Difficult relationship with daughter-in-law

I would say it only common courtesy to say that you are going out. I can't imagine doing this unless you were making a point. I'm guessing that you are right, in that you are not warmly welcomed. I would be inclined to reduce the visits to alternate years or one week.

I don’t understand why she’d check in with you before going out. The other parent is in the home. Is it possible she views it as giving you alone time with the gc, while not actually using you as child care? I could understand being upset if your son and DIL announced they were off for the evening without a mention, but that’s not the case. She probably views your visits as being about the gc and your son, her presence isn’t a requirement.

I really don’t see where disrespect comes in at all. You’re his mother, not hers, so wouldn’t the onus for spending time with you be on him?

I’m honestly confused about your expectations.

Rosie, Am I right in thinking you are in UK and they US? You are on a pension so what you so spend is difficult to make up. I think you have come in for criticism by some. You sound a very caring person. If you are just seeing them for two weeks a year it is not too much to ask for your son to alter his schedule to spend some quality time with you a bit, for you dil to spend time getting to know you, I would leave the next visit and go somewhere for a holiday of your choosing. So if you miss a year you can put it down to finances but take a step back. Face time them and text each week keeping contact going. Wait for them to ask you, then say will we be spending any time together as a family, you don’t want to come and take over their care routine and see what comes up, it is rude to just leave you to your own devices and not tell you where your dil is. I am sorry you go all that way, willing to help them but little thought goes into making you welcome. Too many excuses are made for people that do not consider anyone else’s feelings so look after your self. Sometimes people don’t see or appreciate what’s under their noses.

I want to believe the "their" is a typo for "his"

I am their mother for gods sake, and expect some sort of respect. What is this world coming to.

You are not her mother though. Although, for the record, I don't see her being disrespectful.

You need to talk to your son. This starts and ends with him. Perhaps they had talked about her need for space and he didnt share that with you? Id find my own childs behaviour of hiding in the office all day much more egregious.

Are you spending quality time with your grandchildren and son?

What would you like to see happen? Are you expecting your DIL to be more of a hostess while you are there?

My daughter inlaw was the same as yours is very cold, no matter what I did I’m a chatty person real ppl person and I just couldn’t get to break that ice. Then she had my granddaughter and she changed but not because of having baby but how me and her mum was with her. I don’t stay at my kids houses I stay in a hotel so I’m not overwhelming them. I also don’t do housework for them. I ask if they want anything doing and I normally get just with grandkids mum you here to visit not do housework. My daughter inlaw is the way she is because of how she was brought up. It’s just her personality we get on alright now it’s not perfect but what family is. My other sons wife go shopping and everything with her but two different ppl with two different personalities. Ask yourself how would you feel if someone came into your home and did what you did would you feel like she might. Put yourself in her shoes and look at how you are in her eyes. Maybe she goes out so you get some alone time with your grandkids and why would she tell you when she is back. Dad is with you and she is a adult. I wouldn’t ask any of mine when coming back if I’m left with kids. I see I’ve got my alone time and they know kids in safe hands and I’m happy they enjoying their peace time lol

I wonder do they ever come and visit you?
It is a tricky one and I can see both sides.
When we lived abroad my MiL would come for three weeks and not tell us when she planned to go home.
This happened twice a year and I found it hard I have to admit, however, I did not go out and do my own thing in that time. I took her out and about.
I think your DiL is quite rude but I cannot see her changing after 14 years.
I agree with others that maybe you should suggest you stay somewhere else for part of the time and see their reaction.
Maybe they do not realise you feel uncomfortable.

Scentia's suggestion is also good or having a word with your DS to see how the land lies.
I wish you luck as nobody deserves to feel awkward.

Hithere

Even an air bnb?
I like the idea of you saving for longer, there is no need to go to the extreme of no more visits

I agree hithere if it were me, I'd save for a bit longer and do at least half the time at an airbnb or cheaper hotel.
There are plenty of hotels in America with mini-kitchens in the room.
They are much bigger than European hotel rooms on the whole too - so easier to "live" in.

Two weeks is a long time to spend with anyone but obviously this is forced upon you due to the geography.

Are the children at home or on school holidays when you visit?
It may be better if you visit during the holidays so you can do things with the children, you haven’t said how old they are.

How about each evening in the presence of your son ask what is on the agenda the following day and make a plan.
Try asking your DIL to make a list of any jobs she would like doing, sewing, gardening etc.

How are the weekends spent? Is it easier when your son is around, do you spend time as a family?

Finally when I’m staying with anyone, each day I take my book upstairs or outside and read to give everyone a couple of hours of space.

maybe she simply does not like you, or like having you in her home for so long, and going out is the only way she can tolerate the visits.
if she'd wanted to get to know you, she'd have done so by now.
but she does not forbid you to come to the house.
so it's a compromise i guess.
how she behaves is exactly what i have seen suggested on MN for someone who dreads her MIL visiting, how to survive without screaming. doesn'

My practical solution would be. Next time you visit you say “DiL, I think it would be a good idea if we had a chat, I feel like you don’t want me here but I want to see you all. Please tell me if I am annoying you as I can have a tendency to interfere/take over (whatever you think she could be irritated by) be honest and say you would love to have a relationship with her as well as your DS and DGC but even after 14 years you don’t feel like you know her. Say you feel like she doesn’t like you and that is ok, but you like her a lot and would like to put right whatever is wrong.”
Don’t expect to be her best friend she may not like you, that is totally ok, but it would be difficult to refuse to talk to you after asking her for her thoughts!

