Son is troubled about partner stopping breast feeding

Me too Callistemon and I'll never forget how relieved and somewhat surprised I was when the ward sister, a great advocate of breast feeding, came along with a little bottle of formula and popped in into DS little mouth.

Callistemon21

And, as I struggled with breastfeeding DC1, I feel sorry for that young mother.

I moved from bottle feeding to breastfeeding. My family encouraged bottle feeding as a young parent and had me convinced I couldn't produce the perfect blend of nutrients formula can.

I did then move to breastfeeding and my goodness, even with expert support, those first weeks were incredibly painful.

I never had a great supply and my whole life was turned to pumping in between feeds, watching my diet and fluid... not to mention the hours as a human dummy, the growth spurts, cluster feeding...

It's not lazy to say, i can't do this anymore when there is an alternative

I second your last para VS. I can’t imagine how awful it must be to have your chosen method of feeding your baby discussed and criticised, and a grandparent saying they ‘feel sad’ about it. It’s nobody’s decision, or business, but the mother’s.

I think if my DS had even suggested that DDIL was being lazy when she had a month-old baby, I'd have had a quiet but very firm word in his ear.
He wouldn't have done, though.

There is nothing inherently challenging about being a grandparent.

It's a support role.

The challenges are faced by the parents and the grandparents have the option to give the support that is needed or wanted or not too as autonomous adults.

Having expectations that aren't met by the parents is a self created challenge and not attached to the role itself. As is getting overly involved in the parents relationships and parenting decisions.

Anyone who is finding their role as a grandparent challenging would indeed need advice as its not a role that should be challenging as long as the parents are able to fulfill their role as primary care givers...

As most comments state, the grandparent role should not be a role that comments on a mother's choice to breastfeed or where she and baby live, especially as the OP states she is mothering well.

And, as I struggled with breastfeeding DC1, I feel sorry for that young mother.

Callistemon21

I think my DP followed all those rules, Violetsky except the first one.
They stayed for a month.

There was no paternity leave in those days, DH was working very long hours and they made sure he was fed and watered too when he came home.
Their place seemed to be in the kitchen, cleaning, gardening seeing to visitors.

Mum would take the fretful baby when I'd had enough.

They Knew Their Place and we were very grateful.

That's truly wonderful

silverlining48

Breastfeeding is not for anyone to decide other than the mother. Your son should support his partner not criticise.
I found bf quite painful so stopped at 6 weeks. My decision.
Don’t get involved.

Good advice.
Bottle feeding can be a more relaxed experience for both mother and child.
Also means that dad can take his turn and bond with the baby.
Entirely up to the mother.

That's true Avalon and can feel guilty if for whatever reason they're unable to breast feed.

I think my DP followed all those rules, Violetsky except the first one.
They stayed for a month.

There was no paternity leave in those days, DH was working very long hours and they made sure he was fed and watered too when he came home.
Their place seemed to be in the kitchen, cleaning, gardening seeing to visitors.

Mum would take the fretful baby when I'd had enough.

They Knew Their Place and we were very grateful.

Not all mums can breast feed. Having to use a breast pump sounds as if there is a problem. Not all babies latch on, some are slightly tongue tied. The important thing is that baby gets the necessary nourishment so if baby can’t breast feed for whatever reason formula is the answer. It may not be that mum is lazy and doesn’t want to breast feed. Maybe she can’t.I’m not sure it is appropriate for your ds to be discussing this with his mum. He needs to support his wife. No wonder new mums get post natal depression.

As I posted, we see here on GN GP's seeking advice especially when they're GP's for the first time. There's nothing wrong or any shame in a GP finding their new role a challenge; quite the opposite I'd have thought.

VioletSky

It's easy

Never be a guest in a home with a new baby. Take lunch, make your own tea

Tell them no tidying for your visit, you are visiting them, not the house

Don't focus all your attention on baby

Don't have expectations about babysitting or alone time with baby, wait until asked

Consult parents on gifts for baby to ensure need and use

Give the baby back to mum if fussing unless mum gives you the baby asking for help with fussing

No unsolicited advice

Listen and support, don't side with arguments

Be grandma and mum, not a challenge

Excellent list!

To your last point: there is no challenge to GP - they're done being baby parents. Not GP circus, nor their monkey.

More common sense really

There you go VS advice for a first time GP should it be needed.

It's easy

Never be a guest in a home with a new baby. Take lunch, make your own tea

Tell them no tidying for your visit, you are visiting them, not the house

Don't focus all your attention on baby

Don't have expectations about babysitting or alone time with baby, wait until asked

Consult parents on gifts for baby to ensure need and use

Give the baby back to mum if fussing unless mum gives you the baby asking for help with fussing

No unsolicited advice

Listen and support, don't side with arguments

Be grandma and mum, not a challenge

As we often see here on GN VS, the challenge for some GP's is knowing the best way to offer help and support when a new baby arrives without being overbearing, especially with the first grand child.

Given he shouldn't have told you anything about his distress, at least he is set right now and fully supportive. Well done him.

I believe I'd promise myself 'no more discussions about dil' and leave that to dil's mum. Son talking to mum about wife is not good, to my view.

ThespiGran

Hello
This has been a learning curve indeed. The comments on here although painful to read, have made me ask my son if he has said this to her face. He hasnt and has apologised for what he said to me. My son has recently been diagnosed with Adhd. There are also other issues he is dealing with. Just wanted to give a bit more context. This is a difficult time for all of us. As well as a wonderful time. There are mountains ahead to climb.

Oh it does sound difficult but everything will work itself out, it generally does

As you say, it's her body. Maybe advise your son to be more supportive of the Mother of his child

Thespigran you're right that it's up to your DiL how she feeds the baby. I'm glad your son has altered his attitude, after you spoke with him.
He needs to support his wife, not criticise her.

Perhaps your son is unsure simply because he knows very little about babies. You can reassure him that there are all sorts of differences in baby-care and that everything is fine as long as baby is making progress.

There is absolutely no reason for a new baby to be challenging for new grandparents unless those grandparents aren't staying out of others decisions about where they live, how they feed or otherwise how they parent.

If mum finds out about these conversations, it could not only damage the relationship with the partner, it could easily all be blamed on the grandparent when dad says he was taking advice from a more experienced adult.

Tread carefully with what you advise about these things and how you get involved in AC parenting decisions and relationships, you may drive them further together and end up out in the cold yourself

Just read your second post! It would have helped to know that your son has just been diagnosed with ADHD in your first post,as it reads as if he is uncaring hence why posters are thinking he’s not being supportive. Sorry to hear this, I’m glad he hasn’t said anything to her, hope things work out

I'm glad that your son hasn't said this to his wife ThespiGran His apology to you suggests that he realises he was wrong. This is a challenging time as it is for all new parents and new grand parents too.

Jeez I’ve heard it all now! Poor lady! My heart goes out to her , your son sounds very unsupportive. Your son is very distressed!!!! He says she’s tired and lazy! Well how about giving his partner some support then instead of criticising her. You are not going to talk to her about it, well I should think not, not your baby, but I will speak to my son, well I’m pleased to hear you think she’s a caring mum, I would be deeply ashamed if any of my sons found fault of their partner like this, poor lady