Flying monkey - anyone aware of the term?

I like that FarNorth
or, I want to speak to the organ grinder not the monkey, is a phrase that an old lady told me once a long time ago.

'not my monkeys, not my circus' is of Polish origin.

I love all the answers on this thread, theres so much wisdom here. I hope everyone who has experienced flying monkeys is OK.

Golddustwoman

VioletSky, cutting people off can mean that you are often left in a lonely place if the flying monkeys were your friends and relatives, how did you manage? did you have to start building up a new support network?

I already had one thankfully

I put up with almost 4 decades of abuse until my mother engineered a situation that led to me having a nervous breakdown and asking for serious help from a therapist.

My Dad is a good father and I have my own family, some wonderful work colleagues and friends who had been telling me for years that her behaviour was wrong but I couldn't get myself past thinking I was worthless and deserved it.

What really did it for me was my children telling me ways she had hurt them... I was so unwell I couldn't hide what was going on from them and they were too smart to not see the source. That was that, no one gets to abuse my children.

VioletSky, cutting people off can mean that you are often left in a lonely place if the flying monkeys were your friends and relatives, how did you manage? did you have to start building up a new support network?

Sorry to hear that, GSM.
I hope you're healing?

Great to see you back.
Illegitimi non carborundum

I have only heard the expression 'cat's paw' which comes from an old painting depicting a small monkey kept as a pet which
uses the paw of the family cat, much to it's horror, to get roasting chestnuts off a fire without hurting itself.
the same usage, getting somebody else to do your dirty work.

I'm really sorry to hear that Germanshepherdsmum. Unless you have experienced the ghosting and the gaslighting yourself it's almost impossible to explain it to anyone. It is incredibly damaging and only by educating yourself about the condition that you can start to make sense of it. Take care.

Shep! You’re back! ?
I’ve pmed you x

The point is Allsorts that the person with Narcisstic Personality Disorder can be the epitome of charm and friendliness; its not until the mask slips, usually when you have said No to their requests that it dawns on you !

Yes, I have been a victim of flying monkeys - hence I have absented myself for a long time. It can be very damaging. Please don’t ask me about it.

Yes I have and also due to a narcissistic mother.

I think there are different reasons for it, I can think of a few...

One might be because the bullying person has worked hard to convince the flying monkey they are innocent and blameless and have wound the flying monkey up to be angry on their behalf.

Another might be because the flying monkey feels they can step in and fix the relationship and they are actually being helpful.

Another might be because they are also narcissistic and relish the opportunity to hurt you by repeating your abusers words and generally pretending that you deserve it.

I eventually cut off a few people who did this. Because I had good reasons to end that relationship but I didn't want to actually explain to people from my mothers circles why. Here are the reason I had to cut myself off from them.

1. I knew awful things she said about them that I couldn't hurt them with and I knew my mother would say it was actually me.

2. I genuinely didn't want my mother to not have a support system. She hurt me but I didn't need to hurt her.

3. It was the only thing they wanted to talk about. They didn't ask after me or my children and they didn't respond when I asked after them. Offers to have a relationship without bringing up my mother were ignored.

I've also been used as a flying monkey in the past (the thinking i could fix the relationship kind) and now I know what it is, never again.

Absolutely Smudgie
They gaslight the poor monkey, as well as the victim.

You are right GDW, the Narcissist seeks out empaths deliberately because they are nice caring people who get sucked in until you realise that something is "off" and you are being used.

Would you say that people who use flying monkeys are often good at persuading people?

I would say that they're manipulative yes. Their "side of the story" is always convincing; usually starts off with only one or two details but, as time goes on, more and more, ever more dramatic incidences are revealed to garner more sympathy and gather allegiances to add to their credibility. Often, the flying monkey isn't aware that they're being used and manipulated and acts as a "go between" in all innocence when actually, they're a victim too.

I have known only one true narcissist. I worked very closely with him for five years and liked him a lot.
However, he was a womaniser writ large and I was his wife’s friend.
He tried to make me his Flying Monkey in Chief.
It didn’t work, and it greatly angered him.
It was a flipping horrendous time!

Surely people that do that have some mental disorder. Think most people would know if they were being used.

Smudgie, to realise you were groomed to be a monkey yourself dont you need a certain degree of self awareness? do you think some people never realise they were groomed to be a flying monkey? Im wondering if the groomer can spot the best people to get as a flying monkey, may be they have certain traits that they recognise?

Doodledog thats interesting, I agree, people tend to believe the story and will naturally want to help. Would you say that people who use flying monkeys are often good at persuading people? Thats what I have found. Some people are better at persuading than others and I dont know why and how they learn this art.

Brilliant summing up Doodledog, perfectly described.

A good description Doodledog, thank you. Flying Monkeys are associated with Narcissists and once you know what to look for you suddenly realise you were groomed to be a monkey yourself. With this knowledge plus a greater understanding of how NPD works you can spot them a mile off !

Wizard of Oz.

The monkeys and the green witch.

no idea of the origin, sounds american, but yes i have heard it, in relation to narcissistic behaviour or personality type.
come to think of it, mostly watching youtube videos by american psychologists etc.
some are v good, esp dr les carter, he is warm and compassionate with good moral values.
he finds a way to give encouragement, positive tips.
another monkey reference is to side step being drawn into some dispute by simply saying,
not my monkeys, not my circus.
i like that. some american phrases get to the point neatly, without the english overly-polite confusing waffle.

Thanks Fanny. It makes sense now.

It is a term used mostly in discussions of people with personality disorders, and refers to people in their lives who either believe their version of events or are somehow in their thrall. They then, knowingly or unwittingly, act on behalf of the disordered person by spreading gossip or ‘doing down’ their victims.

Genuinely disordered people aren’t as thick on the ground as many think they are, but even so, most of us will probably have been in the orbit of some of them at some point. I have known two narcissists, and probably was a flying monkey at one time. They can be very convincing in their victimhood and when someone who you see as a friend (or sibling, lover. colleague or whatever) tells you something you tend to believe their version of events and try to help them out. It’s not until much later (if ever) that you realise what was going on - usually after you have become a victim yourself.