Post natal depression after 36 years

You wouldn't feel guilty if you had a broken leg all these years later. Don't give yourself a hard time

Yes Josiebear. Not at a personal level - I was spared the horror of PND. But as a Health Visitor I saw it, helped treat it, and yes, sometimes with nans and colleagues who found themselves reliving it all.
I often think that traumatic and difficult events cycle back in our lives, triggered sometimes by certain situations or memories. This may be what is happening to you.

Sometimes, when mums expressed fears about what their 'dark thoughts' might do to their baby, I would ask "how would you treat your baby differently if you didn't have PND?". True, a very small number are a risk of some kind to their baby; but most, even quite bad cases, still care for and love their babies, and the babies thrive. Most babies are not brought up in perfect families!

If you have a daughter who loves you and is 'an amazing mum' then you did a much better job than you thought!

I don't know whether sharing on here, or with your husband might help - I would not suggest sharing with your daughter. If not, it might be time for some gentle therapy to help you see past this darkness. I hope that you can.

You're not barmy, but please don't be so hard on yourself. You did nothing to deserve having PND - it can strike anyone, and can be horrendous. I nearly lost my grandson partly because of PND - his mum did have longstanding mental health issues dating back years before she had him though - and a family friend was committed to a psychiatric institution for many months with severe PND. I can understand why you say you still feel guilty, but it wasn't your fault. Even after all these years, it may well be worth seeking therapy or counselling, which you probably should have had at the time. I wish you well.

Josiebear PND happens, and you are no more responsible than I am. You were abroad with a tiny baby and little family support and coped with it.
You have a wonderful daughter who is a super mum to your three grandchildren. Please don’t beat yourself up fir something you could not have done anything about. You are ok, you did well.

I was unable to give birth naturally and one friend asked me if I felt a failure? I also did not breast feed as I had to go back to work one month later. OK this was all 40 years ago, but it did still lies in the background. My daughter has turned into the most wonderful adult of whom I am very proud. She is happy, healthy, focussed. With the few years I have left I have chosen to enjoy her company as my lovely friend and live my best life.

Try and get some therapy to help come to terms with whatever's making you cry and feel guilty. None of it is your fault and talking about being willing to die on that hill of guilt does seem self-indulgent if there are ways out of the fixation. All the best

I understand completely Josiebear. I developed PND after my son’s birth and had those dark thoughts, plans for doing away with myself and, at the same time, him, thinking this was for the best. Fortunately my mother recognised the signs and hauled me off to the doctor. Anti-depressants brought me back to normality but the depression never went away, so I take the pills to this day to keep the black dog away, which they do pretty successfully most of the time. I’m 71 now. I love my child dearly and would give my life for him, but it seems that depression is the price I have paid. A small price. Don’t beat yourself up for having had an illness you couldn’t have prevented, or for having had thoughts that you would never have entertained if you were well. It may be that you need some help to forgive yourself, though you have nothing to feel guilty about. Maybe a chat with your doctor would help. I wish you happiness and contentment. ?

LRavenscroft. My experiences exactly. I’m glad you have found peace. ?

My DD1 is 13, it's absolutely not barmy.
I still feel and know her birth was traumatic. It's not something that goes away. Please speak to your GP, you'll get the help you need.

LRavenscroft

I was unable to give birth naturally and one friend asked me if I felt a failure? I also did not breast feed as I had to go back to work one month later. OK this was all 40 years ago, but it did still lies in the background. My daughter has turned into the most wonderful adult of whom I am very proud. She is happy, healthy, focussed. With the few years I have left I have chosen to enjoy her company as my lovely friend and live my best life.

I was asked at the time if I felt like a failure because of my C sections by friends and relations!!!! Luckily the Consultant had already prepared me to expect it and I just said no it's like Christmas.
Don't feel inadequate if you had broken a leg would you have said no to plaster and walked with a limp for the rest of your life?
I'm just glad all three of us are here and healthy.
My MIL who never thought before opening her mouth said that if Darwin's theory was correct I should not be alive to pass bad genes on. We all laughed when I said and "You wouldn't be here to see us".She had had a C-section herself when having BIL and had forgotten.
I was also made to sit in the other room from the men when breastfeeding, I eventually found out she had inverted nipples and had not been able to breastfeed herself so was getting at me for her own guilt trip.

Presumably you had a c section as there was a problem with a normal delivery, that was the best thing for you and the child. What a cruel thing to say to you, they had the probkem not you. Back then many chose not to breast feed, so what, you were not giving bottles of sweetened tea. Loads of people choose not to breast feed and babies thrive. I defy anyone to tell whether a child was breast or bottle fed. You have a daughter to be proud of, I had a natural delivery and breast fed and my daughter has estranged me.

C section or not , breast feeding or not , biological mother or not - Does it matter , No of course not !! PND is something I was fortunate to escape with my three pregnancies, Josiebear, I feel for you - your illness was not your fault . Even though it was a long time ago please see your GP. Congratulations on raising a lovely daughter - enjoy those wonderful GC. Good luck !

Have you ever talked to anyone about this?
Your daughter loves you quite clearly.
It might be a help to talk to someone to explore if there was anything from your own childhood that is holding you into these feelings.
A very misguided comment from your friend (who knows, maybe her projection to you was a cry for help about something she was going through herself) so sorry this hurt so deeply.
Please congratulate yourself for being a wonderful mum and role model.