I'm Trying..TRYING to stay out of it

Not really anything to do with this post, I have just read it and I'm sorry but anyone who refers to themselves as mamma bear, I know is not on my wavelength. Truly awful nomenclature.

If there is abuse though, please help any dd or dil, as much as you can, carefully of course, but call out any abuse for what it is, in private with her, as before. Abuse is not a tiff

I always think my late Mum had the best policy. When DH and I were early in our relationship and adjusting to each other, I would talk to Mum, as would DH. She would listen, make a cuppa, give a big hug and that was it. No opinion, no interference, and we would be sent on our way. After Mum’s death, my lovely Dad would do much the same thing. Just having someone listen even when they do not comment or get involved helps.

I agree about drawing a line under letting him offload on you.

However you could simply keep suggesting they go for marriage counselling.

My feeling are if you get involved it will backfire on you in the end. I have this image of them together

woman "my mom says such and such about you"
man "my mom says such and such about you"

This gets nowhere frankly. Unless part of you likes - or liked. -being involved like that.

I can hear my parents if I had ever spoken to them about any marital upset no matter how serious (physical abuse excepted). You made your bed, now lie in it. In other words it's down to the couple to sort whatever out, it's their problem not yours as a parent.

Children whatever age they are should not involve their parents unless there is abuse within their marriage or partnership. They make up you would be be bad guy. They sort themselves out.

The best advice I know as a Mom or Mother in law, is tell your son or daughter NOT to tell you complaints that have to be solved between himself and his partner. Tell him you can't be his complaint department, because when he and his partner resolve their issues between themselves, the poison of his complaints can remain in your own heart. Partners in love and marriage can forgive each other, but it is not so easy to forgive someone who hurt your child.

happycatholicwife1

I don't understand married people who 'share" costs for the household and children. Almost everyone I've known who followed this prescription has wound up bitter about the imbalance in financial security or divorced, in the end. My husband and I have always shared costs in the way that we both put all of our money in the same banking account, and we pretty much agree on what we're going to spend. Then one or the other or both of us spends it, whether it be for food or dance lessons or insurance. We share the fruits and the expenses, and it's always been our money jointly. I can't imagine approaching marriage with a different philosophy. If you don't trust your husband or wife, then you are married to the wrong person.

We each have our own bank account and share out expenses, not equally as he has more money than me. It has nothing to do with trust. I like to know that the money I have left over can be used to buy things like his Birthday and Christmas presents from my money rather than his. Different people do things different ways and we have done this differently to you for the last 30 years amicably.

I don't understand married people who 'share" costs for the household and children. Almost everyone I've known who followed this prescription has wound up bitter about the imbalance in financial security or divorced, in the end. My husband and I have always shared costs in the way that we both put all of our money in the same banking account, and we pretty much agree on what we're going to spend. Then one or the other or both of us spends it, whether it be for food or dance lessons or insurance. We share the fruits and the expenses, and it's always been our money jointly. I can't imagine approaching marriage with a different philosophy. If you don't trust your husband or wife, then you are married to the wrong person.

I was asked once by my AC whether she should stay with her partner. Had I said he was a selfish waste of space, would never change, she deserved better etc then I could have encourged her towards leaving him. Had I said she should give him another chance, that the best marriages can weather the storms, they could be stronger after this - that might have encourged her to stay, and try again. I kept my counsel, although frankly I would have liked to have pushed him off the top of a high building. My gentle DD did leave, divorce and then marry happily years later. Too often, if you wade in with an opinion - particulary of the 'leave that swine' variety, and then they reconcile, there must be a cloud hanging over the relationship.

For your son, stay out of it! Completely. Say, “I’m very confident you two will figure it out and learn from it. All couples go through issues in a way that works for both.” If you have to say “grow up” - just say it!

As for the daughter going through a divorce, definitely ask her how you can help. The daughter will always be a role model for her children so if she needs to make a hard decision that’s in all of their best interest, tell her to be strong and do what’s right with confidence. The pieces will fall as they may and her kids will understand when they are older! Peace to all….

If my son rings up complaining about his live-in partner, which has happened once, when they nearly broke up, I would ask if he wants to hear my opinion, or not, AFTER I have offered what practical help I can.

If by getting involved, you mean offering unsolicited advice or making unkind remarks either about in-laws, or our own adult children, then I agree with all of you who say "keep out of it".

BUT, but, but he is my son, so I am involved. It can never be a matter of indifference to me that he is unhappy.

I will willingly listen to anyone else too who is in the middle of divorce, or the kind of situation that leads to it, when I am asked to listen, and if asked for advice, I will try to give it.

Oh KILight68, I do so empathise with you. If anyone, anyone, I don't care who they are, hurts my children n any way I'm afraid my maternal instincts come thundering out within a nano second and look out who's on the receiving end. I do not and never will regret sticking up for my children and speaking my mind.

AussieGran59

Mama Bear?
Roar?
Really?
Sorry but this sounds like you think your child can do no wrong. Please don’t wear blinkers where your children are concerned. I am fully aware of my own children’s ‘faults’. They do all have some.

Op sounds like a nightmare MIL

Hear all....say nothing. This is my motto with family, including adult children, work and with friends....you'll end up 'with egg on your face'

I’m saying nowt !!

Thank you all for your advice and your thoughts. I'm sticking to my guns ..... the two of them (DIL and son) need to work out their issues between themselves and not going running to their mamas everytime. It's none of our business. The chips will fall where they might/may.

Even listening to an AC venting about the spouse is dangerous - they are still involving you in couple matters

If venting prevents addressing the issue with the spouse - it is already a bad move to be a listener

They need to address those issues between themselves - our parents are not (generally) neutral and most probably take the side of their offspring

One of my DDs tried to engage me in a relationship problem - I told her that I had confidence she would make the right decisions, and that I was here to support her whatever she decided. I did not engage in discussion about the nitty gritty of the problem and definitely made no criticisms of her partner. Just as well I did not as they are now happily married with 3 lovely children.

Had there been issues of domestic abuse of any sort then I would clearly have engaged with it.

Stay out of it Your baby bear is an adult with a

I should go on a nice Winter holiday and leave them to it

Well said Hithere

My mantra is never, never get involved in anyone else's disputes. If you weren't there you do not know the whole story and should never never interfere. That hopefully generally keeps my peace.

When, some years ago now, the man we had expected to be our son-in-law, left our daughter with an 11 month old baby, for someone else, 4 months before the wedding, I was unable to say nothing. In fact I said a great deal, as did DH. We have been extremely careful never to be critical in front of his daughter, our DGD and are always polite to him in her presence though.
Probably as a rule of thumb one shouldn't get too involved, but as we had to pick up the pieces, we didn't feel we had much choice.

Oh dear. A husband and wife should talk to each other and not to their parents about each others flaws and mistakes. Your son is married to his wife now. You have no place being ready to pounce on your daughter in law. Try loving her, accepting her and including her and refusing to discuss her with your son.