What do I do with a husband , he's 77 & I'm 78, who shouts at me.

Horti

Looking at all the comments there is a lot about coping with his anger
How many of us are having to pussy foot around these dreadful old men and their dreadful behaviour
And we don’t speak about it openly
Thank goodness for this outlet
They need to know their behaviour is unacceptable and amounts to bullying and harassment
As mentioned the need for peace and harmony is so important
They disrupt our peace and often don’t care that they do getting a kick from our discomfort
There needs to be a public awareness campaign on this I think it’s very widespread but concealed

Just couldn't agree more so much is swept under the carpet and women are expected to put up with it from these grumpy old men I certainly would not put up with it if it was not a medical problem you deserve peace and quiet as you get older can you not sit him down and tell him this.

Relationships change all the time don't they. Perhaps he is going a little deaf, a bit forgetful himself and doesn't want to admit it, so likes to draw attention to when you forget things. It's not very nice is it...being shouted at all the time. Tell him how it makes you feel and that you don't like it and if he continues to shout at you, you will find something else to do on your own for the rest of the day. Make sure you do just that. Start to think about things you could do so that you have something in mind when it next happens. Good luck.

This seems to be a return to an old thread. My comment back in November agrees with your thoughts here Franbern.
Some rather drastic solutions were given to the OP - wonder how she dealt with her problem!

Franbern

Personally, I think that with current fuel costs, I would also shout at someone who left a radiator on and then opened a window!!!! It is careless, to say the least. And can be more than annoying if he is the one trying to balance household costs.

Okay, I accept that 'shouting' is not a good thing, but if this has happened previously, and he has repeated to her to be careful about fuel costs, trhen perhaps he shouted in exasperation. Who knows?

Thank goodness for your post Franbern those are my thoughts exactly.

Personally, I think that with current fuel costs, I would also shout at someone who left a radiator on and then opened a window!!!! It is careless, to say the least. And can be more than annoying if he is the one trying to balance household costs.

Okay, I accept that 'shouting' is not a good thing, but if this has happened previously, and he has repeated to her to be careful about fuel costs, trhen perhaps he shouted in exasperation. Who knows?

Cant agree more with Pythagoras post.... but i also have to add, has this behaviour happen recently? I would also say to keep a mental note of other changes in his behaviour ( if this shouting is a change in his behavior )

If this is recent behaviour, he may be losing his hearing, need hearing aids and not realise he is shouting. ?
I had this problem with my old man!

Looking at all the comments there is a lot about coping with his anger
How many of us are having to pussy foot around these dreadful old men and their dreadful behaviour
And we don’t speak about it openly
Thank goodness for this outlet
They need to know their behaviour is unacceptable and amounts to bullying and harassment
As mentioned the need for peace and harmony is so important
They disrupt our peace and often don’t care that they do getting a kick from our discomfort
There needs to be a public awareness campaign on this I think it’s very widespread but concealed

If he doesn't work out that shouting at you is no use and continues to do it, leave him.

Not easy at 78. I would look for a way to cope.

"Do a Hitler imitation"

With the evidence we have on this thread, I am sure comparing a mass murderer with this hisband is a worthy comparison z a very questionable one in fact

If his always been a good loyal husband and still is in meny ways
I’d put it down to his age or health…
Try talking about it.

You could try "I'm sorry I can't hear you." said quietly but firmly when he pauses for breath. He will likely shout again. Repeat the phrase until he can't shout anymore. Then say very quietly "If you want me to hear you you will have to speak quietly. Now what was it you wanted?"
If he doesn't work out that shouting at you is no use and continues to do it, leave him.

I assume he knows you're not happy with this.
I think I would create my own comfortable space and go there as soon as he shouts. Ignore him, perhaps make your own meals and take them there. And let him see you're serious.
Its difficult to call it a day when you are older, but at least you'll have peace and quiet this way.

Do a Hitler imitation for him.

Either stand and argue with him (which he might like) or do the opposite. Take yourself out if you are able retail therapy gets your mind off a grumpy husband.

Pythagoras I think your advise is spot on
I have a similar grumpier husband these days
This seems to be a phenomena with friends husbands also they seem to loose their cool and get aggressive more as they get older

The advise I was given a while back about suggesting he acts his age not his shoe size is very good on a similar thread

I think there is learned behaviour sometimes

Both his parents used to shout to get their own way although I never saw that they were always polite to me ..
So that behaviour was concealed

It’s never right to shout or be abusive to get your own way
It’s bullying too
I prefer to avoid the space and not interact but really it’s a problem that wears you down and you have to ask if this is what you want for the rest of your life

Hithere

Energy is expensive these days

What other examples can you give us?

In this current climate it’s sensible to try to conserve as much heat as possible, so wouldn’t it be best to keep the bedroom door shut if you’ve opened a window. At least the draught from the window will be confined to that one room…or if it’s too hot, turn the radiator off.
Like Quokka, I grumble at my H if he allows an open window or door to cool the house.

Has he always been like this? You say he's like his mother, so I expect not.
I very much doubt that leaving is realistic advice, however I would tell him the next time he raises his voice, you will won't put up for it, tell him he needs to get his ears tested and he is making you feel ill. You can't live walking on egg shells if he's a problem talk not shout at you. I would get out as much as I'm able and get interests outside the home and turn a bedroom into my space, hobbies and your own tv, then he can moan about the bills to his hearts content.
I live on my own and do get lonely at times but it's much better than living with someone whom you don't get on with.

Pythagoras - I will try to channel your calm clarity when I have to say something 'difficult'.

Say to him. ‘There is something I need to say to you. You have got into the habit of shouting at me for every little thing. It is making me very unhappy. I am not prepared to live like this. I may not have many years left and I want a peaceful enjoyable life. So stop with the shouting.
If you feel you can’t stop the constant shouting, perhaps we should call it a day’.

Meer is this a change to his behaviour or has he always shouted at you?

Pretend you can’t hear him and let him bellow like an angry bull. When he shuts up ask him what’s wrong. He may then have an apoplectic fit or worse and you will be rid of him.

Tell him you are not there to get shouted at and let him to close the window and door if it annoys him. Then put your coat on and go somewhere for a coffee and cake and let him stew for a while.

M0nica

Tell him that if he doesn't stop shouting at you, you will ignore him when he does - and do so.

Hi Meer

I'm still nor clear how long this has been going on for? Has it been low level shouting and controlling by it, (ie you avoid saying anything that might lead to shouting over a long time) and recently got worse

or is it relatively new

in the short term Monica is spot on. Longer term you have actually say, "where could I go"

Do you mean another room, your own TV/ your own "you"space, or splitting up?

Tell him that if he doesn't stop shouting at you, you will ignore him when he does - and do so.