Posted too soon.

I can’t think of anything worse than having to spend all day every day making conversation with someone I barely know, so in your shoes I’d be delighted if my daughter-in-law didn’t expect it of me. I would not, however, be overly impressed if my son then expected me to act as an unpaid childminder, so I’d be having a word about that fairly sharpish.

Also, how old are your grandchildren? Can they be put on a flight to you now and again?

Practical solutions from someone is the UK who has visitors from the US for longer than I’d like visits:

Plan your own days. What do you want to do whilst you are there - are there museums, national parks, tbeatres, galleries, etc that you’d like to go to? Are there places further afield you’d like to spend a few days? Tell them before you go next time that you plan to get out and about on X number of days, doing such and such, and would anyone care to join you for some/all of it? If you need a car for some of the activities, politely tell them you’ll either need to borrow theirs, or can someone give you rides. If not, budget for a shorter trip with cat hire (cheap in the US).

Speak to your son about what his and his wife’s expectations of your visits are, how they mesh with yours and what would work best for all of you. Maybe, if they have the money to pay for it, they and you would love to take the kids away for a couple of days? Or would it work better if you came for shorter trips, or maybe you should be alternating? I’m not suggesting these are the right discussion points - you will know that better than I can what you’d like to ask and suggest.

Even an air bnb?
I like the idea of you saving for longer, there is no need to go to the extreme of no more visits

Pressed post instead of enter (sigh)

The concept of respect is different depending the person you ask

Please do not expect respect the way you understand it as you are setting it up for failure

This is all about expectations - how you did it vs how it would work with your son's family

I have been called upon to help when grandchildren were born, called upon for financial assistance when they moved to US. I am now on a pension so it is more difficult for me to stay in other accommodation. I’ll have to really think about whether I want to visit again

I appreciate all the comments. Maybe it comes down to the generation gap and the distance. I was brought up in different times where family all pitched in. If you didn’t help you were frowned upon. I’m sure it is difficult for many people to have a visitor i their home for two weeks. There really isn’t much of an alternative for me at this point, perhaps not go at all. I am their mother for gods sake, and expect some sort of respect. What is this world coming to.

I'm sorry Rosie I was typing whilst you wrote you couldn't afford to stay elsewhere.
Apologies.

Can you save ip for a bit longer so you could maybe do 1 week elsewhere and 1 week with them? I'd definitely raise it as a discussion point with your son - just say you wondered if you were a bit in the way "given they are both so busy"?

It may be a conversation starter if nothing else. Obviously do not criticise his wife but maybe he is just not really aware.

I can see it must be hard visiting alone though. At least I have someone back in the hotel/holiday house to grumble to if I feel I'm missing out for a couple of days.

We must try to remember what it was like for our parents and grandparents when we moved away 1000s of miles away and thry might never see us again.
I do try to be grateful for the opportunity to keep in touch more closely.
?

I know you say, Rosie that she has no family or support network there but neither did I unless you count friends - (which I did). These were always helpful and trustworthy but wouldn't be involved in day-to-day care/cooking/cleaning etc. Maybe those of us who lived away from family become more conscious of them trying to "help" and feel generally that we are happier just getting on with whatever is needed on our own?

I'm not suggesting anything here but if you are accustomed to doing it all yourself, as a family, you do feel that you don't normally need help to be honest and may resent it.

As far as your need to look after your grandchildren goes. As someone else said, what would they do if you were not there? Are they old enough to simply know not yo disturb your son except in an emergency perhaps? Maybe they entertain themselves usually?

I hope you can find a good way round this issue. I'd start with booking alternative accommodation next time. Fingers crossed that is enough.

Don't ask him to take time off work unless you know he has a generous holiday allowance. I think he probably needs to use it with his wife and children.

Good luck.

It does sound odd. How are your evenings when your DS is finished work? Do you all eat together?

I would shorten my visits. I know you love to spend time with grandchildren, but if their mother is making things awkward, the vibes might be felt by the children. I would have a word with your son, not accusingly, but just inquiring if your visits are welcomed, and perhaps planning them when he has time off.

Unfortunately I can’t afford to stay elsewhere

I am with the grit teeth if I get "help" in the house brigade.
My mother-in-law tries to do it and both my parents did it. Unfortunately its6hard to bite your lip for 2 whole weeks- I think I'd have to go out too even though I know it's well-meaning.

When we visit our son in America we stay elsewhere to give them a break. Last time we were there for over 3 weeks so many days we didn't see them at all.

A pleasant reply, TT, good for you.

To Rosie, I feel the DiL is rude not to have a chat with you, perhaps even suggesting where you might go, with or without the GC. I know the work ethic over there is different otherwise I’d be wondering why your son didn’t take some time off while you’re there. It sounds like a situation I’d hate to be in. I agree with comments about housework as it could be perceived as criticism. Have you broached this with her? When you first knew her was she quite reserved back then? Has she changed?
It could be that her personality precludes her from being communicative. Only you will know this. Anyway I’d cut back on the housework a bit, and wish you well with future visits.