Was your husband 'badly brought up'?

My father was one of the older children in a family of 11 and from a young age had his share of domestic chores. He was in charge of cooking Sunday breakfast and shoe cleaning.

As a husband he was an exemplar. I cannot remember him ever sitting down and relaxing if my mother was undertaking any household chores. If she was doing any job he would be beside her helping. When my youngest sister was born in 1950, I can remember him pushing prams, changing nappies. He was the 'new man' about 50 years before anyone else thought about it.

DH was an only child in a household where his mother was the main wage earner and his father helped around the house. We have always had a very traditional division of roles because DH is an engineer to the tips of his fingers and is alway mending and fixing and doing things. We have the house we have because of his skill at putting his hand to almost anything from rewiring a house, to fitting kitchens. I am cack handed, but I am a good organiser and as DH's work took him away from home a lot and often at short notice, having someone at home well organised and running the family business, so to speak, was essential, especially once we had children.

We are now both heading for 80. DH is still working, part time and still busy doing things round the house, including most of the electrical work when we had an extension built last year. He also did the guttering and laid wood block flooring. And I quite happily keep the rest of the family business running.

My DH of over 50 years did nothing when we first married in the house though I worked too . When I was a SAHM I did all the work in the house including cooking and when I returned to work part time he expected this to continue. I had to put my foot down there . Now long retired we share all the work . I am impressed by what my DS does at home . He would work away from home all week and come home and do his own washing and ironing .
I have a friend whose grandfather boasted that he had never set foot in his kitchen .

Oh has always done his share of household duties and looking after our DD but I have also done my share too. It's a partnership, he sometimes irons my stuff as well as his and vv. He does the washing, makes bread and cakes and tbh will just pick up any job that needs doing and always has. Years ago we were digging out a pond in the garden and I was barrowing stuff onto a skip until it just got too heavy. I came home to a present, a lightweight wheel barrow! We're doing more heavy work in the garden and today took it in turns to shovel topsoil into a trailer. I've also worked, we share everything, that's just how it is.

i am sorry but i would have got him to changed a long time ago, you have let it go on too long, as my old granny would have said..you've made a rod for your ain back... my husband was almost 40 when we got together, i was 24, he worked during the week and i worked at the weekend, he ironed all his own shirts, did the housework at the weekend, would even bake scones and pies. he probably won't change now but maybe get him to do some small things or tell him they won't get done then.

It was lovely to read, Richmond.

ExDancer I misunderstood your original post and then wandered off down a meandering lane. I'm sorry if I detracted from the original point you made.

I have to keep reminding my husband we both work so both of us need to share the chores. He does his share but needs reminding!

I must have been your colleague AGA. I didn’t recognise you!?

My colleague had a DH who would wait till she got home (We worked till 7pm) and ask when his dinner would be ready.
My DH was brought up by my MiL and my meal was on the table when I was home late.

I think we’ve evolved through different stages.
We started out in our first rented house with neither of us being very interested in anything beyond running around with the vacuum, and squirting a drop of bleach down the loo.

Then the babies came along , and I stayed at home with the first one, so did most things, since then we have both always worked and still do, and we share things .

I cook Monday to Thursday, he does the weekend, I do all of the washing and ironing, he does outside stuff, we have a cleaner, and someone comes in to cut the lawns., but when we retire will be happy to do it all ourselves.

I’d love for his mum to pop back and see him cooking a delicious meal, or scrubbing a loo

My MiL used to stir my DH's tea as she handed him his cup. He was the only child of elderly parents who were grateful to have him. Everything was geared to him succeeding in life by making domestic life easy, which he did and thus earned his "pass" from chores etc..
At 83 he now does a bit. Irons his own clothes - some gardening but would much rather see or pay someone else to do it. Fair enough at his age with a bad back.
A cup of tea? I can honestly say he has made me about 20 cups in 60 years of marriage. If he handed me one now, I would be suspicious.

When I was a full time mum and my husband went out to work I did almost all the housework and childcare during the day and my husband took over with the children the moment they climbed all over him as he came in the front door.
When he retired early we split the housework and ferrying the children around between us.
My now OH does his fair share of the housework including cooking, and even sewing with the emphasis on heavier work. e.g. he tends to do the vacuuming, grass cutting and hedges but I sometimes do those chores too.
Any woman who “waits” on her partner because he expects it is crazy. It should be a 50/50 relationship. When did you last get your breakfast served to you in bed ExDancer?

Sorry Op, I take it all back. I've just seen your latest post.

We're almost 20 years younger than the OP and I think that makes a difference. MrA was very spoilt by his mother, who didn't think men ought to do housework, and had to be trained by me when we were much younger. (My brothers were also brought up with a doting mother who did everything for them.) We both worked, and had a family, and fortunately MrA wasn't too set in his ways. It took a while to get him confident in doing things without thinking about it too much and he still shops, cooks, does his own ironing, vacuums, cleans windows and mirrors, changes beds and various other things.

ExDancer

Well I'm pleased for all those of you who have such wonderful husbands.
My post was intended as a tongue in cheek ponder about the inbred sense of entitlement that some male offspring used to be taught. It amused me to see the shocked expression on DH's face when he was first expected to take out the rubbish and perform such menial tasks around the house. And I marvelled that he had such a true sense of his own importance. It wasn't meant to be a whinge.
I wondered if there were many such men left.
Not many it seems.
But as one poster has already suggested - why not start your own thread where you can praise your well-trained husbands to the skies and back?
I'm not grumbling (as he's turned out OK after 'training)

I think we all misunderstood what you meant you should have made it clearer. If we admit it we all had to do some training, luckily I have one who saw what his mother did to his father and subsequent husband .
Mine was very rarely around when the children were little work came before everything it had to. So the house was run on my lines.
You can't really grumble if you ask an ambiguous question and then get answers you don't want or like.
I didn't want to post about my DH's halo it's a bit tarnished I just answered your question the way it read.

