Retirement beckons

Perhaps it might be useful for the two of you to sit down together to have a proper discussion about what you each expect from this new stage of your life together. Maybe both write a bucket list of things you want to do while still physically able, a general overview of how you’d like to spend each day (eg, what time getting up, meal-times and kind of food, social and private times, bedtimes). I’m guessing your lists won’t entirely match, but you then have some material you can each offer to negotiate.

For example, you might want to get up at 8 and have a sit-down breakfast, while he may want to lie in and then mooch and eat. You might agree after discussion to follow your pattern on weekdays and his at weekends. Or you might suggest you go off and do social things earlier in the day while he mooches at home, and then meet him after lunch. Maybe he doesn’t want to find things to do! Many people prefer to potter around, do the odd thing here or there, and fill time with TV, books or just sitting in the garden thinking.

You can use this meeting to divide up domestic chores and cooking. What time of the day will you have your main meal? How often will you eat out or have a takeaway? Will you eat at the table or on trays in front of the TV? Your own eating and sleeping patterns will inevitably change when you retire, so plan purposefully what the change will look like for both of you. I have a friend who discovered to their horror on retirement that their spouse expected them to sit down to sandwich, soup and salad every day and have meaningful conversations, when their working day practice had been to grab a coffee and a pasty and do paperwork over the lunch hour. It escalated to resentment and rows, and ongoing misery.

You probably can’t get him to manufacture oomph, but if you can agree on sharing domestic duties and routines, and both have time to do what you want, it should be quite possible to devise a pattern of living that suits both of you.

You really don't have to do everything together. In fact it's better to have separate interests and activities so you've got lots to talk about when you are together. Maybe have a couple of set days a week when you go out to lunch. Nothing special, just soup and a sandwich at a garden centre or similar. Make a date to see a film. Meanwhile get on and do those activities you want to try. Let him slump into torpor if that's what he wants but it might shake him up a bit to see you having fun trying new things. No rush though. Take your time to relax into retirement.

The absolute worst thing you could do is be together all the time. You both need to build on your own interests. If he doesn’t have any then that’s for him to deal with . Don’t let him hold you back from doing what you enjoy, or you will come to resent it.
Sit down and talk about your and his expectations and plan in some together time as well.

He can't be dependent on you finding him things to do if you don't! Just stop - his life, his problem.

Do not retire - you will become not only his carer, but his unpaid servant - skivvy. Believe me only boredom awaits.

Hello Stables. I'm pleased you're enjoying Gransnet. I'm on here most days and it's always thought provoking, fun and full of useful advice.

geekesse pretty much covered all my thoughts. I too think you need to discuss this and make a plan otherwise life will drift into a pattern that doesn't fulfil you.

The best advice I was ever given is that you can only live your own life, you can't live for others. I think that applies to your current situation very well. Now's the time for you. Enjoy your retirement.

Hello stables I cannot emphasise enough how vital it is for you to have your own interests that take you out of the house during the day and some evenings. When we retired my husband would have loved for us to do everything together but I hated it and needed some head space and physical space. He is happy pottering at home and playing cricket once a week I need more so I am a Trustee of a hospice, play golf, walking netball and have the WI groups to go. I am still lacking social evenings but I'm working on that by booking a monthly pub night for my netball group. I miss the buzz of work though so definitely look for some things for yourself and stock the freezer with ready meals for him.

My friend and her husband are both retired and don't do anything together. She goes on day trips, walks, out for meals, on holidays (Egypt and Amsterdam recently) with friends/groups. He stays at home, quite happy to watch tv, read or go to snooker with his friend.

My advice is …don’t retire go part time. The shock of being home without all the hustle and bustle, chat and gossip of work makes a day very long after a week or two. Get used to it slowly.

Before retirement, I was told"You are about to go on the longest holiday of your life"
make the most of your time It maybe that one day, you will no longer be able to go to the places, or do the things, that you want.
Encourage DH to come with you on some of the outings, so that he can see the enjoyment that is available.
Encourage him to find things that he can do and will enjoy.
We both have individual interests, in which we participate well as shared ones.
And, to shock readers, that includes each other. Don't give up on love making, in any form. That should be a shared pleasure. This is when you. both have the time, and hopefully the interest. Doing what used to be thought of as "Naughty things" might prove to be fun, and invigorate DH

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may" was the advice to young maidens, and it applies to those of more mature years, as well.