Sad DIL here - please help me understand them

Yes I think my husband needs to employ the nuclear option, granny23.

Bullies carry on because they don’t get challenged

I suppose an inlaws, we fall between being colleagues and family members really. It’s a pity that there are so many of you on my shoes and I really appreciate your responses.

Am at work but will read and reply properly later. Thank yoi ❤️

Elisheva asked What did you do about it? Did your husband ever tackle them?

He did indeed. One day when the children had been staying with MIL & FIL for the weekend, we were met with a tirade of verbal abuse when we went to collect them. This was directed to my DH but was all complaints about things I had allegedly done or failed to do. e.g. I had failed to send any 'pretty' clothes, or sun hats - Only shorts, Tshirts, etc. so MIL had had to buy some dresses for them before they were fit to be seen by her neighbours, had not 'trained' them to be happy to share a bed. nor to clean their plates at every meal, ect. There had apparently been tears and tantrums at bed times - again this was 'my' fault. This was all said in front of the DDs.
My DH put his arms around me & the girls and told his mother that 'this is my family and I will not let you or any person decry them and upset them in any way.' Then he picked up the youngest grabbed their bags and we all walked out. Later FIL begged us not to cut them off and contact was resumed but mostly between DH & the Girls with me being 'busy elsewhere'

Where you have gone wrong, Elisheva, is you don't understand or admit you are more adult than the others. You, not the others, can see something is wrong and try to sort it. This does not imply you can sort it, and maybe you will have to leave them all to their erring judgments.

I guess what is holding you back is your perceived need for a happy extended family. Apart from that, you seem to have done astonishingly well in the circumstances .

I doubt if you can sort them all out but maybe if you can distance yourself but leave the social door open for an initiative from one of them that would be the best bet.

Sorry your so called DJ failed you so bad - still not protecting you from his parents and putting you and his kids first

You also have an issue - going back to fake congenial relationship with them is a delusional idea.

I hope that as parents, you realize your kids come first and do so

It was my late FIL who didn't want his son to marry me .He told me as soon as we got engaged.I was the "wrong religion" .
He used to walk out of rooms when I went in for years .
He told me if I took his son I had to take his religion .
After speaking to my parents about it (they had a mixed religion marriage) they said it mattered not a jot to them where we got married as long as we were happy .We got married in his church ,that he hadn't attended since he was about 13 ,but FIL came and smiled for the cameras.
He adored our daughter and she spent a lot of time with him at the farm,weekends and weeks during the summer and although he was always cool with me, as long as my kids were happy I madethe effort to keep them close .MIL was always a joy and that helped.
Not long before he died ,when we'd been married near 40 years he told me he couldn't have picked a better wife for his son .I cried .
Was it worth putting up with him,his attempts to make everything I said wrong ,his refusing to atend my first GS's christening in a catholic church (he went in the end through family pressure) yes I believe it was .My OH had his dad and my kids and GC had a grandfather who they loved .
If you can ignore him or avoid him and let his son and GC build relationshps with them that would be best for them .I know its hard to step away but let your OH deal with them and the yelling etc and have some nice quiet time without the hassle

My husband is very upset about this rift.

Think he was quite happy being blind and a bit dismissive before he really started to see how they are with me. He was near tears at the weekend. They’re really causing him a lot of hurt.

Yeah she told me all about my SIL’s sexual abuse experiences before I’d ever even met her. I was completely horrified and never confided in her anything that I wouldn’t be happy shared with the world. That’s awful
Isn’t it!

So as you don't like her, carry on having nothing to do with her. TBH I fail to see why you'd even consider spending anytime with this woman if she's as bad as you claim.

"she's nasty to me and bitches endlessly about my SIL telling me about her sexual a side situation which I found completely appalling"!!.

So the problem is for the best possible reason as a mother - you stood up for your children. Of course it's sad but what else could a good mother have done?

