This might be a long message, I need some perspective on this, but it's a situation born decades ago. My ex husband died some 21 months ago at the age of 72 during lock down. He had alcohol related dementia and was a heavy smoker. He was estranged from our daughter, who had to shut him out of her life for years, for the good of her mental health. Our son then took up the responsibly of looking after him, even though he lives abroad. His sister had had enough and couldn't forgive the stuff that had happened, our son however has a sense of duty.
The funeral was during lock down, which started an even bigger rift between my son and his sister, because the man didn't have a will and with the restrictions of lockdown meant the funeral arrangements were causing discontent between the two of them, they managed to agree on a cremation, but as to who should be notified was the problem, she thought practicality should be attended to first, rather than telling their fathers family, who had never bothered to keep in touch with him. Her brother on the other hand had more sentimental thoughts. My daughter had decided not to be angry, went along with the suggestions made by her brother against her better judgement. Lockdown rules meant she had to leave her children with her partner, so he was unable to be there to support her, her brother has no children so was able to attend with his partner. Since then she has hardly been in touch with her brother. My son retuned to his life abroad and has been home numerous times since then. However, he was not able to take home the ashes and asked me if I would keep them safe. They have been with me since Jan 2021
He told his sister where he thought it would be nice to scatter the ashes, she totally disagreed, they had harsh words(again).
In the meantime, my extremely patient understanding husband agreed to store the ashes here, at our home, whilst someone plucked up the courage to talk about what to do.
This summer he'd had enough, he'd had several conversations with my son, who didn't know what to do for the best, so my husband agreed to have the conversation with my daughter. This happened and went rather better than anyone had hoped for. She suggested the ashes were split and then she could do what she wanted with her share and let her brother sort his share. I had spoken to my son about this several months before that that might be a responsible thing to do, I don't recall him disagreeing . Seems I was wrong.
Told him on a video call I had taken half of the ashes to his sisters on a recent visit, and I was unable to tell him due to his work, his anger and rage were staggering to say the least, and he cut the call. I then had a message from him telling me I had over stepped a line, I had no right to do that without discussing it with him first. That I as the ex wife, and his step father, had no right to give his estranged sister half of the ashes. He was not going to discuss or debate the matter. He is expecting me, no, demanding that I go and get the ashes back from his sister!!!
I divorced their father in 1993, spent some very hard 7 years by myself with the two of them, sent them both off to Uni with little help from their father, and now I'm the whipping boy!!
So, Gransnetters, what would you do? Appease my son and act upon his demands?, or leave my daughter to her happy place just now, after struggling since she was 16 to find it, due to the horrible home live we had because of the man who treated us all with contempt.
Quite frankly, the rage my son displayed on that video call was frightening and brought back some very unpleasant memories for me.
To think that London, or anywhere else for that matter, does not belong to any one demographic
