Friend who overwhelms me with talking so much

I always remember reading (somewhere - I can’t remember ?) that you should always try and leave people feeling better about themselves for seeing you. The more I read these posts the more I realise that it’s probably impossible ??

As this has gone on for so long BrandyGran your friend is unlikely to change now. Not sure there is a way forward without actually saying it as it is. The only thing I can suggest is to meet up less often and be prepared for her constant talking, try and let it go over your head.

Alioop that is so rude to tap away on your phone during lunch, I would have no hesitation in asking your friend to put away her phone.

I have two friends like this, neither knows each other. Both wonderful and I am fortunate to have them in my life but gosh, they do go on to the point I feel quite unwell sometimes after meeting them. My head spins to the point of a headache.

I think you can only see less of your friend after a lifetime you may find she just won't change, however, we do get to a point where friends who have known us when young get fewer and fewer so treat yourself and her kindly.
It seems most of us have friends like this, I often spend a couple of hours with a friend who never asks how I or the family are until about two minutes before she leaves. I get rather naughty now and start on a long story I know won't be finished.
There also seems to be this thing of having a particular type of face that people confide in, the things I have been told by complete strangers sometimes amazes me.

PinkCosmos you have just described one of my friends, she almost makes a point of turning away from you as you’re telling her something to join in another conversation amongst the group which I find very rude, I will add it’s not just me she does it too.
This is the same friend who kept muting me when a group of us had a zoom meeting at Christmas during lockdown. Apparently my grandchildren were being ‘far too noisy’ in the background. They were actually in another room, yes it was Christmas, they were a little exited but it wasn’t affecting our conversation (she has no DC or GC so doesn’t get family noise) When she went to mute me the third time I just said ok Merry Christmas & goodnight & switched HER off. You may ask why are we still friends & I admit there are times I have felt like cutting ties but she does also have a good side, I’ve know her for over 20 years & wouldn’t really like to fall out but boy does she like to dominate the conversation!

DillytheGardener

My mother in law does this with a catalogue of moans. She prefaces her conversations with ‘I don’t like to moan but’……..
similar to other posters you have to act enthralled otherwise she gets into a huff.
No advice really, but have you ever thought about being honest? Saying could she try to listen a bit so you can have a back and forth conversation?

That 'back and forth' caught me. I have a friend who just won't relate that way. She insists I tell her 'all my stuff' first and she listens, then insists I listen to 'her stuff'. We then try and remember what each other have said so we can comment! It's a trial but I love her really.

that's a good point

why not suggest listening skills?
if that doesn't work, let her go, life is too short. I had a destructive pattern of letting people into my life who had major issues,i fully realised this earlier this year ,i lost a lot of people ,and im slowly making connections with people who don't drag me down. relationships should have a balance.

I have a friend like this. When I have had enough, I feign a snore and drop my head to the table.....never fails.

He doesnt want to see his sister all the time, though.
Doesnt that count for anything??

To * isummer* the one with the terminally ill husband and his sister who keeps visiting him. How cruel you are. I have a sister in Law who rules the roust. If she answers the phone, she never asks if I would like to speak to my brother. She gets between me and my brother as much as possible.
If he was terminally ill, we would all be controlled by her control freakerer.
My Mother, who was such a easy going person really disliked her, as she complained about my brother to her. She also complains about him to me, we are his biggest fans. She has no idea what we think of her.
I think you should come out of his sick room ISummer and give the brother and sister some of time on their own.

BrandyGran - tell your friend that you realise your time is limited with her and that you too have news you want to share with her, so have a rule that you put a timer or an alarm on your clock to give you each the same amount. As a psychotherapist I work in a time-controlled environment, I have to cut a client short at 50 mins, and in clinical supervision I am allocated maybe 25 mins and have to fit everything I want to discuss in that time, GPs are kept to 10 mins, likewise dentists they also have time slots. If you friend had to pay for your time she would learn to be more economical with what he says. One of the members of our book club behaves like your friend, hogs the airspace and irritates everyone else so we moved to somebody keeping time, dividing the time up between us formally and then using a timer.

I have a friend who is lovely and we get on well. However, my DH and myself meet up with her and her DH quite a bit.

She can be talking to me and the DH's start a different conversation as they are probably not interested in what we are talking about. My friend will carry on talking to me but when I contribute to our conversation, it is clear that she is trying to eavesdrop of the DH's conversation - in case she is missing something.

Quite often I have stopped halfway through responding to here as she is clearly not listening to me!! I find it quite rude especially as the DH's will be talking about cars or something!

Don't get me on to people who are on their phones all the time when they are supposed to be with you. I find this extremely rude. This doesn't really happen to me as I am older and my friends aren't permanently attached to their phones like a lot of younger people seem to be.

I find it quite sad when I see a married couple out for coffee/in the pub and they are both staring at their phones as though the other person is not even there.

I have a friend like this who is also a very kind person but completely absorbed with how she supports her mother. Mother lives alone a few miles away and has multiple health problems all of which I get a running update on every time I see her. However, mother is quite active and does go out, do own shopping etc so not bedbound. After about 2 hours it then changes to very personal things her other friends have told her. I'm cautious now about what I tell her and visits have now become once a month instead of weekly. I wonder what she says about me to them. Plus there's only so many times you can hear the same thing about mother over and over again.

I have an agreement with friends that phones are off during lunch.. much more civilised

I find it really challenging to unbearable when people tell every single nuance of things like their shopping, cleaning, new carpet etc and people and events I know nothing about. It's just utterly boring! And I can relate to the 'trapped' feeling mentioned by Avenile.

I once had a new male friend who hardly drew breath. He was an 'every detail' person and I found myself getting more and more uncomfortable and frustrated.
In the end I said to him that I had no space to speak and that didn't work for me. He found that really difficult to hear but that was my/the truth. I am an upfront type!!

I'm really not needing a 'friendship' to be talked at and given no space to be heard. I think it's selfish and lacking the awareness that the other person has a need to be heard too. I no longer spend time with that person but spend it with my friends who can share the talking time and are happy with small silences in the conversation.

If a friend is in distress and just needs me to listen and be supportive, I have all the time in the world and can put myself aside, as that's a different thing. I know if I'm in a difficult place they will be there for me too. For me, that's friendship.

My interactions with others need to be mutual.

My yammerimg is not all about me, it is about the latest bee in my bonnet - and the subjects are many and various. Ones about me are rare.

I've a friend who has loads of conversations when we are out for lunch, doesn't stop chatting. Its a pity it's not to me though, it's to everyone else on her phone. She never stops tap tapping or answering the darn thing.

Some people are just self centred... Reduce your contact or develop a deep interest in her and all her doings.

I have ADHD and talking fast and nonstop is characteristic for this problem.

I do my best to control it. but if I start doing it, both friends and family tell me I am doing it, and if I do not respond, they will simply tell me to shut up.

I have two friends like this and have resorted to putting up my hand and asking “may I speak now?” Luckily we’re such good friends we can laugh about it and now all I need do is raise my hand and they realise they’ve been prattling on and on and ..

I’d try and introduce someone else into the mix

Thankyou most sincerely for those of you who really answered my question. Leaving more space between meeting up is a good idea. I suppose some of us are on opposite ends of the “vocal spectrum “! Anyway it does us all good to get if off our chests in an anonymous way! I suppose it depends on what level of talking you are used to- my husband and I can happily co exist quietly ,so when I meet my friend it’s like being met with a continuous tuesnami of noise!!!

I'll have to get some 'readers digests' to put out.

She is going to knock in a minute, I know. .she has been out for lunch (via mine)