I like my own space…

We both worked most of our married lives, and found the transition to retirement hard.

Most people do find it difficult to be with their spouse all the time.

The solution we worked out was to be honest about needing to do things on our own, then making it happen.

DH potters in his workshop and I volunteer at the local museum.

DH rides his bike either to do shopping, or just for the ride most days of the week. I ride mine usually to get from A to B. Sometimes we take a ride together either just for the ride's sake or in order to go somewhere specific.

I have my own office-cum- sewing-room, where I am right now, DH is downstairs in the sitting-room on his beloved sofa watching Netflix (all right by me, as he has pneumonia right now, fortunately not too badly and it is responding to penicillian.)

Sometimes we start a project together - anything from re-arranging his workshop to make it more practicable, and believe me, if I hadn't volunteered to help, it wouldn't be finished this side of Doomsday,to making Nativity scenes, cutting hedges (of which we have far too many for two people who hate gardening, but can't stand a totally overgrown garden either.)

So sit your DH down and discuss this frankly. Perhaps he dreams of building a model railway like my DH does? He has the trains, and tracks, just needs to work out where to put them! Or does he want to travel to Timbuctoo and back before he gets too old to do it?

Married for better or worse does not mean that we have to spend all day and every day sitting in each other's pockets!

Grannybags

My Mum complained she had "Twice the man and half the money" when my Dad retired!

???

I'm disabled and use a mobility scooter outside and a walker in the house. My partner, 10 years younger, likes being at home with me and taking me out in the car. He works 3 days a week when I just gently potter around. This suits us both.

Cp43

Yes its a massive problem! Mine has taken over ALL cooking and tbe shopping and i hear him on the phone to his mates etc implying he has to do it - which is hurtful and wrong. When we go shopping i trail behind with the trolly if i dint he gets narky.
Sometimes its nice we go out by and about, just have to get used to it.
Equally difficult for them not having work camaraderie.

Cp43, I would have great difficulty in biting my tongue if I heard my OH telling his mates on the phone that he HAS to do the cooking and shopping! And I wouldn't waste time in putting said mates in the picture either!
The shopping trolley would end up where the sun don't shine too!

My H couldn’t face retirement couldn’t accept getting old,so in lockdown started a online relationship with a much younger woman in Brazil off he went to meet her as soon as he was able to he didn’t tell me about her he used the mental health needs to get away excuse after 35 years together it left me in pieces,he has just got engaged to girlfriend no3 he is 71 she is 31 however I got myself a puppy who has been my saviour it’s just me & him now and I’m enjoying every minute of it my H didn’t deserve my love & loyalty but my puppy gives me unconditional love

I've had my own space since 1977. It's organised how I like it and I lead a busy, happy life. But what I wouldn't give for a "someone special" to come through the door, give me a hug and ask how my day has been.

Blondiescot

notgran

Some of these comments sound like they have been posted by Hyacinth Bucket, in the TV series "Keeping up Appearances" Try to remember ladies, it is his home also and he has probably contributed more financially than you to obtain it. I seriously would be concerned about my relationship if you are worried about spending more time with him, when he finally retires. If it's any consolation he will probably die before you so you will have your own space back again. Harsh, I realise but true.

Wow, just wow! It's not often I'm rendered speechless by comments on here, but I have no words for this...

I've been reading these comments with interest. As, hopefully, one of the last generation of women who have done absolutely everything - work, housework childcare - I believe we're absolutely entitled to seelk a bit of calm away from the husband. Everyone talks about the 'man cave' but what about the 'woman cave'? I've always done all the cleaning, all the washing, all the cooking, most of the childcare, paid 50/50 for all the household bills - and 100% of the household bills after my husband was made redundant in 2009 and never worked again. I love my husband, but without my 'replenish time' I simply couldn't have coped.

I seemed to see less of DH once he retired. His hobbies became almost full time occupations. We had a google calendar to keep track in case I wanted to arrange something for us both. Encourage your DH to seek out hobbies (Mens Shed is also for just chatting having a cuppa) clubs, walking groups. As it is recent you both need time to get used to one another being around a lot more.

I really don’t think it is selfish to want some time on your own or to yourself. We were lucky perhaps - our first house was bought with an inheritance from my aunt. We both had full time professional jobs - earning the same amount of money - we both have good pensions- we have plenty of space but do have 3 children and six grandchildren who come over now and again. We are both glad to be able to ‘get away from each other’ - as we have the room. This is not in a selfish way - we have some of the same interests and some different. We both have some of the same friends and some different. We split up household and garden jobs fairly and do what suits us. I know we both appreciate time with our own interests but also time together - I couldn’t do without my own space and neither could he.

I used to know a woman whose husband was in total control. He told her one day to spring clean the house as it was going on the market and the agent was coming next day! I must have looked appalled but she said she didn’t mind at all as her childhood had been brutal and he made her feel secure and safe. You truly don’t know what goes on in other peoples lives.

