Have you forgiven his infidelity?

Forsythia

Even if he has cleared his mobile phone and given you access to it, he could easily have another one that he uses for his internet activities. How would you know? He isn’t to be trusted.

This is so true. My ex husband bought a pay-as-you-go phone while I was at work and used that instead of his regular mobile.

Your "beloved" seems like a charming person, dependent to some extent on you, who is keeping his options open. So can you do the same? I don't mean online dating, but starting to spend quality time with the odd friend or family member, or take opportunities to make a couple of new friends, male or female in your area, so that you're not as dependent on him for company and eventually you might not feel as dependent on him emotionally. Then, with a clearer head, you can work out whether you actually do want to marry him next year., bearing in mind you already know he's not to be trusted. From everything you've said, I think you deserve better.

I wish I'd had all this advice from the grans when I was at my crossroads!

Even if he has cleared his mobile phone and given you access to it, he could easily have another one that he uses for his internet activities. How would you know? He isn’t to be trusted.

Farzanah Sorry but I don’t think couple counselling is a good idea at all some men ( maybe women but my experience is with men) have a fantastic way of being seen to engage and agree with the counsellor then carry on just as before …. believe me
Counselling for you to build your self esteem and confidence yes but couple counselling NO

I feel so sad for you Nonogran as you say you had a difficult marriage and then finding someone you love and thought you could happily spend your life with, but who has let you down and hasn’t lived up to your expectations.

Just willing a relationship to work doesn’t unfortunately make it so if a partner is not as committed as you. What is striking is that there were apparently issues that caused you to break with him, prior to any infidelity.

As others have said, before making a commitment which you may regret it would be helpful to undergo counselling, possibly as a couple. This may help you to see things more clearly.

You would never know a minute's peace.

I first discovered my then husband’s infidelity in 2013 - he’d joined an online dating site and was meeting a woman while I was at work; this included spending a few hours in a hotel room together in the afternoon. I confronted him - he denied it at first, then said it was my fault, then owned up and promised to stop the affair and to remove himself from the site. All lies. Fast-forward a few years and he’d ‘persuaded’ me to take early retirement and to put my tax-free lump sum into the purchase of a new-build in another region. We moved. I discovered a few months later that while he’d been checking on progress of the new-build, he’d been meeting someone else. A year after we moved, he left me for yet another woman (not the one he’d been meeting). He married her almost immediately after I divorced him. That was in 2017. I’m reliably informed that he ‘persuaded’ his new wife to sell her house and move to another county. History repeating itself. He also now makes regular Sunday trips alone to a different county from the one they live in to participate in a walking group. Why not join a local one together? I suspect he has an ulterior motive. So glad it isn’t my problem. I would steer well clear of this guy if I were you. Since divorcing, I’ve lived alone and not dated. I’ve no intention of getting involved with anyone else again. I got back the money I’d ploughed into the new-build and was able to buy my current home for cash.

Nonogran

Grandma Batty, please don’t sound so cross with me. It’s not helpful.
I am reading up on many topics regarding my handling of my situation so your pointers to read up on Sunk Cost is not unexplored already along with other wise web sites and videos I’ve watched regarding relationships’ failure and moving on. It can become too consuming.
Everyone has been kind and I’m sorry if you are frustrated with me. I wish affairs of the heart were as easy as you probably think they are. Nothing is black & white in life and Gransnet is helping me find a way forward.
Thank you for your perspective. I’m very grateful for your insight.

GranmaBatty gave good advise but I fear that you Nonogran are a people pleaser and I don't think that is in your best interest... get out while you can...

Husband had a stroke 7 years ago and now can't speak. On the day he had the stroke, I found out that he had been having an affair with a work colleague. I find it very difficult to forgive him, but what am |I to do - he is very dependent on me, for everything!

Just a small thought I d rather lose £££ s than get sucked in to the holiday together ohhhh no that’s a real one to pull you in to his web
The internet nor Fb is the spawn of the devil what some people chooses to do with it IS
What he was getting into on his phone was worrying I think you ve got some rose coloured gales on Nonogran what was he getting up to ? I wonder? He sounds a wolf in sheeps cothing he may not be the man you think he is ?!

Ahh what a bloody shame I feel for you but you are worth better I know it’s really really hard but he does not deserve you
I m really sorry to say this but he doesn’t love you in the way you should be loved, he might need you, but love no , he’s straight out there looking for someone else the minute you have a cross word and not just once

Yes I ve been cheated on in marriage (and outside marriage with a long term partner) but I have more self love now and NO ONE will ever cheat on me again i have been alone 25 years and built up a decent life for myself I m only occasionally lonely I keep busy and useful without a man I ve not been without offers and even had there ‘if you want we ll just be friends’ but it doesn’t work like that even now at my age I ve recently had someone wanting to take me out but I ve worked too hard to get happy with myself to EVER go back
Look after yourself and walk away he won’t change they never ever do ?

