Son is troubled about partner stopping breast feeding

I also know of a few men who did the same- totally undermining the mother's confidence in her ability to BF, rather than support her in her choice.

One concern here that I have, is that her parents keep buying the formula.

Pressure can come in many guises. I remember the days when I went home after a C-Section, as nursing staff kept feeding my baby formula, to let me sleep- knowing full well I was keen to BF and to establish BF.

As said above, I know of many cases where the mother, not the MIL, has either totally discouraged their daughter from BF, and in some case, almost or fully forcing her to bottle feed t hand them 'control'.

It can go both ways. And this especially in some cultures.

I don't believe either set of parents should talk about concerns in their AC marriage. It's intrusive to the person being talked about.

Colours the parental view to the AC-in-law.

Therapy is appropriate.

VioletSky

Relationships are easy when not invested in having any measure of control or say in how the other lives. When not judging the washing up in the sink or their being wrapped up in a dressing gown surviving their first nights as a new mum.

I'm not always in agreement with you VS on other matters - but my goodness, you are spot on with this.

Quite a profound comment.

To the OP: Your DIL needs support, not criticism, perhaps tell your son that? - you sound sensitive and caring and are obviously cautious of upsetting her further. Just be there if she needs you, there's not much else you can do.
And congratulations! Your GC shares the same name as my son - who is a now a happy and healthy 50 year old, and who was also only BF for 6 weeks.

Yes it does Hithere.

Smileless

Depends on the concerns

There's nothing wrong with a son sharing any concerns with his own mother. ThespiGran's son has apologised to her for what he said, realising that he was wrong. Being married doesn't mean that a husband or wife shouldn't ask their mother for support or guidance.

Every time I am very poorly, my best friend of my whole life will turn up, inform me she doesn't want my lurgi thank you and here is a bag of my favourite things to keep me going.

She started her parenting journey 10 years after I did. I had 4 children when she had her first one. I could have easily given all sorts of unsolicited advice but I didn't. I helped when asked and made suggestions when asked and I got to be the first person to cuddle all the babies because I was the one who knew what she needed when I visited and if I was unsure I asked.

Relationships are easy when not invested in having any measure of control or say in how the other lives. When not judging the washing up in the sink or their being wrapped up in a dressing gown surviving their first nights as a new mum.

Challenges are external to the relationship... situations and things that happen. For example, baby being poorly is something that impacts everyone. The relationship breaking down between parents impacts everyone. However even then, the grandparents role is a support role, be there, listen... if you need to vent that's what friends are for.

The role of being grandparent in itself is not challenging at all

Fleurpepper

Is the family from a different culture? In some countries, it is a control thing as the matriach want to be in charge. I have known this from 3 colleagues in the past, living in extended families.

No-one commented on this post.

The mother should not be told what to do by any mother-in-law- or indeed her own mother, or any matriarch.

Madgran77

An example might be how "taking your own lunch /tea" even after saying that's what you'll do. Easily interpreted as "not liking our food" or "thinking we can't cope" , especially when sensitivities are high in new parents learning the ropes. So...it's just NOT "easy"!

I think it's "easy" if the outsider waits for instruction and invite.

If invited, at all - just ask, if inclined to think food/tea is truly necessary - "may I bring tea and biscuits?" Listen and hear the answer.

Easy? Yes, don't be intrusive.

No, it's easy to be a support rather than be a challenge as a grandparent

Just ask the new parents if unsure what they want or need right now

I feel sorry for your sons partner in this situation. I'm sure she's not lazy. Perhaps she's tired from the birth, broken sleep and possibly lacking in confidence in her very new role as a parent.
As long as baby is loved, thriving and healthy, it is surely up to her how she feeds her baby.

I hope other family members are giving her some support.

An example might be how "taking your own lunch /tea" even after saying that's what you'll do. Easily interpreted as "not liking our food" or "thinking we can't cope" , especially when sensitivities are high in new parents learning the ropes. So...it's just NOT "easy"!