Greyduster - I too have a photo of my husband washing up!
It was just after baby 2 was born. He was chatting to our 3 year old as he washed up and then he spotted me with a camera in my hand. I thought he hadn't noticed me so I called his name and clicked the shutter.
He spun towards me holding a carrot on his nose!
It's a treasured photo. Totally silly and of little importance really but speaking to me of happy times.

Sorry - I know this is off-thread.

Jackiest

Opps yes I never read the criteria so my posts will not be appreciated. I did not train my husband he came that way.

This is how I feel.
Frankly I wouldn't know where to begin "training"

MrOops was well brought up but I’m afraid I’ve ruined him!

He worked away from home for 2 years when I had the children when they were very small, then got work that had very long hours so I ended up doing everything, even when I worked I still did it all.

My fault, he is so messy nowadays it’s quicker and easier to do it all myself.

He is appreciative though and it’s been over 54 years so I don’t think anything will change. He calls me a control freak!

My husband is really good all rounder. In the house, does a lot of the heavy duty cleaning bathrooms, I'm a bit useless at all that , no elbow grease apparently We share the ironing, he does his, I do mine plus the bed linen, I do all the cooking, I do try to clean as I go but he'll never let me do all that after the meal is finished, he cleans any debris and loads the dishwasher. I do all the grocery shopping, he does household maintenance stuff and looks after my car as well as his., gardening etc. As good as he is, I would point out that when I was a sahm and afterwards when I went back to work part time, I did all the housework, ironing, cooking and shopping. He's been hands on since he retired, but he's on the cusp of getting a cleaner now enough is enough He hired our last one before we moved and brilliant she was too, I do miss her.

His dad, well he did a lot in the kitchen once he retired, produced the Sunday lunch, he belonged to the boil it to buggery school of cooking slightly old fashioned mode of cooking everything rather too thoroughly. My father was a lazy git quite honestly and left too much to my mother to do, in spite of the fact that she went back to work full time once we were halfway through junior school. F-in-law presided over family gatherings usually spouting endless xenophobic drivel. Sometimes in retrospect I think for all his faults I preferred my own father conversation wise at least, he was far more enlightened. My husband is very kind and empathetic around women, his mother went through a hellish menopause and was very unhappy at one time. Before he left home he was her confidante when her husband couldn't be bothered with what he considered "attention seeking women problems", when he wasn't working he had his own business at which he worked long hours, he was on the golf course. My husband was close to both of them in different ways he credits his mum with pushing him to pass the 11+ and get into a really good grammar school. On balance I think he was well brought up, it was a different upbringing to mine his had no outside foreign influences when he was growing up. My family were far more cosmopolitan than his and not as rooted in that traditional English mindset that was more prevalent in the '50s and '60s, on the downside mine were strict catholics and I had too much in the way of religion pumped into me in childhood.

Paddyann your DIL sounds very like my son's ex, mother of his children, he'd come home after a long days work and have to deal with pretty much what you have outlined. Yes I too thought it was ridiculous and very unfair way to behave. I'm afraid to say their relationship didn't last. As you say if you love someone empathy as to how tired they might be after a long day at work is the least you can ask from a partner. Sometimes, and in her (ex's) case I think I'd put some of that down to a lack of maturity and a cocktail of , power struggles, petulance and being somewhat overwhelmed by the reality of adult responsibilities not being quite what was anticipated.

My husband's mum died when he was 8 and he was sent away to board. In the holidays he was sent to various relatives. He has a lack of basics like how to cook anything and lives on ready meals and keeps nothing in his fridge. He shouted at my dil last week when she washed up in his kitchen. Apparently he likes to rinse the plates and let them pile up for a few days before a wash.

His mum had to work to support him and his brothers, they learned to do a lot for themselves and for her. He's a wonderful husband and does what needs doing without an ask. I've not worked away from home, he had long hours and I considered the house and our children my work.

Now that he's retired he cooks and helps even more, doesn't do laundry well nor dishwasher loading - and I still don't do well in the garden or with the cars. It's fair and we adore each other - neither have complaints in our 61 yr marriage.

Our sil are much the same.

I brought my son up to know how to cook, look after himself, how to work a washing machine. At the age of 19 he could do a roast dinner with all the trimmings.

I had heard somewhere that a large proportion of younger women starting divorce proceedings were doing so because their husbands would not do housework, the wife might be working, and she viewed her husband as an extra kid she had to clean up after.

My son has been happily married for 19 years to his wife and they have a houseful of children.

ExDancer, you could be writing about my ex to be honest. He was just like his Dad, both were rank bone idle at home and expected everyone to do his bidding all day, every day!

My ex wouldn't even make a cup of tea for himself let alone anyone else and woe betide me if I wasn't at home when he came back from work. Hence, he's now my EX!

BlueBelle

My EX husband had a father who was obeyed !! Mum worked full time as a nursing sister and brought 7 kids up
The girls (notice the girls) used to have to take his shoes off when he sat down after work and then bring his dinner in on a tray
Consequently my husband knew no other way than to expect a ‘housewife’ while he went out to play it lasted 12 years….they were long years and wouldn’t have lasted 2 if I hadn’t have loved the man so much

Aww that last sentence bade ne sad ! Hope you're both happy now . What a shame he was so spoiled for both of you .

What an interesting thread!