Son is troubled about partner stopping breast feeding

I apologise if I was sharp in my response but I was truly shocked that anyone should even think that a woman who has just given birth and was struggling with breastfeeding is lazy and tired.

Tired yes - but lazy? Surely not?

She has tried but can't manage it so it's better for the baby to have a mother who is bottle feeding and therefore more relaxed.

Please advise your son to support his partner. He should never be calling her lazy. Being a new mum is exhausting and overwhelming.

It's never always been possible for women to breastfeed. Before formula the rich got a wetnurse and the poor a goat.

What matters is that the baby is loved.

Not where they live

Not how they are fed

Please tread very carefully, new mums are at strong risk of PND and this judgement of her from such close family members could have a huge impact on their relationship, your relationship and her mental health.

It all sounds like a difficult living situation and we don't know how much the mum has been influenced by her mum, who may have 'views' on breastfeeding or bottle-feeding that she has discussed with her. Your son now sounds contrite about his behaviour and hopefully things will settle down as mum finds her routine and starts to get her strength back. Just tell him to be supportive as much as he can.

That poor woman, thank goodness she has supportive parents with you two colluding against her. Her Body Her Wishes

Congratulations on becoming a Grandmother.💐

It must be difficult trying to breast-feed with the other Grandparnts around.
It is a learning period for all of you.
Babies don't come with instruction manuals for parents or Grandparents -so the saying goes.

I feel for that young woman.

I agree with Callistamon.
He says. shes lazy.
Perhaps he should do more instead of criticising.
It is not him who has spent 9 months pregnant and nurturing then given birth.

I'd be ashamed to have brought up a son who treated the mother of his child so critically and talked about like that her to others.

Now the baby is not breast fed perhaps he can do the 10pm, 2am and 6am feeds then his wife can get a few good nights' sleep.

I never even tried to breastfeed my much loved and wanted 3 DDs.

They have all been fine. I have close relationships with them all.

ThespiGran

Thank you so much for your sensetive and considered reply. My son has fed his son since the day he was born. With the breast pump. He has also told me that he is getting advice from his friends girlfriend who has two children and is in the field.
I felt very critisized by some women on here. But not by you. I wish I hadnt posted now. Its a real skill yo be empathic online. So thank you for your diplomacy.

Who has criticised you? The only person I have seen criticised is your son, and rightly so for the comments he has made. I see you have started another thread saying you have been ‘scolded’. I really don’t understand how you can feel that.

Hello
This has been a learning curve indeed. The comments on here although painful to read, have made me ask my son if he has said this to her face. He hasnt and has apologised for what he said to me. My son has recently been diagnosed with Adhd. There are also other issues he is dealing with. Just wanted to give a bit more context. This is a difficult time for all of us. As well as a wonderful time. There are mountains ahead to climb.

My thoughts exactly Bluebelle. Your son should be supporting his wife ThespiGran, not judging and criticising her because she no longer wants to breast feed. Him feeding his son by using a breast pump, is nothing like a mother having her baby at her breast.

He needs to listen to his wife not his friends girlfriend.

and talked about like that her to others.
And talked about her like that to others^.

He says. shes lazy and tired

Perhaps he should do more instead of criticising.
It is not him who has spent 9 months pregnant and nurturing then given birth.

I'd be ashamed to have brought up a son who treated the mother of his child so critically and talked about like that her to others.

Now the baby is not breast fed perhaps he can do the 10pm, 2am and 6am feeds then his wife can get a few good nights' sleep.
🙂

I feel so sorry for your sons partner with all this going on behind her back . How dare your son criticise her for stopping breast feeding , it’s her body and her choice , not every mother takes to breastfeeding like a duck to water . As to calling her tired and lazy , well , shame that he couldn’t have given birth and do all the breastfeeding that comes with newborn , how would he have managed . I wouldn’t think of saying anything to the new mum , my anger would be directed towards the son , he should be supporting his parter not saying awful things behind her back , after all , she is the one who went through nine months of pregnancy, most probably a very painful labour , to be able to gift him a child . How thoughtless & disrespectful your son is !

