Granddaughter and partner issues

Take back your power , it's your home , you've nothing to lose and much to gain . I wish you the very best

As they say on Mumsnet; LTB. (That's IMO anyway....) He sounds like a nasty piece of work, to me.

I can't work out why you're allowing this unpleasant, controlling man-child come into your home and dictate to you who should be allowed to stay with you. He's basically telling you to choose between your GD and him. For a million reasons, don't choose him; Callistemon is right; show him the door.

Sorry should be Ganny.

Granny now you’ve told the full story I agree absolutely with Callistemon and others giving similar advice. There is no compromise with this man. He leaves for 4 years and threatens to leave again. Well good go. If you give in now not only will you always be giving in but it will escalate to the point of where you daren’t put a foot wrong and you will lose all your self esteem and confidence. Get rid while you have the strength and get your life back.

You know the answers Ganny

I'm not one to rush in and say "LTB" as is the answer on Mumsnet, apparently as I'd always suggest compromising, talking things through.

But this time there is no point, he won't compromise, he is a bully. Frankly, he's got it made, hasn't he!
You managed for four years without him, you can do it again
Thank goodness it's your house in your name - it's time to pack his bags, send him on his way and change the locks. You have your lovely family who you may risk losing if this man stays in your life.

Oh and of course I am the one who treats him like shit. Why? Because I am standing up to him. We live in my house.i owned it before we met. He doesn't have a house. He lives here for free. Only pays for his groceries and that's all. He always throws it up in my face that this is 'my house' and he gets no say. Which is absolute rubbish. He potters in the garden and does his own thing there. Also has a 'man cave' which he has turned into a bar room and done out how he likes. I keep saying well buy your own house and we'll live there if you don't like that this is 'my house '. I think he doesn't like it that he cannot tell me who can or can't come here. I honestly think I must just let him go. So very tired of always getting the blame for everything and always being told I treat him so badly.

What a horrible situation to be put in , he is supposed to love you , how would he feel if it was you acting like this . True colours showing here . To be honest I want to say How Dare He !

Good grief lady he left you for four years and just walked back into your life when he was ready
I m afraid he should walk right back out with the behaviour he is exhibiting probably with a boot up his backside
What on earth attracts you to this
Selfish, childish, controlling, unsupportive, punishing individual

Ask him to disappear for good he’s not worth the trouble of trying to make it right
Is it your house? change the locks quickly and put his stuff in boxes ready for dispatch

What hurts the most is the total disgust and distain he is showing towards me. Like I am something at the bottom of his shoe

Oh dear. He regards you with contempt and that is not something easily overcome in a relationship, (bitter experience). It won't improve and I think for your own future happiness and stability you have to end this relationship; your almost -granddaughter is a secondary consideration.

I’d be very clear with him. Tell him having your step granddaughter is non negotiable. Tell him he’s behaving like a child and you aren’t prepared to put up with it. Tell him if he doesn’t like the little girl and isn’t prepared to be nice to her then he must leave your house while she’s there so you can enjoy your time with her. Don’t compromise, you don’t owe him anything, so he needs to grow up or leave.

What made you have him back? - finances? loneliness? grand passion? He doesn't sound like a great catch!

He's just not a very nice person, is he? Life is full of ups and downs and a good relationship helps people through the difficult times, they certainly don't try to make them even more difficult! I think you know what you should do and your last sentence says it all really
"He is impossible to try reason with so I can't even approach him to discuss a compromise."
Why on earth would you want to continue a relationship with someone who is basically a bully?

Thank you all for your advise. To answer a few questions asked. Yes he does have a history of acting like this when things have not gone his way. For various reasons but mainly about the people in my life. He has left me twice in the last 14 years the longest being for 4 years. We did keep in contact during this time even though he had moved to another country. He then came back after the 4 years. It was during this time he was away that my son met his fiance and I started having the little girl over to stay with me on a few weekends. I did not see why this should stop when he came back. In fact when he came back he said I should continue having her. It was only after he was here a few times with her and saw when she misbehaved that he started taking a dislike to her. To answer Avalon and exdancer - I totally agree a compromise would probably be the answer but he won't. He doesn't do compromises. When she comes it's normally late on a Friday and I take her home early on a Sunday. So 2 nights and 1 full day. To answer the question of how he is towards me when she is here - he practically ignores me, gives short answers and is sometimes very dismissive. He ignores her totally. Mumbles a hello and doesn't engage with her at all. I see she looks at him very warily. The thing is I have another gd who is my biological gd. She is 2. He likes her but what happens when she goes through the tantrum stage and other stages. Am I then also not allowed to have her here? At the moment it's been a week he has been sleeping in the spare room. What hurts the most is the total disgust amd distain he is showing towards me. Like I am something at the bottom of his shoe. He is impossible to try reason with so I can't even approach him to discuss a compromise.

If he says he is leaving you over such a trivial matter then I would be suspicious, there could be another reason and he is using the GD ( who only visits every 7 weeks) as an excuse.

It sounds as though he doesn’t like losing control over you, how dare you have a mind of your own! You either toe the line or he will leave you?

Good point, MissA

I wouldn't want my little DD or DGD put into that situation with a man who intensely dislikes her and is too immature to hide his feelings.

I suppose we could also look at it from the little girl's mum's point of view.
I doubt she has been told what is going on - it's awful to think she is sending her little girl into a situation which is fraught with tension, without knowing.

Avalon has a point, lets look at it from your partner's point of view. Your duty to this child is tenuous, she is not a relative and if her mother and your son split up, she will be out of your life for ever.
You don't say how your partner's attitude towards you has changed when she stays? Is he aggressive, dismissive, rude? Does he actually upset her and make her feel unwelcome? How long do these visits last? I'm surprised she wants to stay with you at all.
We need more background information.

Poor child. I woul imagine that his attitude and the atmosphere it creates makes her behviour even worse.

Can he go and stay somewhere else where she comes to stay? Sounds as if it is your house.

If he wasn't so old I would say he was acting like child no. 1 when the new baby is bought home! Jealousy for some reason.
There has to be more going on here.

Every 6 to 8 weeks??
Not my idea of a partner if he can't get over himself and behaves like a petulant child.

Difficult. You have taken on a difficult 8 year old who you haven’t known long without asking your partner who you have been with for 14 years if he agrees. Having her to stay affects you both and your relationship and I can see why he feels aggrieved although he is now behaving rather petulantly. Suppose he had someone round to stay, that you didn’t like, without asking you. How would you feel? You need some sort of compromise here not hard lining.

Does your partner have a history of this kind of behaviour when he doesn't like something you do?

Ending a 14 year relationship is going to be hard. On the other hand, your needs you now and I know where my loyalties lie. You say she is like your own GD. She is going through a difficult time and it’s natural for an 8year old to ‘act out’. He should be supporting you, instead of behaving like a spoilt child. He is resentful of the attention you are giving her. Good luck !

If the presence of this child arouses so much tension, your house is definitely not the right place for her to be, for her sake at least.
Why can you not tell your son that she cannot come here? Are they unable to cope with her? Could you stay in their house in an attempt to help the child, or are her problems more serious than you realise?
You need to tread carefully here.