One adult Son never helps who should say something ?

People are different, some helpful and involved some not. I would think if the siblings are bothered by it they should be the ones to say something to him, siblings can get away with saying things that parents cannot.

Does he actually want to be involved with family events or does he feel obliged and it is his way of showing he is not interested so will not help or contribute?

Agree with Elizabeth27

Please concentrate on the moment and I hope you enjoyed the meal and company- everybody was celebrating with you, that is what counts.

Just be glad you are not living with him! Grit the teeth and bite the tongue when he visits!

The "with our wine" comment indicates to me that there are other underlying troubles here.

Yes, I’m trying to focus on my other 2 not letting his behaviour ruin it all. The wine comment was that apparently the wine was supposed to be brought by my son , as my husband overheard my daughters husband make a comment about that to him ?.
After being made aware of that I got really upset about him and decided to write for advice

I’d leave it to his brother and sister. Our anniversary celebrations are between us and not for our children to concern themselves with at least thus far, we’ve been married for 39 years.

Has your son always been like that?

Your son did not bring the wine as requested - what did you do then?

My eldest brother is like this. If we go to his house my other brother and myself either take and cook the food or we have a takeaway that the two of us pay for.
When they come to me, I really go all out with the food as I enjoy cooking, younger brother brings wine, chocolates and flowers, elder brother brings absolutely nothing and also arrives very early, doesn’t help and he and his partner expect to be waited on. I don’t feel that I can say anything and younger brother would much rather bring double than call elder brother out. It’s not that he can’t afford it, but he was much more difficult as a child and tended to get away with more. Nanny2020 is it perhaps that he feels more entitled, perhaps he doesn’t have as much money as his siblings. Maybe next time you have them all over ask them to bring a dish each then you can joke about him not contributing if he doesn’t bring it and tell him he has to do the washing up! Humour goes a long way but on this occasion you didn’t organise your party so I don’t think you should say anything.

Sounds so very similar Nandad !!
He definitely can afford it , he and his wife make the most income of all of them, but yes humor might be the way to go , as all my kids are like me, not very outspoken , avoidant of conflict.
I’m assuming my daughter asked him to bring wine , I wasn’t involved , my hubby overheard our son in law calling him out on using our wine & not bringing his own wine for a toast ?
Maybe he got the message from him ?‍♀️

Nanny

Being avoidant, hiding the head in the sand and hoping your son heard your son in law's comment calling him out is no way to address this

Who provided your wine to your son?

Please stand up for yourself and if you have an issue with your son, talk to him

Being avoidant only creates a bigger snowball that may end up in an avalanche

If things like this are left to fester, they grow into situations s
that become unmanageable and damaging when people feel you have been holding back and somehow disappointed in them for periods of time..

If it were me I would just say
something simple like, you wash, I will dry or, x cooked so I think we should let them put their feet up and clean up... Lead by example

Is he the youngest by any chance? Lol

Next time, tell him in advance what you want him to bring and what he is expected to do to help a family event.

Say that his sister is doing one set of jobs/providing certain food dishes for the event, that his brother is doing the same and please could he - provide a cold dessert, bring a quiche and 2 bottles of wine and could he help with clearing the table after the meal.

He can of course say 'no', but that makes him look mean and selfish.

It’s over and done with is it worth staying disappointed and ruining the memories of what should have been a lovely treat ok it didn’t go quite right but is it worth chewing it all over and over
Id let it go if he didn’t pull his weight it was up to your other son or daughter to pull him up Although it was in your house it was put on by the children not by you so not really your
place to say anything

When I had a little niggle about being an only child and therefore getting no outside help with my mum and dad (my eldest who helped as much as she could with work and two children to care for) she said to me mum if you had brothers and sisters it would still probably fall all on one and she’s right

Personally if you have another get together I d make it quite clear what each couple is doing and that way if his part in the arrangement isn’t done you can bring it up and tell him to pull his socks up ( in the nicest possible way)

You are unreasonable.He is an adult and his choice how he lives his life.

You clearly have a resentment towards him,I doubt he ever gives his behaviour a second thought.

Three sons all different used to get upset now I visit them separately and do our thing. It’s the only way I can cope with it.

I have two son's both as different as chalk & cheese I would not wish for them to be any other way.

Thanks for your input everyone, I agree it’s up to the siblings to deal with this event but for future I’m going to be more assertive with delegation going forward . It is a good skill to develop !

I’m afraid they are quite simply different characters and I don’t think you will change them

My brother's the free-loader/cheapskate in our family where get-togethers are concerned. He pulled out of the last one at short notice, no apology.
My sister and I just get on with it. I can't be bothered with the aggravation of taking him to task over his attitude and behaviour ?