I'm At A Loss ... How To Deal?

Tell your ex to grow up and stop behaving like a child.

I am afraid this a situation where I would tell ex, that if he wants to lose both his son and his grandson then he is going the right way about it. Whatever his age, if he is a grandfather he is old enough to behave civilly to his son and not talk about his DiL at all, to anyone. Perhaps when he has acted in a mature manner for a couple of years, he can ask his son whether any coming together is possible.

I appreciate that DiL is far from perfect, but he is the older, and supposedly wiser person. He should start acting his age and not his shoe size.

I’m not at all sure why you are making this your problem.
All three of them are adults, they need to sort it out between themselves. Don’t get involved .

My feeling is that the one who is related to both of them, your son, is no third party innocent who's caught in the middle, but the one whose responsibility it is to handle this.

Therefore, I'd say your son is falling down on the job here. His wife talking about what will happen "if dad gets our son to divorce her" is telling. It almost sounds like the father and wife are competing for his favor.

In my opinion, your son needs to put his foot down. Tell his father he is NOT to speak ill of his, your son's, wife, for starters, to your son or anyone else. Then immediately hang up or leave if he does.

And, if it applies, also tell his wife to stop stirring it up with his father as well.

If your son could straighten this out on his own he probably would have already done so. So I'd suggest individual therapy for him or couples counseling with his wife. Then step out of it yourself, as your part in untangling this mess instead of inadvertently feeding it.

Just my opinion. Good luck with it.

What was said on all sides?

This is not your circus or monkeys

Let them fix or (or not) themselves

There’s a reason why he’s your ex.

It sounds like your ex is on the way to destroying the relationship he has with your son & his family. I would pull way back from this. Listen, comfort but dont be put in a position where you feel you have to take sides further down the line. I would hold this boundary very firmly with everyone , as it is their rift to repair or not as the case may be , not yours. Remain neutral & refuse to compromise your own relationship with your son and his family. Good luck !

Is your ex husband called Harry by any chance?

Glad Eye....

No, and mine isn't Sally.

If you must give advice, do as Monica suggested regarding your ex, and tell your son to grow up and realise that being a husband demands some loyalty to his wife.

Irrespective of what he privately thinks or has said to her about the occurence, he should tell his father that he is not prepared to listen to criticism of his wife from anyone. If his father is so discontent with his DIL then he takes the matter up with HER again, and only with her.

Having said all this you add to both your ex and your son, that you do not wish to be involved in this quarrel, nor to hear any more about it. And stick to this.