Family unforging

You might want to start a thread of your own for this, speki4eyes. There's a 'start a new discussion' button at the top of each of the forums.

I know what you mean - when mine leave there is always a lot of clearing up and it feels like very little thanks. I usually find that my fancy bath oil has taken a hammering too . But the other way to look at it is that they see your house as their home, even though you may now see it as (finally) yours again. They are just behaving as though they had never left, and in many ways that's quite a good feeling. They know they are welcome, and don't see themselves as guests.

At the risk of inciting those few Gransnetters otherwise known as 'Holier than Thou', I'd like to ask this question: after a lifetime of caring for offspring, spouse(s) parents and grandchildren, does anyone ever reflect that there could have been an alternative life?
I ask, having just singlehandedly given two days of my life cleaning and restoring my home after back to back visits from my two sons and their families.
Both visits were fraught with undercurrents..sullen and/or demanding teenage grandchildren who spent their waking hours glued to mobiles. One son at war with his wife, the other son picking me up angrily on every opinion I dared to express. My home trashed, my fridge, larder and wine cupboard laid waste. Bedrooms and bathrooms left like tips.
I live in a tourist area and I'm sure that "visiting Mum" for free bed and board and home cooked meals leaves me under no illusion. But couldn't they have taken me out for dinner once or bought a bottle of wine or flowers or a small gift?
Is it only me who gets this treatment? I have not complained but there's part of me that wants to step right away from the lot of them.

JPD, there us nothing you can do except support your brother without getting involved as it will back fire on you. I find it impossible to understand because of one stupid act a family can just bin a husband and father and grandfather. Have none of them never made a mistake? They are obviously above reproach and must have been looking for a reason to get rid, the can be no other explanation being to judgemental and unforgiving of this elderly man. He is in a vulnerable position, they must feel pleased with themselves, one day it found rebound on them.

I think you are right not to get drawn into the situation between him and his wife and children. But I’m not sure why you think his GP can help?

This is not so.I asked for advice and read all the comments in
an unbiased way,I think it’s far too complicated for me to get involved.I’m staying out of it.I don’t live near any of the family,it’s up to them to resolve issues.He should go and speak to his GP first and foremost.

I think the OP thinks the world of her brother and no matter what we say she won’t hear anything bad about him.

It seems to be someone else’s fault.

JPB123 He had driven for 7 hours,then had been asked to mow the lawns, then relaxed along with everyone else and had two glasses of wine, later two whiskies before bed.That is not being drunk, that’s being tired out! He was told it was his drinking. I feel he was wrongly maligned.

You may choose to feel he is wrongly maligned - the women in his family feel cutting out is their answer to his behaviour.

His wife and daughter are dealing as best they can, I think, really.

He had driven for 7 hours,then had been asked to mow the lawns ,then relaxed along with everyone else and had two glasses of wine,later two whiskies before bed.That is not being drunk,that’s being tired out! He was told it was his drinking .

He could have said no to mowing the lawn. He’s allowed to have that boundary too.

Driving 7 hours and doing the lawn certainly doesn’t give him an excuse to get drunk and swear at his family.

You’re missing part of the story.

Maybe you should just invite him to stay with you full time and you can baby him in the way you expect him to be treated.

Once again, why do you feel the women in his immediate family are not allowed to have boundaries?

Sorry JPB123 I still think there's backstory you don't know and probably won't be told.

All you can do is continue to be civil with the individuals involved.

Sorry OP

Why that much drinking? Why mixing? Both big no nos

A request to mow the lawn does not deserve calling anybody a bad word

Still too many unknowns in this story and no background

It doesn't matter what we think, we are internet strangers - we have no power to change what happened

Ah, I see it all now. He mixed the grain and the grape. Definitely a No no. ?

Norah

Summerlove why are the women in his family not allowed to have this boundary?

Indeed, why are the wife and daughter held to solving bad behaviour they didn't cause? They may well need a very long time to "forgive" the man's atrocious, shameful actions - if ever.

He had driven for 7 hours,then had been asked to mow the lawns ,then relaxed along with everyone else and had two glasses of wine,later two whiskies before bed.That is not being drunk,that’s being tired out! He was told it was his drinking .
I feel he was wrongly maligned.

I agree with you.

You are probably correct.

No wind up,I can assure you.I am really upset about the situation.My brother had a couple of glasses of wine, and much later 2 whiskies before bed. He was extremely tired ,had driven for 7 hours,then had been asked to mow the lawns!! I feel that he has been much maligned and would have been better off staying at home.

Does it matter?

anyone else think this is a wind-up ?

Indeed lemsip.
I'd guess there is a big backstory, not known to the OP, and a lot more happened on the day than she's been told.

well he didn't just say the 'c' word out of the blue did he, it came out amongst a lot of other words , that happens when alcohol loosens your tongue!

Could it be he is acting out of character because of stress, or the beginning of some degenerative illness. We don't know the story, but if this is out of charter it's help he needs. Maybe his mental health is suffering, Covid has affected many people, a lot think they would be understanding but to some the reality of it makes them push people away. I would go by how he has always been, not one incident.

I genuinely find it bizarre, that, if this was an isolated incident, and if the man was a lovely father/grandfather before this, someone would estrange.

I'm all for boundaries, but, according to the OP, this was one word on one occasion.

Seems a complete outbreak of overreaction.?

Unless there is a backstory

It would be a funny old world is we all stopped talking to a close relative because of one word said out of place.

But, as the OP hasn't returned, further discussion seems a bit pointless..none of us know the full story.

I agree too

It's up to the individual what they are willing to tolerate in a relationship

We have long moved past days where people were obligated to stay in relationships that made them unhappy

Summerlove

DiamondLily

No, it’s not, but it’s not an estrangement situation.

Unless there is a back story,

Perhaps not to you. We dont know what the boundaries are in this family.

We cannot be the judges of what should or should not be an estrangement issue for others. Only what we personally would or would not estrange over.

Just because you would not estrange over insert issue does not mean that someone else is wrong to do so.

Precisely. Nobody should attempt to tell another family how to set boundaries or what to estrange over.

DiamondLily

No, it’s not, but it’s not an estrangement situation.

Unless there is a back story,

Perhaps not to you. We dont know what the boundaries are in this family.

We cannot be the judges of what should or should not be an estrangement issue for others. Only what we personally would or would not estrange over.

Just because you would not estrange over insert issue does not mean that someone else is wrong to do so.

Surely there has to be a back story and more to it? It's the only way I can imagine this kind of reaction to one incident.