I'm Trying..TRYING to stay out of it

When my daughters let off steam to me I make soothing noises because the next moment if you do say anything they are back together and you are the big bad wolf.
DH always keeps out of things and says there are two sides to every story and we only hear one,I think he is right.
I do help one daughter with work problems and handling colleagues she tends to do what I did when young and jump right in I tell her to stand back and think what DH would do and act accordingly.
He did have to do a lot of managing people as well as his clinical job.

No wonder MIL’s get a bad reputation! Do not get involved or take sides. Negotiating family relationships is tricky at the best of times and showing that you do not like your DIL is asking for trouble!

Yes do - our adult children are never blameless or prefect / and it takes two . My profession is a family mediator - the well meaning wider members of the family can make things a whole lot worse !

Before my late husband died and when our son and wonderful daughter in law ( I love her like my own) got married my husband said two word " Never interfere" . I/we've stuck to that
I adore my daughter in law but my son drives me mad but I still keep schtum and smile.

Keeping your mouth shut whilst making smoothing noises is probably the best way forward. I don't always do this however, I sometimes ask my son what he did wrong.

I used to sympathise with my SIL because I knew how difficult it was living with my daughter but I soon learned that he loves people to "side" with him so my new stance is to just let him vent. Occasionally I have had to remind him that she is my daughter and if push comes to shove, I would side with my daughter no matter what. I just want him to know that he cannot rely on me to fight his corner!

Shinamae -heartfelt sympathy. Really do think good legal advice is important - especially if there are threats in the air.

And they may want to consider a family law firm that does mediation.

Best wishes to all Grans standing in this puddle of woe!

I provided a listening ear to my son. Did not criticise his wife at all. Had to help out financially when they split so that son could remain in family home but wife got her share to buy something else. No children but son got custody of dog and two cats and ex got visiting rights!

Someone said to me only last week that when marriages break down the mother of the husband always blames her daughter-in-law. Hardly fair. The speaker has not had children though so perhaps did not understand how we automatically defend our children, albeit unthinkingly at times.

My DIL has fallen out with her mum and they haven't seen each other for a few years now. She does bring Xmas presents for the DGC which are accepted but that's it. There is hope though as sadly DIL has been diagnosed with a serious medical problem and contacted her mum who responded. So really hope they get back together ❤️. DIL has often been quite controlling with her mum but never with me. Her mum just went her own way and moved away which was sad.
My DAC all make their own mistakes and unless it's a violent abusive relationship I've never interfered or commented unless asked.

Minefield !!
I listen to my son when he wishes to vent but that is the end of it. All I do is listen. Never, ever would I get involved in their relationship, nor anyones elses .

A mama bear roars for her cubs when they are growing up

Those cubs become bears themselves and can fight their own battles, mama doesn't need to roar anymore

Maybe he just wants a listening ear - I have that all of the time!
I use my ears - give advice when asked for it - try to see both sides but mostly keep it to myself and close my mouth … and not drink around anyone 🤣

Lucca

Callistemon21

What if there is merit to dil's comments and she is in the right?

DIL and I have been known to have a little giggle occasionally about DS's foibles 😁

Definitely! We do too.
But light hearted …I would never expect nor want to be part of any deeper issues !

Certainly not.
And never, ever criticise your DIL to your DS!

Callistemon21

^What if there is merit to dil's comments and she is in the right?^

DIL and I have been known to have a little giggle occasionally about DS's foibles 😁

Definitely! We do too.
But light hearted …I would never expect nor want to be part of any deeper issues !

Wyllow3

All I can advise is that the new No Blame divorce is a lot more straightforward and BOTH parties don't have to agree with it.

but when children are involved it is more complicated, however the courts do look for a fair settlement of resources according to circumstances. It may cost more for DD's solicitor to have someone work out the financials, still, all in all, better than the old divorce laws.

Half p.m.’d you. hope you don’t mind..

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

All I can advise is that the new No Blame divorce is a lot more straightforward and BOTH parties don't have to agree with it.

but when children are involved it is more complicated, however the courts do look for a fair settlement of resources according to circumstances. It may cost more for DD's solicitor to have someone work out the financials, still, all in all, better than the old divorce laws.

Shinamae

Callistemon21

Shinamae
That is very difficult for you.
All you can do is support her.

She has a very good job and fortunately she can work from home but I’m just worried with all this stress she’s under if she makes a mistake she could cost her company thousands… then where would she be? At the moment she is in a two bedroom flat and that is costing her £1400 a month just in rent, she has always paid half the mortgage on the house and just wants it sold so she can move on with her life but her husband like I say is being so awkward and he has money so if he wants to continue being difficult he is in a much better place than my daughter financially 🤦‍♀️

she has always paid half the mortgage on the house
he is in a much better place than my daughter financially

She needs to seek legal advice, Shinamae.
I'm sure other Gransnetters will be able to advise.

When my youngest split from her boyfriend (as he 'wasn't sure' about commitment) I felt so sorry for her - and terribly, horribly angry with him. I called him every name under the sun. (How dare he upset my little girl?) and advised her to move on. Of course, they got back together - but my anger remained. I had to say 'Don't bring him here, I might punch him' - so didn't see much of them for a couple of years. Now, they're married with kids - and still he's nervous around me!

Callistemon21

Shinamae
That is very difficult for you.
All you can do is support her.

She has a very good job and fortunately she can work from home but I’m just worried with all this stress she’s under if she makes a mistake she could cost her company thousands… then where would she be? At the moment she is in a two bedroom flat and that is costing her £1400 a month just in rent, she has always paid half the mortgage on the house and just wants it sold so she can move on with her life but her husband like I say is being so awkward and he has money so if he wants to continue being difficult he is in a much better place than my daughter financially 🤦‍♀️

I think its ok to listen to your son letting off steam , you are his Mum after all. I would just try not to say anything negative about his wife or offer any advice, tricky I know . Its normal for couples to say things about each other after a row , mind you, I could never say anything negative about my husband to his parents . He's a very spolit only child , that can do no wrong in their eyes 🙄

Shinamae
That is very difficult for you.
All you can do is support her.

What if there is merit to dil's comments and she is in the right?

DIL and I have been known to have a little giggle occasionally about DS's foibles 😁

Oh Shinamae thats very different you poor love and DD and the kids...