Hetty58

Why stress about it? You can't change them - or make them like you more - so just limit contact and/or keep it brief and ignore them as much as they do you. You really don't need any more contact or attention from them (why would you?) so just enjoy your life as it is.

I agree with Hetty58 you have done all you can Elisheva so enjoy your life with your family and leave the stress behind. I understand you want everyone to be a happy family unit but unfortunately it's not going to happen. There is only so much one person can do and I think you have reached the limit.

Smileless2012

You say you've had nothing to do with them for 3 years and in your position, I would continue with that. If your H wants to see his parents and for them to see their GC, they can do so without you being there.

You say your f.i.l. has mental health problems so your m.i.l. has "a really awful time with him" and yet you describe her as "spineless and bitchy" so it doesn't sound as if you like her anymore than she likes you.

Concentrate on your own family. You don't have to see your in laws so just leave them to it.

I don’t like her because she’s nasty to
Me and she bitches endlessly about my SIL including telling me about her sexual a side situation which I found completely appalling.

Bit I’ve always been friendly and kind to her because I feel sorry for her

And I’m mad about my husband who was clearly raised very well. I respect her for that .

This has been an immensely useful exercise actually. I appreciate everybody who has replied. There is no answer I suppose, I just feel bad for all four of us. Maybe they just don’t want to see us. But I don’t think that my very obvious ostracism should go unchallenged. My husband will be basing words with them this weekend but secretly I have no plans to see them again and I do know that nothing will be resolved

You say you've had nothing to do with them for 3 years and in your position, I would continue with that. If your H wants to see his parents and for them to see their GC, they can do so without you being there.

You say your f.i.l. has mental health problems so your m.i.l. has "a really awful time with him" and yet you describe her as "spineless and bitchy" so it doesn't sound as if you like her anymore than she likes you.

Concentrate on your own family. You don't have to see your in laws so just leave them to it.

If your husband is golden boy then sadly you will never make the grade.
My mother was a narcissistic, my brother was the golden boy and I was the scapegoat.
My brothers wife was given an awful time by my mother because she was deemed to be common, thick, greedy, a bad cook, a poor dresser etc etc.
I’m afraid the best way of dealing with this is no contact.

My children stayed the night for the first ever and FIL started roaring at them for some minor indiscretion. They came gone in pieces. I phoned them and very politely asked MIL what happened and said that a grown man roaring at a 6&8 year old would have been very intimidating. I was polite and collegial. But made it clear that I didn’t think it acceptable.

After that they phoned my husband and said that I had deleted them off Facebook and that is broken into his account and deleted them too ?

(Why would I do that?)

My husband went mad at them

They never spoke to me again. ?‍♀️

Last year they had a go at my son for ni reason again and my husband defended him vigorously and left.

His dad is most definitely a massive bully. Strident ex lawyer.

I’m sad about the lack of family but we get on fabulously with my side so

What do I want? Maybe a return to false conviviality perhaps. Maybe none of it matters. I don’t want my children having poor relations with them but as I wrote this, I realise that there isn’t a decent one there anyway: they have one angry stroppy grandfather who they’re fearful of, and a completely
Milquetoast sappy grandmother. I suppose I just feel a bit sorry for her and me.

I had a very similar situation with my MIL. I could not do anything right and she hated me. I can honestly say I tried everything to get along with her, but it was always wrong.

One day my SIL said to me you will never win with my Mum and another day MIL made my DH choose between me and her.

He chose me and our DD and we cut ourselves off from her.

She was a bitter twisted woman, who moaned about everyone and everything.

In the long run she cut her nose off to spite her face as she lost out on seeing our DD, but she had always favoured her DD and her children anyway.

I think just ignore them,too. They are very unusual because nearly all the grandparents I know just love having their grandchildren around and if they don’t like their SIL or DIL they just go along with it and are polite. Did something happen to trigger it or has it been like this since you first met your husband ?

