Relationship ended. Step daughter hates me

Commenting on your facial features in a negative way is a red flag.

My ex did this until he made me feel ugly. He also made sure to do it in front of our kids every time he visited them. Men like these can't add anything to you. They will always take from you, until they have brought you down as low as they feel.

I would not be answering her calls 45 minutes later, phone would be on silent. My children would come first as yours are. I would not take any criticism about what he perceives wrong with me, just tell him to find someone else. Don’t let anyone put you down to make them feel better. You can do better on your own.

I would walk away Bird40 reading through all your posts you sound absolutely lovely caring etc, I’m not sure he’s that nice actually depressed or not, making unkind comment about your microbladed eyebrows, you have done your best regarding this daughter of his, he sounds a weak man to me regarding his daughter, and I don’t feel things are going to improve with her, major issues here, I’d concentrate on your lovely children, I think you deserve more

Good luck for the future Bird40.

I was on my own with my kids for a while after an abusive relationship. I got involved with one man and quickly realised he was controlling- so I ended it.

I decided early on not to go for any one with kids. I know it's selfish of me, but I wanted a good stepdad for my kids because their dad is abusive. I met a man who had no kids but who was an uncle and loved kids. We had hoped to have a child together, but we later found that he had a genetic condition that's serious and could have been passed on. He's especially close to my youngest. I hope you meet someone nice and maybe who doesn't have kids at all so you can always come number one.

Good luck and best wishes for the future Bird40

Thanks everyone. I always have spent the majority of the time with my own children, alone so as not to cause issues to any of the children, haven't forced 'blended family'time on any of them and have only ever provided nice comments or brief interactions/ simple gifts at Christmas etc for his kids.
My children are really lovely and deserve a mum that's focussed on them which they get, although admittedly they must have noticed when I was unhappy and a bit distracted.

My relationship was, I thought, the icing on the cake of a fairly full life.
Looking back, the only thing I would have done differently was to make it clear from several weeks in, that the time I spend with my partner is and should have been a completely normal, adult choice, not to be messed with by teenage children.
Boundaries
If I met another person and was even thinking about a relationship, I would be watching family Interactions very closely as it doesn't change x

your children may remember you as giving your time and attention to these people during these years rather than to them.
you seem to want to rescue people. unhealthy.
beware.
value and give attention to your own children while you still can.

Sorry. Now he's out of a job for A YEAR. Run, do not walk. I don't think I've heard you say one thing that has made me think there was any future here. I have dealt with a stepdaughter like that. Men sometimes have a hard time drawing a line with the child when there's been a divorce, especially when the mother has problems like those you describe. However, after a lot of effort trying to make things work out, my DH told her basically that we were finished. Mind you, she is in her 50s and still was trying to cause problems for us. We never allowed that to happen, but that's not to say there weren't some tough times. We have had to dismiss her from our lives because she has a lot of problems. She goes from being very nice to being very poisonous. I'm not sure your boyfriend has the intestinal fortitude to make this turn out right and, frankly, if he is deteriorating and he already has a problem he cannot manage, why do you want him? Your children will remember this and an awful lot hinges on how much you are there for them. I wish you a wise decision and good luck.

BlueBelle

But you also haven’t read the thread much onward the decisions been made she’s not going on with the love affair

I admitted that on my post at Wed 28-Dec-22 14:11:26 Bluebelle when I said Well done, time makes all things clear, or something.

But you also haven’t read the thread much onward the decisions been made she’s not going on with the love affair

You haven’t done anything wrong and I think right to step back. You are never going to win with this horrible teenager. She will grow up and leave home one day, hopefully soon. Maybe you can hide your time until then, there’s no rush, you have plenty of time. The worst thing would be to find yourself in such a dreadful situation further down the line that you had to get out of. Keep your own space for your own sanity and life will find a way. Good luck.

Oops.

I hadn't read properly. The eyebrows are a huge red flag. I was with an (abusive) man who constantly attacked my appearance (and actually continued to do so when we weren't even a couple anymore)

The daughter's problems have come from somewhere. Maybe not all the Mother. Love is blind. So glad you didn't use your money to build an extention and tie your finances in that way. Time makes all things clear, doesn't it. Well done.

I'm so sorry.

My thoughts: I actually wouldn't want this girl near my own kids. Ever. I wouldn't want to see her at all.

Try to negotiate alone time with him. You both love each other. The daughter is a problem and will probably always be a problem. You can't fix her. Showing her love, attention and kindness won't fix her. With the best intentions in the world, you cannot fix her.

I'd try to save the relationship, to have less time with him- but without her.

If he is saying your eyebrows look like caterpillars sorry OP but he sounds mean. He is depressed and has a controlling daughter that is putting a wedge between you deliberately but won’t put boundaries down is not a catch!!
You could bend over backwards, be the most ravishing Woman about and also be the best MH professional and help his daughter but they will still be toxic and it’s not possible to polish a turd into a diamond.
You have a lovely family yourself so choose happiness and leave this miserable man to fester before he and his daughter affect the happiness of you and your children.

Bird40

He is 1ovely with my kids. Kind, thoughtful, fair and helpful. Can't fault how he is with them x

That’s a positive for him then Bird40. Perhaps he needs some counselling or see the doctor for his depression which is why he isn’t looking after his personal hygiene. Only he can take this step however and if he wants a proper relationship with you he needs to get himself sorted. Until then you are right to step back as heartbreaking as it may be.

It's such a sad story for everyone. You've met a good man who you love and this is priceless. He has done his best for his daughter. His daughter is currently too young to recognise this.
He loves you too.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish I could say something more comforting.

