Aggressive Adult Children

We are estranged from our youngest son Anne but he was never physically aggressive and only became verbally so once he'd estranged us.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It's beyond cruel when we lose our GC too and as you say, there's not much if anything you can do.

I understand how much you miss them, we miss ours and they're the only GC we have but you have to think about your own welfare, and being financially abused by an aggressive AC is not something anyone should have to tolerate.

If they contact you again wanting money and threatening and/or abuse you. Ring the police. They are, and have been, committing crimes for which they could be imprisoned.

Can you write to them and say you would like contact with them both? Suggest meeting on neutral territory and say you have missed seeing them and their children. Hope things improve . Stick to your guns re not giving them money though. Good luck!

Thank you everyone. They want nothing to do with me unless it’s on their terms. They where also providing my abusive ex husband details of my life.

mumofmadboys

Can you write to them and say you would like contact with them both? Suggest meeting on neutral territory and say you have missed seeing them and their children. Hope things improve . Stick to your guns re not giving them money though. Good luck!

If I wrote to them they would ignore me.

I would still write, at least then you have tried. And you never know.

AnneWilson

Thank you everyone. They want nothing to do with me unless it’s on their terms. They where also providing my abusive ex husband details of my life.

And by saying that you have painted the accurate picture in abuse terms of what's called 'flying monkeys" - ie the abusive one/(s) get others on their side to diss you ie your ex.

Hold your ground -send cards/small pressies to grandchildren - and its so hard, but the way you are most likely to in the long term get respect and contact.

Yes, you could have called police in - that's how my abusive husband was stopped in his tracks in the end, his brother caught him out trying to de-fraud his elderly mum and he was arrested, but I wouldn't recommend it unless things get worse. but..if they do contact you and are continually or more abusive, keep a record every which way you can - record any phone calls, screenshot any texts, emails and so on.

When I see posts like these, my heart breaks . Why oh why do they keep their children away from their loving grandparents ? Don’t they realise the more love the children have, the better they will thrive. I am just so sad.

The why is simple - punishment, control, (blame?AC may even kid themselves its "for the best")

And all sad, sad, and long, wrong, as grandchildren need loving people around them.

Thats why I wouldn't go for the police option unless there is no choice. Maximum possibly that maturing will take place, or that the AC may, in crisis with GC, decide to reach back out. but its a cold long wait for our O/P.

Such a sad sad story! I have no experience of this so unable to give advice. All I can say is that I imagine in your position I think I would stay well away from my aggressive children - even at the cost of not seeing my GC. Take care of yourself and remember you may reconnect with GC in the future.

I think you should not be around your grown kids, regardless of if they try to reconnect with you, until and unless something changes drastically here.

Bullying you, using you for money, stealing from you, getting violent, wow. They sound completely out of control and dangerous. This could get a whole lot worse. Do they have any substance abuse issues, by any chance?

I will say that I have cut off some family members after many years of unrelenting, unexplicable shabby treatment and I would not want my child around them. In my case, it is not from a desire for control or to punish them but just because I didn't want my kid in that mess, without me around to monitor the craziness. Also, it's not really possible to have a problem person out of your life if they're still in contact with your child. I mean, obviously in my case, I do not think they are a positive influence in my child's life. (My child is grown now though so this is all past tense).

Sorry, I digress. But in THIS situation, I would be concerned about the grandchildren's safety with these parents. But here in the US anyway, I think you have to have actually recently seen something yourself to get an investigation going. So it would probably be for someone else to report if they see anything.

So sorry you're in this situation but I think you are definitely better off without them and hope you don't ever allow them back into your life without seeing proof of serious changes. Safety first!

Human relationships get so hard. If I didn't have my lovely kid and lovely husband, I think I'd just get a couple dozen cats and call it a day.

I live in a semi detached house and my neighbours adult children come round and shout at them and demand money too. It is horrible to listen to as our neighbours seem nice

? crimestoppers ?

there was actually a poster up in sainsburys today about who to call if you are frightened in your own home but I didn't see who it was. I will look the next time i go in

JaneJudge Just ring the police and report it. They will not tell your neighbours who contacted them.

You might like to record the next occasion this sort of things happened and hand that to the police, again no one will be told it was you. who recorded them.

I have no answers but just wanted to say how sorry this is happening to you AnneWilson.
I don't suppose there is much you can do at present.
Maybe in future things may change for the better.
Is there a family friend or someone kind who might act as a go between?
The aggressive behaviour sounds horrible. Has your DS always been angry or just since your divorce?
Sending hugs.

So sorry Anne, yes aggressive. The son of an abuser, yes. He has not laid a finger on me, but has made me extremely nervous at times and last time we spoke he said he knows I'm scared of him. I didn't admit it was true, but stopped replying because of the abusive things he said.

Hostility is hard to bear, I know. I know my son was being deliberately cruel and I did not know where that would lead, so I stopped replying. He was trying to coerce me to do things I wasnt comfortable with.
Is your son on drugs? My ES is.

Don’t write to them. What would that achieve? They’ve behaved abusively towards you. They should be the one’s reaching out.
If they do reach out, don’t invite them, or agree to them coming to your home. Meet in a neutral venue. Don’t simply pick up as though nothing has happened. Look after yourself.

I can’t give any advice, but just want to say how sorry I am that you’re experiencing this. 💐

Iam64

Don’t write to them. What would that achieve? They’ve behaved abusively towards you. They should be the one’s reaching out.
If they do reach out, don’t invite them, or agree to them coming to your home. Meet in a neutral venue. Don’t simply pick up as though nothing has happened. Look after yourself.

Yes, thats true, many times I thought about writing too, but what would it achieve?

If it didn't contain money it would probably be thrown in the bin, maybe not read at all.

You're right Iam64 we should not chase abuse, no matter how much we miss our GC. I keep myself busy to combat sadness.

They should be the ones reaching out. Good advice.

I’m sorry you are enduring this nonsense Anne.
No advice to offer except, hope springs eternal doesn’t it.
So here’s hoping your dgc will come to find you when
they are able.

My mother estranged us not only from my paternal grandmother,
the rest of the family too, for reasons unknown.
We never knew many of our cousins, only met them
at her funeral, never seen them since.
I did visit my grandmother, for a time, took my
own children to visit her when she was 80, by then
she wasn’t sure who I was.
I know my DF used to sneak off and visit his mother.

I hope all estranged see a resolution, drugs, alcohol,
spite, prevailing, not for ever, though.
Spring is on the way, new beginnings, here’s hopefulness
for you Anne and anyone else sad because of wilful estrangement.