@notgran I suspect you missed the memo about the unpaid work women do over decades, historically enabling men to do less and therefore earn more. To imply they men therefore have some kind of greater claim of ownership is both short sighted and quite stupid.

We’ve always shared the housework and cooking but with Covid etc then me being seriously ill at the he end of last year, he’s taken over completely. We’ve had a few words recently and he’s trying to step back a little but I don’t know how long it will last!
We need another talk but it will have to wait as we have builders and decoraters in for
the next month or so.

Not the retirement I envisaged but at least I’ve lived to tell the tale thanks to the NHS!

I think time apart is essential to enjoying the time you spend together. We both have separate interests we enjoy (him archeology and various committees (me art and volunteering) and shared ones (table tennis and walking) as well as spending time with family and holidays.

Better than an aching void !!

Wanting or needing time and space on your own is not selfish and doesn't mean you love your partner any less. I mean I loved my children, but I did sigh with relief when they finally went to bed in the evening.
I have my own little studio/craft room in the downstairs of a separate cottage attached to the house and I loved going in shutting the door, lighting the fire, putting my classical music on and getting lost in a project. During the pandemic DH decided to convert the upstairs of the cottage to a den for himself, complete with his electric guitar and amplifiers. It's a sort of mezzanine quite open to the downstairs. I now feel that I have lost the space that was just mine and no longer go in there very much. DH doesn't see what the problem is and I find it's quite difficult to explain, even to myself.

One of the things that I think is worth while is to have a think about the routine household jobs and look at how you might share them in whatever way works well for you both. As you will both be at home now this seems fairer , rather than assuming you continue to do all the things. Then you should both have some free time and can choose to spend some of this time doing your own thing. I think meals are particularly an area you need to consider, as you may have previously done all the cooking for an evening meal or just had a quick snack at lunchtime and now there are two of you to think of, so sharing in whatever way suits , either you each prepare and sort out a meal or if you prefer to still cook he does preparation and washes up. Whatever you work out between yourselves but this new stage in your lives should be recognised and looked at not just an assumption that you continue as in times past. I think it is much better to talk about the changes ahead of time rather than just getting really annoyed if you are taken for granted etc. I dont know if it is possible for you to have a few days away following his retirement both as a little celebration and also marking the change of circumstances, which might help to recognise this. I hope all goes well and definitely keep in touch with friends and interests that you have now

Tuskanini

All this discussion on how to, subtly or otherwise, make a retired man aware that he isn't welcome in his own home makes me very sad. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Exactly. Couldn't agree more.

Yes I struggled with my husband being around all the time initially. But he plays bowls 3/4 times a week / I work still 2 days ( from home ) . So it has panned out - also he does the shopping which I hate / so not too bad now

Notgran I agree (although personally contributed 50:50 to the home).
I’m delighted my husband has finally retired and can enjoy the house and garden. He’s got stage 4 cancer so our time together is limited and I love hearing him pottering around the house, or seeing him enjoying an afternoon film, and having him around for all those inconsequential moments that make my life so happy. Be careful what you wish for. Adapt, to your next life stage and long may it last for everyone!

Hubby retired in July and at the end of this month I'm going to join him. I realise it'll be difficult at first but I'm actually looking forward to spending more time with him. My interests are in the home, reading/knitting etc His are the garden and the dog. We both enjoy walking and holidays, so hopefully we'll be ok.

Oh my Cp43 - how did that happen? I think you need to sit down with him and have a word! I just could not stand that!

I had a neighbour who husband used to do the shopping on the Saturday morning, and she then had to cook for the week with what he had decided to buy. Wednesday was steak night- for him of course, her and kids had sausages! But that was in the 70s! (and even then I just could not believe that was possible).

Yes its a massive problem! Mine has taken over ALL cooking and tbe shopping and i hear him on the phone to his mates etc implying he has to do it - which is hurtful and wrong. When we go shopping i trail behind with the trolly if i dint he gets narky.
Sometimes its nice we go out by and about, just have to get used to it.
Equally difficult for them not having work camaraderie.

Fortunately we have a big enough house to spread out! We built a sunroom on this year which I could live in. It is so bright and warm and I only allow books, jigsaws, radio in. No tv! My husband has his office where he works on his photography and we meet up for cups of tea etc.

I love my own space but I have a friend who lost her husband very suddenly last year and is still devastated, so I remember this when mine gets a bit irritating and try not to waste any of the good time we have left together. It won’t always be this good!

We have our own rooms for study and hobbies, etc., and our house is large enough that we don't get under each others' feet. Of course, it costs more to heat when you use more space but we've never regretted upsizing but we had to pay for it from our earnings - no inheritance freebies here!