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What’s going on ?

(10 Posts)
Horti Thu 12-Jan-23 20:13:22

My H has recently become very difficult
Could be lots of reasons from affairs to age
He is coercing our adult child to behave differently to me by putting me down etc and rubbishing what I thought was my good nature
This is very painful and is causing problems in many directions
It’s like a conspiracy which has been noted by friends
Any advise welcome
I’ve always done probably too much for my family without complaint now if I get more assertive they say I’m getting aggressive !!! As they’re not used to me sticking up for myself
It’s a dreadful mind game I’m
Not sure how to resolve

dogsmother Thu 12-Jan-23 20:18:19

Sounds like what is known these days as gaslighting. Is he ill or any of the other variables.
Stand your ground as quietly and with as much dignity as you can. And perhaps keep things documented……..just in case…..

Horti Fri 13-Jan-23 05:37:45

Thanks that makes sense
I’m not sure if there is any physical /mental issue here but seeking advise
It’s very unpleasant

Katie59 Fri 13-Jan-23 09:50:04

They are used to you being a doormat, devoting yourself to their needs, as you do when you have a family to care for and organize. Now you want to do more that you choose to do, they don’t like it when you push back on their opinions and choices.

I had a similar situation when the children left home, he didn’t like my choices, I didn’t like being put down, intimacy ceased, divorce followed. Most men don’t change.

Carenza123 Sat 14-Jan-23 08:38:36

I am sorry to hear of your husband’s changed behaviour. It could be beginning of dementia but whatever it is, it is miserable to feel undermined, also with adult children. Good idea to keep notes of behaviour and it just can’t be you, especially as friends have noted this change too. I would feel like calling him out on the changes. What does he hope to achieve? Is he having an affair?

MerylStreep Sat 14-Jan-23 09:08:02

I would confront the two of them together and tell them in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is going to stop Now
Tell them there’s no discussion to be had, they know what they’re doing and then leave the room.

Redhead56 Sat 14-Jan-23 09:28:16

I had similar behaviour with my first husband years ago. His treatment of me went from using me like a doormat to physical abuse he was having affairs. He thought life was greener on the other and was living a double life he ended up losing his family his job and home.

I divorced him my children were only little at the time they saw enough of his behaviour. When they were old enough they decided they didn’t want anything to do with him and haven’t since.

I can only say to you that you have to look after yourself. I don’t really understand why your adult child would be coerced into following this behaviour. You need a conversation and I hasten to add a good solicitor life is too short.

Horti Sun 15-Jan-23 18:35:38

Thanks for all your good advise
There is more to this than meets the eye
He’s always been difficult but let’s say manageable
He’s become much more aggressive and manipulative eg of our adult child
It’s behaviour I’ve seen before but much worse and I’m surprised our child has been coerced in this way to think so badly of me
I’m not sure what he’s saying behind my back
I’m seeking medical and other advise but your ideas are helpful
Could do without all this aggravation life’s too short

crazyH Sun 15-Jan-23 18:49:06

I am divorced. I feel my Ex has been feeding the children with a lot of negativity towards me. My daughter was always a Daddy’s girl. And very often, I can sense that antagonism towards me, even though he’s the one who cheated, and left . I suppose it’s tough on the children of divorced parents. What can I say ? Just look after yourself..

Horti Sun 15-Jan-23 19:41:35

In my case my relationship with our adult child was very good and he was nasty to them during childhood
I was trapped financially and unable to leave
He was jealous and spiteful about our good relationship
I think he’s trying to force things the other way by putting me down to them
It’s very odd and manipulative /false
However I found he was manipulative if his siblings in this way as a child setting them off against each other as jealous of their good relationship
Do men never grow up ???