Have you forgiven his infidelity?

No offence, but I love myself too much to put up with 'stuff' at my age. For me, it's just not worth the hassle.

Do you still be wondering about someone's fidelity in your 70's? Time to relax and look after yourself .
If he thinks he can get away with it he will.
Let him go. Hard but peace of mind in the end.

You asked us to be kind, and there have been strong words, but they have come out of people's pain here, and they are a mark of us caring for you, trust me Nonogran.

Forgiveness is a 2 way street Nonogran. The 'injured party' forgives and the perpetrator wants to be forgiven. Does he want your forgiveness because he's remorseful or does he want it so he can behave this way again?

I wonder if you believe that you don't deserve better, that this man is marginally better that your ex so he'll do. You do deserve better in a husband so don't marry him.

Keep the relationship as it is if you must have this man in your life and if you do, accept that it's more likely that this will happen again than him changing his ways.

My oh had a holiday affair. We are still together. If I could turn the clock back I wouldn't marry him again, sometimes I wish I'd left him at the time. I'm afraid it's stayed with me, can't forgive.
Good luck to you and please don't marry him.

No way would I marry this man , but if you can put up with the deceit keep up the friendship
If you marry , the next fling will be paid for out of joint funds , will you be happy with this ?

Sometimes it's not a question of 'forgiving', but turning a blind eye to it because the alternative is too bleak...

Manage, not mange...

If you are looking for a loyal and trustworthy partner, this is not him, is it?

On the other hand, if you can 'overlook' his flings and accept him for what he is (a philanderer) with all his faults, then....

I speak from experience, my father was a serial philanderer, my mother knew how to mange the relationship to suit herself. It worked for them.

“If I bring anything up, he shuts me down.”

He does this because you let him get away with doing so. He sets the agenda it seems. That’s convenient for him! He’s running the show because he knows you want the relationship to continue almost (but not quite) at any price. He knows you were heartbroken at the split (you’ll have told him at some stage) but he wasn’t. He was straight out on the dating sites.

Oh give your head a wobble Nonogran! Your heart muscle is stronger than you think. It’ll heal and at least you won’t be bumping into him locally.

"If I bring anything up, he shuts me down. "
He is a liar and a cheat...
..... but its your life....

You wouldn't see me for dust... unacceptable and disrespectful..
He is taking you for a mug!

Nanogran , what on earth are you thinking about!!!!!?????? If you stay with him you must be well aware of what you are getting into. For goodness sake get shut of him , if you enjoy being distrespected and love bring a doormat then stay with him -the choice is yours!!

Nonogran I think you love him more than he loves you. Which is why you won’t give up.

Nonogran - do you really need a husband in your life? It's 2022, the world has changed for women. Companionship can be found elsewhere, anywhere really. Be your own companion! As for Leopard Man, you could still be friends.

Your description of your ex suggests you have a habit of picking out people who will hurt you.

I would get rid of him & get some counselling (seriously, it’s cathartic), to understand why you keep on putting up with terrible treatment from men

I definitely agree that a leopard never changes its spots and continuing this relationship could really affect your self esteem.
Do get out now and don't look back.

I always think a good measure of feelings is to think carefully as to whether you would want to nurse him if he became ill - and whether he would nurse you with the same care. You know the answer.

Yes, I forgave him, after his first affair, only because of the children. But a leopard never changes it’s spots. It happened again and again, and finally, he left me for the last one. They are now married. He was probably looking for the ‘right’ one. ..
All I can say is good riddance ….
We were in our 50s. I have been single since then. Its not all bad. I have the sweetest children and grandchildren and some great friends.
I repeat, a leopard never changes it’s spots, although he is getting on a bit, isn’t he? …if you know what I mean ?

Everything you have said is a total red warning. I realise you are agonising over this and have asked everyone to be kind but take a step back and consider what you might answer someone else asking the same question? Definitely a no from me and I don't understand why you don't see that. Please don't get married and take legal advice.

It was never my plan to be alone going into old age either, and it's still hard sometimes to accept that the one person I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world never to hurt me, would hurt me so badly having affairs. But trust me, being alone is better than living with the constant fear and uncertainty of never knowing whether he's really changed this time. Does he mean it this time? Why is he late home again? You know the scenario.

Please do yourself a massive favour. Love yourself enough to walk away from this relationship. Look at the person looking back at you in the mirror and tell her she doesn't need a cheat and a liar in her life.

It's not easy I know, but just put one foot in front of the other, make your way to the exit and keep walking. You deserve better.

So sorry Nonogran. My Mum forgave my Dad over and over and over - but the final straw came that broke the camel's back.

Get out now whilst you still have your dignity.

I think I was 13 when my Dad collapsed due to a burst duodenal ulcer and was blue lighted into hospital, my Mum didn't drive and had to get a taxi there - only to find another woman already at his bedside. Janet - his latest fling. While my Dad was recovering in hospital, 'Janet's' ex husband then came round to our house to see my Mum to 'warn' my Dad off. Ghastly memories of my poor Mum making this greasy haired creep tea, how dare he come to our family home.

You are worth much more.

Nonogran

Yes he was widowed but there would be people who know him in those long long years!

I think you really need to know him better before you start thinking of marrying and moving in together. and make sure there are NO MORE repeat patterns

I'm worried he lacks empathy to understand why you are upset.

But I recall being in the stage where I was being love bombed and I probably would not have listened to the wise advice being handed out here, but you've come in here knowing the meaning of "love bombing" and therefore why you describe yourself as "lost"to him.

Not good. We need to keep ourselves in love, not lose.

Absolutely don't marry him. You might want to keep a casual relationship going but it would have to be strictly no strings. The fact that you can't talk to your family about him suggests that you know what they would say. Far too many red flags.

RUN!

He is a widower so apart from what he tells me about that relationship I have no yard stick to go on about previous relationships.
As far as doing anything to make amends he has come off social media and cleared off his mobile phone of questionable material. This might have to be ongoing given how far he spread his wings. He gets hostile if I keep asking albeit he’s had given me access to his phone. He seems unable to have an adult conversation about things not be empathetic about my suffering over this. I’ll probably tread water for a bit. We’ve just had a lovely ten days together although he did get a bit touchy at times if I mentioned his philander with the other woman.
My head knows what I should do but my heart is lost. It’s so wretched to be feeling like this.
Thanks to all who’ve shared your opinions. It is helpful.

I'd end the relationship.
I think if you're truly meant to be together you will both find a way to live together.
I don't see how any good can come from living separately. You're basically free agents.
I understand some may not agree.
My ex has a relationship where they both live in separate houses and have lots of personal space from each other.
But we often see him out and about with other women!
I dont think his main girlfriend knows that he sees other women as she lives in a different town?
I've heard he's on dating sites as well.