Can you not see why it’s sad? My husband an I would like to do things like have them over for lunch etc like we used to until I was just too fed up with the way they treat me

I’m not talking banquets and parties here just having my husbands favourite people in the same room

I am quite easygoing really, as are my husband and children

It’s a pointless and sad state of affairs.

We are very close to an Aunty and uncle and they come to all the school sports days etc because I just don’t invite the grandparents anymore. They can’t be civil to me so I just don’t choose to be in their company.

You say you need to be liked in a family context and don’t know where you went wrong !!!
Well not everyone will like you and why worry just carry on being a good mum a good wife and stop stressing so much about the outlaws stop trying so hard maybe that’s annoying them Just be within your own set up stop doing big family get together which are rarely happy for everyone be happy with your own unit
Why do you feel this great need to draw everyone in it’s not working You ve got a good husband and lovely kids why make it all bigger be content with your own family and if you have to meet up be pleasant , be polite but do not expect anything warm and wonderful

Bless what you have stop trying to change and expand it

Why should it cause you distress you don't need it , why should you take it off them ... have nothing to do with them , although I agree you should encourage your husband to visit them ... similar type of thing happened when my daughter & son in law were getting married ... his dad gave him an ultimatum less than 2 weeks before they got married ... my daughter or his family ! I asked my son in law either 2 or 3 times does he still want to marry my daughter ... his reply ... yes she wouldn't give me an ultimatum ... wasnt sure if inlaws were coming to the wedding or whether FiL would object, told the vicar just in case ... I said to my daughter nothing in the world would spoil your wedding ... nothing did even though I ignored them both ! Could have been was because SiL always jumped to his dad if he wanted anything, but not now ... yes does things for him but now more assertive ... get on ok with in laws now ... so perhaps you can't change them ... seems like you are a good daughter in law ... try to ignor them although easier said than done ... hold your head up high ... they will want you before you want them ! Also may be a good idea to ask your husband to visit on his own & ask why the sudden change in their attitude to you ... like I say hold your head up high & try to ignor them

Unfortunately, for some mother in laws, no-one will ever be good enough for their baby boy. It sounds like you got one of those. It also sounds like the all too familiar story of the DIL who did all the social effort and then contact stopped when they just couldn't anymore. It's not all on you. Let your husband sort it out and keep standing up for your right to be treated with respect.

Why stress about it? You can't change them - or make them like you more - so just limit contact and/or keep it brief and ignore them as much as they do you. You really don't need any more contact or attention from them (why would you?) so just enjoy your life as it is.

crazyH

So you’ve had nothing to do with for 3 years? And you want to get back with them ? Good for you. I’m a mother-in-law to 2 lovely girls. But it wasn’t always like that. I think they were wary of me. And I was wary of them and wondering why they chose my very well heeled sons. Most m.I.ls are always doubtful in the beginning. But they are now the best things that have happened to my family. The younger d.I.l. Is just a little darling. I shouldn’t say this, but she treats me almost better than my own daughter does, but then it is well documented that most mother/daughter relationships are difficult.
Give it time Elishive - you will be surprised at how well things work out as it did with me. Good luck !

Nope, I’ve been married 15 years.
I have given more than enough time.

crazyH

So you’ve had nothing to do with for 3 years? And you want to get back with them ? Good for you. I’m a mother-in-law to 2 lovely girls. But it wasn’t always like that. I think they were wary of me. And I was wary of them and wondering why they chose my very well heeled sons. Most m.I.ls are always doubtful in the beginning. But they are now the best things that have happened to my family. The younger d.I.l. Is just a little darling. I shouldn’t say this, but she treats me almost better than my own daughter does, but then it is well documented that most mother/daughter relationships are difficult.
Give it time Elishive - you will be surprised at how well things work out as it did with me. Good luck !

We have been married for years. This isn’t a new relationship at all and the annoying thing is that he is only in the habit of seeing them regularly because I insisted on the first place.