I am not cross nor frustrated. I am pointing out the pitfalls of continuing this relationship. I have been in a toxic relationship and ended up divorced therefore your comments to me are rather patronising. I, like most others here, can see, based on what you have written, an unhappy future ahead for you.

Grandma Batty, please don’t sound so cross with me. It’s not helpful.
I am reading up on many topics regarding my handling of my situation so your pointers to read up on Sunk Cost is not unexplored already along with other wise web sites and videos I’ve watched regarding relationships’ failure and moving on. It can become too consuming.
Everyone has been kind and I’m sorry if you are frustrated with me. I wish affairs of the heart were as easy as you probably think they are. Nothing is black & white in life and Gransnet is helping me find a way forward.
Thank you for your perspective. I’m very grateful for your insight.

You are still making excuses for him. "The internet is the spawn of the devil" type comments. You downplay that he actively seeks out these websites. They don't force him to press the ok or like button. You seem to have a sunk cost mentality. Nobody is making you go on holiday with him. Frankly I see you back on this forum in the future with the same issues, still putting the blame elsewhere. You should read up on toxic relationships.

Go on holiday and have fun. Keep him as a friend but please do not marry him. You have history with this type of controlling man already.

Maybe you could have a break from him after the holiday and cultivate some other friendships as it seems you are relying on him emotionally - probably not a good thing!
I think you know deep down what you need to do but maybe in stages.

I am sorry you are going through this OP. This chap has let you down badly and you are worth much more than to live the rest of your life allowing him to emotionally abuse you. No man who does this is worth your love. Marriage to this man would be a waste of your life, he will strip your dignity and never 100% return your love. Dig deep to find your pride and tell him it is over.
I wish you all the best for a life of contentment which is what you deserve.

I have never had this experience but I know for certain, no man would be worth wrecking my life over.

I have no experience of on line dating but it has occurred to me that maybe some people will keep on looking to see if “the grass is greener.” You seem like a very nice lady with a lot to offer and you deserve the best. Why not try to find somebody more local and just enjoy outings together at first? Limit any damage and safeguard your future.

Thanks to all for taking time to offer your thoughts. It has helped me so much to be able to give vent and has helped to clarify my mind. I feel more grounded and hopeful about single life now. I was alone for 12 years after husband died and hated it. I didn’t want to be alone in retirement & new man was so lovable when we met. I got terribly sucked in.

Our lives are so enmeshed across so many aspects. I can’t leave my home area to live full time with him because I have caring duties here for someone of great age and fragility. He too has ties where he is so for now we split our time amicably between two homes. It has worked for us for nine years.

I was married for a long time to a controlling cheater until he died so I am naive about the ways of modern men in many ways.

The internet, social media in particular, is the spawn of the devil, including Facebook. We’ve both come off it, at my request, because what he was getting into on his phone was worrying. There’s so much muck hidden in the depths.

We are booked to go on holiday soon. Too late to cancel without losing a lot of ££. I’m hoping quality time will bring greater transparency about our future.
He is due to move house, closer to me, before Christmas (which is a stressful activity at the best of times) but if I’m still uneasy, no way will I be in his life for that. Why should I expend my physical energy and emotional equilibrium on a man who doesn’t respect me?

I’m grateful to all you Grans for your wisdom and support. It’s been so helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Run as fast as you can and don’t look back, you are worth so much more than this, be kind to yourself.

kircubbin2000

I certainly wouldn't marry him. If you like his company you can stay friends but you know you can't trust him.

This is how I feel.
I would enjoy the friendship side secure in the knowledge that the pain of betrayal isn't round the corner.

that's the trouble with dating sites, loads of older vulnerable women to exploit... I can only reiterate other posters that I don't think he'll remain faithful...be very careful..

I agree with most of the advice given already, especially not to marry him! You would be on tenterhooks all the time, especially as he won't have any conversations about what he has done. I think that maintaining a friendship could work, as long as some emotional distance can be kept between you. It would take strength on your part, especially if he starts to 'love bomb' you again or tries to get himself back into your life as a love partner. You would need to be very firm with him that that aspect of your relationship has gone and if he can't continue the friendship without it, you're out.

You can choose to keep him for sex and occasional companionship but he is not going to be your forever soul mate.

If you can't tolerate his affairs you will become ill again. You have a choice. Either you tolerate his affairs or you leave him.

You have too much emotional investment in him.