Thank you so much for your sensetive and considered reply. My son has fed his son since the day he was born. With the breast pump. He has also told me that he is getting advice from his friends girlfriend who has two children and is in the field.
I felt very critisized by some women on here. But not by you. I wish I hadnt posted now. Its a real skill yo be empathic online. So thank you for your diplomacy.

I think you need to tell your son in no uncertain terms that giving birth to a baby is hard, and recovery can be slow and steady, coupled with the care of a demanding new born. He needs it pointing out that it is his jiob to support his wife as they manage this process NOT accuse her behind her back of being lazy ...HE is being selfish , shortsighted and completely lacking empathy and you are the one who could tell him that. Then support him as he thinks about what HE can do to make this recovery and new parenthood time better for them both and baby!!!

All should be supportive and it is the mother's choice. Not the husband's. But it should never ever be the choice of the MIL - as a form of control. As said, both of us have come across many cases where that was the case.

Grrr! He needs to do all the night feeds for the next month and see if he feels a bit tired!!!!!!

MILs and Mothers should be supportive, as should partners, there is enough guilt to carry with us along the way without being made to feel bad about breast feeding, especially as the mother in question has tried her best.
As to being made to feel lazy! Words fail me.

I breastfed all of mine , mostly because I remembered my mum doing that with my sister , I was the only one in the nursing home breast feeding and the trainees used to come and ask questions ,
But I would never ever take anyone to task for stopping BF or not starting it
It’s entirely their choice , this Mum has done her best and should be supported , not criticised

I gaveup breast feeding my first baby after 4 difficult weeks, mostly because as a new mum, I was so anxious of doing everything wrong, it didn't help she had colic. I had no support and the health carers just kept
telling me to feed her some more, even though I kept protesting there was something wrong. Eventually I went to the doctors who immediately said she had colic and prescribed Merbentyl, this had an immediate effect and my baby settled. I was exhausted. With 2nd everything was so different. I was now experienced and confident and fed my baby for 9 months.

OK - this is what you must do. Tell him it is absolutely fine; that your DIL has provided all the colostrum needed and she is right to move on from the breast-feeding if she is needing to, from tiredness or whatever.

It is a fait-accompli and no amount of you colluding with his criticisms is going to change that.

The parents are buying a lot of the formula. The underlying implication is that the DIL's parents are doing the wrong thing, when in fact all they are doing is respecting her wishes and giving practical help by going shopping for her.

Never, never collude with an adult child in criticism of their partners [clearly this does not apply if abuse is involved] - this is the mother of your GC and she needs to be able to trust you and rely on your support - there are a lot of years ahead of you all and you need to make sure the relationships are sound, and that she is not always wondering what is being said behind her back.

This couple do not have an ideal start to parenthood as they clearly do not have a home of their own, and your job is to provide lots of positive support.

Simply tell your son not to worry about this and to simply enjoy being a Dad.

I’d honestly be telling your son off. He needs to support his partner, not be insulting her behind her back to you.

As to the fact that the OPs DiL is lazy I would say it is far more of an effort to make up bottles than to attach a baby to the breast.

I did not breast feed at all and my child was the healthiest in the class with very few days off school. It is the mother's choice and her choice alone. Leave the poor lady alone and let her enjoy her baby time without meddling. I would have been furious if someone had challenged my choice and told them to get lost. Apart from that my mum, dad and husband got a look in with the feeding too and my child now very much adult is one of the most balanced and happy people you could wish to meet. Each to their own, live and let live!

I find your post quite judgemental Franbern. Breast feeding should be a choice.
I breastfed both mine until they were fully weaned but it did not prevent me getting breast cancer so I thing the benefits for the mother are overrated.