Yes, I have already started to donate and have got a link to some charities that I have suggested if family buy less for her and make a donation instead.
She doesn’t message me really asking questions , but I know my husband gets asked for photos daily, and if they don’t come gets told that she is sad that she hadn’t had any ( not ideal when you are at work!) x
It looks as if you're doing everything right Dilin and very importantly, doing it together.
It does sound rather extreme to have opted for a 'c' section which unless I'm mistaken is what you did, rather than say no and refusing to let them into your home when the time came.
You say your m.i.l. has never taken it upon herself to pick your baby up or do a nappy change, which suggests there are at least a couple of self imposed boundaries.
Your husband is doing well, confronting them about their holiday booking which resulted in them cancelling, and telling her to take back unwanted gifts. Your child is a baby so far too young to begin to have expectations of a never ending supply of presents.
There's nothing to stop you from buying your own wooden advent calendar and that being the one you use. Your husband can tell his mum that the one she's purchased isn't required, or you could have two in different rooms.
Try and focus on the positives, the main one being that your husband is fully supportive and is the one directly dealing with his mum. It's not unheard of for husbands in his position to abdicate all responsibility, and be unable or unwilling to stand up to their mum.
It's probably a good thing that they live 1.5 hours away which should enable you to visit them or have them visit you when you and your husband are happy to do so.
Hopefully things will settle down and the constantly reinforced messages will begin to sink in. It does sound like your m.i.l. is an over excited granny rather than intending any malice.
First let me say that it is yours and your husband's baby so what you two choose to accept from parents is entirely up to you alone. What would be unreasonable in one family may not be in another. It sounds like your MIL is giving messages that she is desperate to be an important person in her grandaughter's life which is making her act like the MIL most people don't want. To be honest, when she was having her children, MIL's probably got away with this because it was more accepted then than today.
Before you make up your mind that either party is being totally unreasonable, talk to your husband about what the two of you feel is acceptable behaviour from all of your parents. Once the two of you agree then you can tackle the parents. It is so important that they see that you are standing together. No saying, "I'd let you, but x doesn't want it." No doubt there will be compromises to be made on your part (and his) but at least you and your husband will be able to sing from the same hymn sheet.
Once you have decided on what you both expect, you can speak to your in-laws. Perhaps there are areas where you can suggest they help (say a nappy change or two) and how you want to go about presents. You can always hand on unwanted stuff to charity. If you've told them and they continue, they can only expect you to get rid of it and another family without generous in-laws can benefit.
Finally, it is normal to communicate with your own parents more easily and accept help from them. Just make sure you are giving your in-laws the same opportunities. If they do things differently, teach them your way.
Good luck.
Firstly, stop telling her things. By that, I mean do not discuss holidays, days out, what baby needs etc as your MIL is picking up on every opportunity to take control and be included in your plans.
Donate any unwanted items she has purchased to a clothing/toy bank, there are many people worldwide in need of clothing for their infants, alternatively you could sell them on and put the cash in baby's bank account.
You and your OH have to have a united front and MIL needs to be assured that not all the decisions come from you as an individual.
You, your OH and the baby are a family unit now, enjoy.
I am actually a daughter in law that is looking for some advice from other MILs on my current situation. I am a new mom and want to make sure I’m not overreacting or my hormones are getting the better of me!
I have been with my partner for 6 years, he has always had a good relationship with his parents. He would speak to his mother most days over text and I liked that he was close. When I came into the picture I was welcomed and felt like I was the daughter they never had! Never had any issues ……. Until I became pregnant.
Now before I go into the events that have happened, I need to explain her behaviour. She is not confrontational at all, in fact, she is always the one who couldn’t possibly do xyz, scared of everything - my complete opposite!! Everyone would say she was harmless, but I’m now thinking there is more to all of this.
The first concern was when I was pregnant. This is her first grandchild, and of course she was excited. She kept saying that as soon as I went into labour she would get her husband to drive up straight away ( they live 1.5hr away). This immediately made me tense up, I wasn’t comfortable with this. When my partner tried to use covid visiting as a reason they couldn’t come to the hospital, she said that she would just come and wait at our house. I didn’t want to come back to anyone in my house, there was no asking or any thought to if this was appropriate. Int he end we ended up having a c section in secret so we could make sure that we would have our space.
Visiting was getting intense, every two weeks and they would stay all day, on the last occasion before we said something, they didn’t get up to us til 2pm and we’re still here at 8pm when we were trying to do bedtime. For anyone who has had a newborn, any change to routine is a nightmare, and we had tears for hours. When my husband told them that they will have to come up for 10am but leave after lunch it was met with sulking and being told that she didn’t feel welcome in our home.
When she is here, it isn’t like she takes over, she has never gone to pick her up or even changed a nappy, she sits there just squealing at her every mood and I can feel the unspoken plea of give me the baby. My baby doesn’t really settle with her so naturally baby then starts to play up. We booked a family holiday ( first holiday in 3 years) and we found out through other family that they had secretly booked the same holiday, in the same hotel. When my husband confronted them, they said they were going to surprise us by being there when we checked in and thought they could baby sit our 5 month old over night so we could have some time together ( they have never looked after her alone ever)
They were told they had crossed a line and did cancel the holiday, but they do not think that they were in the wrong for this at all.
My partner has constantly told them to stop buying baby gifts. We feel strongly about baby having too much stuff and becoming expectant, yet she still continues to buy stuff. To the point my husband says no take it back with you, she then just sits there and sulks.
Most recently she annoyed that she had already purchased baby a wooden Christmas advent, something that I, as the mother, wanted to buy my child. There was no asking if it was ok, has we already done it etc
It is clear that she thinks that it is me that is saying no and in her opinion keeping her away from the baby, she has said to family that she just wants the chance to be a grandmother, which we are trying to give her but on our terms not hers.
This whole situation is making me really quite depressed, it’s caused arguments in my relationship and I am left feeling anxious and resentful at every interaction.
Any advice from MILs out there would be very welcomed xx
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