He is 1ovely with my kids. Kind, thoughtful, fair and helpful. Can't fault how he is with them x

Can I ask how he treats your kids? There doesn’t seem to have been much focus on them but say things were to turn around and you and your kids moved in with him would that work? If not you have your answer. Also some people devote themselves to lost causes - I had a friend like that but fortunately she finally met a man who thought of her rather than his own needs.

Sorry I meant to say that I did used to feel entirely responsible for his daughters unhappiness but this was going on long before I arrived although I'm sure even mr being in the background would have an Impact on her.
I meant to say that my focus has to be my own children x

I absolutely feel gutted for him. He has put his all into his daughter, turned down work to stay at home and be available, he now has no friends (through being associated with her) and he doesn't deserve this.
Essentially he is a very sweet man and I honestly thought with time, love and patience that we could have a happy home.
I don't feel responsible for her leaving. My partner and I hardly see eachother as it was and I hadn't had any contact with her bar the one missed call. I don't bad mouth her to anyone so nothing like this would have got back to her...I think her leaving was inevitable. Her mum has a party lifestyle with booze and drugs on tap within a traveller community and she gets to do what she wants. She has stopped going to college and didn't want her dad on her back dropping her there and having phone calls from college when she bunks off. She needs help and support but she didn't want it from me and that's absolutely ok. It has to be her choice.
I thought maybe I could bring a little calm to the chaos by looking after her dad, but he is clearly depressed and in a hole. It's almost 3 years on and I'm not the right one to fix it. I wanted to because I love him.
A while ago I did have access to some money that would have built a significant extension to his house and would have given everyone, including his daughter a new room had she wanted. We didn't do this as thought it was too much change for the kids.
I hope without me there that he can repair the relationship with his daughter. I hope to be wrong but honestly think it will be the same situation in 10 years time.
I'm not a pushy person, quiet, fairly calm and my kids and I have a fun and relaxed home...I can't jeopardise their health on the off chance that my partner decides to put down some boundaries and look after his own health. Thank you all xx
My focus has to he

Girls like this, will soon suss any hole in the corner affair - and that will be even worse. I had/have a daughter like this. She is now nearly 50. She has turned out very well, but we have talked around her childhood and it is quite clear that given half a chance she would have been a delinquent in trouble with the police - and this girl has every reason to be messed up with her maternal experience.

I think it is nature rather than nurture. The genetic dice that randomly forms a person from the genetics of two other unrelated people turns out heroes and mixed up children like this girl.

But her upbringing is not your responsibility, and it is clear she will ruin every relationship her father has until she has established her own independence. Your children's upbringing is you responsibility - and they come first. This current relationship is not going to be good for them either.

Why not just put the relationship on the back burner. See it as a break rather than a final break-up and then see how things go. A year or so from now things may have changed and it may be possible again. If the break is to be final you will have had a chance to get used to the idea.

Well that’s a turn around, in some ways I m pleased for you as you seem to be finding your own strength and worth, but I can’t help feeling sorry for this man who had put his all into his daughter and now lost her
There are no winners in this story and I think you need to go your own way for his sake as much as yours.
The daughter has gone but the relationship between you has not improved before it was you weak and unhappy now it is him
Wherever the fault lies it isn’t going to work as a family or even a couple sometimes things just aren’t able to be there are no winners I m afraid
He was better on his own looking after his daughter and you have plans now for yourself
What a mess Looking in from the outside, you fell madly in love, you tried very hard but it has ruined his relationship with his daughter, ( and I m not excusing his or his daughters behaviour) but now you feel strong enough to walk away, leaving him in shreds Three unhappy people

I hope he recovers and his daughter returns to him and you move on

I hope everyone had a good Christmas.
We actually got back together and a few weeks later (I had no contact with her at all apart from one phonecall wanting to know where her dad was ..you guessed it, 45 mins after we met up)
Anyway, apparently there was no major row, she just basically walked out and is now living with her mum.
My partner didn't tell me for a good few days, was and is devastated. Says he has lost her etc etc.
I encouraged him to speak to her college as they shld know. After police involvement 2 weeks ago (apparently she ran off from her mum's threatening suicide) there is a safeguarding file open so I'm hoping she will get some help. I spoke to the Child and Adolescent mental health services and a social worker phoned me back. They were confidential/discreet but we're clearly aware. I was on the phone about an hour and although I know it may seem disingenuine or even pointless to some ...I needed to know she had back up and that I had tried to access help for her. I have now done that.
Her dad remains depressed and not very communicative. I get little snippets of happiness from him but mostly it's like a slightly sulky teenager. He says he is grieving for his daughter...yet I think she will walk back in whenever she likes.
I don't, at the moment, seem able to break free from him. I still see so much potential and remember how compatible we were to start with.
I am otherwise really busy with university, my own children and also a couple of best friends that I have ☺️ I want to qualify at the end of the year and start my career.
I have also just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that's been knocking me for six so I see the relationship, since just before Christmas, starting to take a backstep. I honestly don't have any more time to invest in the relationship and I can feel it withering unfortunately. I need to have the conversation with my partner but he often won't accept it and then cries saying he may as well be dead. The more I am in this relationship, the more I wonder about where is daughter has learnt all of these manipulation techniques.
I don't need a man...I am actually fairly self sufficient and I think this diagnosis has shaken me a little. Thanks all for you wise words x

@bird40 I was wondering how you are getting on, you've been through a tough time and Christmas may mqke things more emotional.

bird40 I replied earlier but have just seen your post on his job situation and depression....same as my recent situation with SO.

Don't let him take advantage of your kind, giving nature. He's a big boy and doesn't need a mother/you to help sort himself out. A nan hates to be mothered. ...it's in their nature to give to the woman. He is holding on to you as a life raft and when he gets his s**t together, he'll trade you in for someone he can look after. Please don't let him use you in this way....and guard your heart!