try and have them over to yours as much as possible and try to provide support and happiness in their life to fill the gap if possible.

yes, at that age surely it is up to them what they do, where they go, who they see of their relatives, unless there is a court order to the contrary.
or are they so bowed down by their mother that they meekly do as she says.
unusual at that age.
either way, just keep lines of communication open.

I think adult children are best left to sink or swim. Parents should keep out of it. Concentrate on your grandchildren, but perhaps avoid talking about their father's new relationship with them, talk about their father and how much he loves them, but if the new relationship comes up, gently shift the conversation on to something else.

Now they are reaching an age where they can legally make their own decisions who they see and do not see, you could say that you know their mother would prefer you not to see them, they can now make their own choices and they will always be welcome in your home. Never ever say anything than nice things about their mother.

Also keep in mind the second hand information from the grand daughter is her teenage perspective of the situation- she thinks Dad is convincing himself he is happy, for example.
I would keep out of any discussions like that about her opinion of how her Dad feels

I think you have to accept he has chosen this partner and he can choose to spend money on whatever he wants.

Of course he shouldn't be abandoning his children and you can be there to support them - but don't comment about their Dad or the new partner, that won't help the children and will only result in your son edging you out further.
People don't generally take well to criticism of their partners.

Parents should really never get involved in their children's relationships unless their child's life is truly in danger.

A parent's instinct will always be to protect a child. That's normal. That's what parents do. But it also means parents are not objective third parties when it comes to their children.

At this point, you say nothing. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself.

Jen67patte

Morning ladies
I’ve just spoken to my adoptive mother and told her about the things I remember her saying and doing to me as a child and young mum.
She said she doesn’t remember… she doesn’t have dementia.. and just keep saying, well if that’s how you feel about me…
Should I just leave it now or speak up again?
I think I feel better having just got a few things off my chest.
Thankyou

Why don’t you start your own thread? Click on Forums on the red strip at the top of the page, choose a subject and repeat your post (perhaps with a bit more background).

As someone has said your children are teenagers now so I would keep the links to them open and make sure they know you love them and are there if they need you. Your son is middle aged so really up to him to sort out his life.

Morning ladies
I’ve just spoken to my adoptive mother and told her about the things I remember her saying and doing to me as a child and young mum.
She said she doesn’t remember… she doesn’t have dementia.. and just keep saying, well if that’s how you feel about me…
Should I just leave it now or speak up again?
I think I feel better having just got a few things off my chest.
Thankyou

You cannot change what he does, and if you try you may lose contact altogether.

He has made his choices - there is nothing you can do to change that, so maybe concentrate on what you CAN do - shower your GC with love and make sure they know that you are always there for them. Do not initiate conversations with them about their Dad, but respond with understanding if they bring up the subject. Assure them that he does love them, even if things are not going right. Do not diss their Dad, but support them when needed.

But I would be angry too! - but just not let it out - except on here!

In your situation I'd focus on my grandchildren & on maintaining a good relationship with them. It's my understanding that (legally) at age 16 a child can choose which parent to live with, so surely staying over with a grandparent should be possible. Are your DGC able to visit you: do you see them in person at all?

Thank you all for your insights and helpful comments. Sadly his ex doesnt communicate with us. We are not allowed to have the children stay or take them on holiday. But we do try and do what we can. I text and keep in touch regularly and we have a good relationship. And yes they know they are loved by us and it hopefully will help.
I am wary of speaking to son because I don’t want to risk a total rift as I have seen happens sometimes on this site!
The children are 16 and 15 now so as they get older it will be easier - they will have more of a voice! My son does love his children but they are no longer no 1 with him. But they are with me!

I know a few men who left their children when another woman came on the scene.One of them even phoned his 9 and 11 year olds and told them he wouldnt be seeing them anymore as he had a NEW family .Sadly its quite common and the men tend to get off scot free.My own ex SIL did the same and his daughter has awful seperation issues that he insists are not his fault as he was "entitled to get on with his life"
I dont think theres anything you can do that will change things,have your GC got a good relationship withe their mother? Thats what you need to focus on,they need to know they are loved by one of their parents .Some men just dont grow up and they seem to walk away without any criticism .
Depending on the childrens ages I'd try to be honest with them but without blaming eitherhim or his new partner,that way they might be able to reconnect in time.
It awful watching the wee ones suffer ,all you can do is be there for them .

I think you probably should do something, but not yet. You need to sort out a few things first, before you can begin to think about what might improve the situation.

You are talking about what you will do if your son's marriage to this woman fails, but they are not married! Do you want it to fail? Is that what you're hoping for? You tell us he won't want to admit any problems. Does that mean you've made your thoughts plain and he knows you disapprove of this person?
You say he wants to make it work. Then maybe the best thing you can do for HIM (if it's him you want to help?) is to let him get on with things without your disapproval. And be there for him if ever he wants your help or your shoulder.
But if it's your grandchildren you want to help then you need to look and see what they need. EG one poster suggested you might take them on holiday. Spend time with them, and let them know you're there for them and they can talk to you whenever they like. Maybe have them to visit for part of their time with their Dad (as would have happened naturally).
As a grandmother it is often only small things you can do, but those small things will help and will make a BIG difference to your DGC. They will know they have their GM's love, when they're struggling to understand why their father's love seems to be going elsewhere.
I wish you the best. You're stuck in a difficult situation. I hope it will get easier for all of you.

Oh how sad ! I can understand how hard it is for you. The poor kids ! They should be his priority and not that woman’s children. Just be there for them. They need you, more than ever.
What about the mother of your grandchildren? Does she still see them and do they feel secure with her?
My heart aches for you and the grandchildren. Be strong for them.x

I think you know your son is fully aware he is dominated. Nothing will change unless he eventually snaps and sorts his life out. This may never happen you probably know that too.
It would be upsetting for me if in the same situation. The only thing I would personally do if it was my son. I would tell him I hope he does not get married if he asks why I would put him straight about how you feel. How it affects his children who are the world to you and should be to him. It might make him have a good think about the relationship who knows. Just getting that off your chest might help you cope more with the situation.
It's best you keep being a support for you grandchildren as you have been. They trust you and love you and know you are there for them.

It sounds (sorry to say this) as he is a bit of a lost cause to be honest.

I'd think the best thing you can do is try to support your grandchildren. Do they come to stay with you? Could you take them on holiday?

Aw, that is sad. How old are the children, and do they live with him?

I know if it were me I would have a talk with him. I do understand that grown children should run their own affairs, but when it affects children, sometimes a third party can see a different viewpoint.

Thank you Brigeit
I have asked him how things are and he glosses over it and says all is well. I feel he wont want to admit it if things are not right. He is trying to make it work. But his partner is the kind of woman who will never be satisfied. He will be her third husband if they marry. Of course we will be there to support him if it fails. But this is the only childhood my grandchildren will have.

Perhaps just ask him to talk to you about how things are, & reassure him that you are always available for a chat , & that you will never betray his confiding in you if he chooses to do so. Best wishes