And not every mother can even if they want to glorianna

VioletSky

It's easy

Never be a guest in a home with a new baby. Take lunch, make your own tea

Tell them no tidying for your visit, you are visiting them, not the house

Don't focus all your attention on baby

Don't have expectations about babysitting or alone time with baby, wait until asked

Consult parents on gifts for baby to ensure need and use

Give the baby back to mum if fussing unless mum gives you the baby asking for help with fussing

No unsolicited advice

Listen and support, don't side with arguments

Be grandma and mum, not a challenge

I agree with all your suggestions but no, it's not easy, depending on personalities, how different people interpret behaviours etc. Sensitivities can be heightened to the nth degree and not always with fault on the GPs part.

I breast fed all mine because I'm lazy, couldn't stand the idea of all that sterilising!
But every mother has the right to decide if she should breastfeed and if she isn't happy doing it the baby will pick up on that. Better a happy mum bottle feeding than a stressed one passing her feelings onto the baby as she breastfeeds.

One of the moments I remember most fondly about my much missed MIL was her taking my crying baby from me and handing me a glass of wine (I wasnt breastfeeding at this stage), so we might need to add alcohol to the good grandparenting guide.

New cell, autocorrect is not trained yet

Hithere

Pump lol

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I thought your original comment seemed a bit out there.....🤣🤣🤣🤣

I couldn't breastfeed my first baby. The birth was traumatic and both of us nearly died, so my milk supply shut down, and the baby was in SCU for a few days, during which time I was mostly unconscious, and the milk didn't come back. I bottle fed, and it was absolutely fine - in fact I bottle fed the second baby too, as I found that despite being in NCT and really wanting to breastfeed the bottle actually worked well for us as a family.

I would have massively resented being assumed to be lazy, or any implication that I wasn't doing the best for my babies. My husband knew that there was no alternative with the first one, and that it was my decision anyway. He was happy to join in with feeding both of them, so we shared the sleepless nights and both bonded with both children. If he had brought his mother into the situation in any way I would have thought it really inappropriate. I believe that as the mother it was my decision to do things the way that worked for me (although any choice in the matter was taken away as it happened). As the father, maybe he had a right to an opinion, but if we had disagreed on that I think he should have conceded to me. Outside of that, it had nothing to do with anyone else, including grandparents, and unless I had asked for advice I would have been furious with him for involving others.

Thespigran
I am so sorry you have found yourself in the line of fire with some very harsh, critical and very unhelpful responses. You came on here for some tips on how to help your son with a life changing situation. Is this his first child? A new parent also, not just the baby's mum is new to this. And perhaps your 1st grandchild? Everyone wants to do their best by the new baby but nobody is sure what that is. We learn parenting skills on the job don't we. I do also think it is perfectly OK for your son to discuss his worries and concerns with you, whatever they are. He trusts you and respects your advice. He won't be able to have this chat down the pub will he? He just needs the same as you, pointing gently in the right direction with love and support. Being a new parent can be a very scary place, full of mixed advice which is often confusing, even from some 'professionals'. And it takes a little of time to settle into parenthood. And who has always got it right every time. We make mistakes and learn from them. As did I and every other parent. I wish your son and his family all the very best.

If this mum wants to stop breast feeding then that is what she must do! If you are able to speak to your son tell him the baby has benefitted from a month of mum's milk. Remind him that a happy baby needs a happy mum - good luck !

Pump lol

Op

Tell your son to use a pimp every 2-3 hours during the say and once a night, for a week

Let's see how lazy he is

How rich, a man classifying a woman, his partner, of lazy when she doesn't do anything he wants!

Your son can go to the doctor and be given pills so he can lactate

I would call out OP's son and tell him to support his partner

Unless, it is scenario no. 2 and the mother is not breastfeeding due to family pressure, bad doctors' advice...
Still shame on your son