Wife refuses to cook

You want home cooked food. She's not bothered. Do your own cooking.

I have asked twice what dishes the OP cooks. No response. I would expect such an expert cook, with all the spices he apparently has (but doesn’t name and criticises his wife for not using) to reel off a list of his delicious specialities. The only dishes he mentions are the ones his wife messes up.

Yes well, my husband cooked and loved it when we met and through most of our married life.

Now due to poor health he doesn't - even although he could do so occasionally and has said he wants to.

So far my attempts to suggest he should cook once a week or a fortnight have met with no success.

I have come to the conclusion that nagging him about it will only do harm, and as I can cook I do, and ask neither for his help cooking, washing up or shopping.

He does still shop when he feels up to it.

I leave the tasks I cannot do - repairs that require the use of tools, adjusting my bike brakes etc. I may later on have to learn to do them, but right now I wait for him to have a good day and tackle them.

I suggest you do the same.

I realise it doesn't seem fair, but life ain't always fair.

And honestly if my husband complained about the way I held a knife, sliced anything etc. as you apparently do, I would tell him he could b. well cook for himself, or otherwise clear out of the kitchen and leave me to it. It doesn't surprise me if this is your typical attitude that your wife has gone on strike.

So accept the way your marriage is now and probably will be, or sue for divorce if you really cannot live with her as the woman she has matured into.

If you still love each other it seems stupid to break up a good marriage over cooking or cleaning. If you don't love her any more, then you are probably better of, both of you, if you end the marriage now.

Wife refuses to cook

Well, shock horror!

I have read your posts twice now looking for something positive so I could give a kind and considered response.
You see it was a NY resolution of mine to be kinder.

Have you ever considered your wife is unhappy?
You come across as a pedantic control freak.

Also whilst I’m being harsh you really drone on and on, it’s tedious.

Find a good local takeaway and a cleaner.

I see that you have not posted before. Are you quite sure that this, your first very long and detailed venture into posting on gransnet, is not a tongue-in-cheek wind-up?
You may well have it in a nutshell!
That's certainly 15 minutes of my life I won't get back!

I don't think you are going to get the response you are hoping for OP.
If you take it in turns to provide meals and her "turn" is a tuna sandwich or a takeaway, so be it.
Has it ever occurred to you that she genuinely DOES NOT LIKE COOKING (sorry about the shouting capitals) and especially not for someone as self righteous and critical as you sound.
You come across as hypercritical and, frankly, controlling. There is no great virtue in cooking - food is food and those of us who enjoy it also enjoy expressing our love or friendship by providing it.
It's not the only way however.
As others have said, this is not about cooking is it?

4thtwin You obviously have far more interest than your wife - I agree with the others, find something she can do instead (and leave her to get on with it) and you manage the cooking.

Also as someone else said - relationships change, people change, you have to recognize it and adapt. You may not feel like you are lecturing her but it probably feels like it to her. Time to get your heads together and talk about what you both want.

You are coming across as hyper-critical, 4thtwin. It seems everything your wife does she does wrong or not good enough. If the reality is how it seems to be coming across in these posts, then I suspect she has just given up and is depressed. So here's something else you could do: stop nagging.

You want her to cook but then criticise what she cooks.

I'd still keep an eye on that knife ........
Just saying.

Cooking frozen peas without water would make them burn, not be hard and rubbery. Why fry pork chops in a deep fat fryer? I can’t believe your wife is as totally clueless and unobservant as you’re saying. As I asked before, what do you cook? Give us some examples.

So your wife cooks occasionally but not to your standards- drop it before it becomes a bigger marital problem than it is right now

Many people think they are great cooks, drivers, artists, etc, and other people do not agree
No big deal.

Yes, you are lecturing her
She has been cutting onions her way for decades, she doesn't need mansplaining how to do it

You even dissect what spices she uses! Jeez, give her a break.
I would have told you off a long time ago

Yes, you want your home to mimic the one you grew up with, with the kind of dishes you are used to

Yes, the FB seems excessive but a way to escape from this hostility?

This doesn't sound a good marriage to me, with so much constant conflict
You need to worry more how to make your marriage work and less what you want her to cook for you, your way

Fleurpepper

A friend was married to a man who chose to do all the cooking- and it suited them both. Then he became ill and was not able to do it- so she had to. For weeks he sat there tell her 'do it like this, no, not like that, etc'. As he was ill, she took deep breaths and got on with it. One day, she blew her top and said 'if I cook, I cook, I don't want or need your advice. And if you don't like it, your problem not mine'.

She waited far too long to say it imho, but ...

Again many unkind comments above. In a relationship, why should anyone just say 'don't like it' and refuse to share chores. Discuss it, and find a compromise of sorts. What will she do that you don't like doing, that will compensate.

It takes two to tango, and just because you like cooking, and she doesn't, does NOT mean it is automatically all up to you, day in, day out.

Like I've said, she will gladly tell anyone she's a great cook and how this is "her" kitchen yet in still the only spices she chooses to use are salt, pepper, or simple Lawry's seasoning on everything.

My wife made a dish for her job's pot luck a few years back. It was some sort of corn casserole. I come in from work and walked in on her with the whole kernel corn in the bowl of my Kitchenaid mixer with the whisk attachment installed. When I asked her what she was doing she said she had to puree it and the directions called for her to use a blender or food processor but she just wanted to use the mixer. When I showed her on the counter less than 2 feet away that we had both a food processor and a mixer she didn't even know there were there.

Yes, I like to cook. I love tastes, flavors, etc. But that doesn't mean I want to be the only cook in the house.

The other Sunday she did fry pork chops and when she brought my plate it was full of grease. Why? Because she took the pork chops straight out of the deep fryer and put it right on my plate. She didn't allow then to rest on a paper towel to drain. So now everything else on the plate was saturated in grease. Along with that she pulled a frozen bag of peas out of the freezer and put them in a pot with no water. When she cooked them they were hard and rubbery. She didn't think to put any water in them.

This is what I have to deal with. Again, if you ask her if she's a good cook she will tell you yes. That's like saying you're a great driver but always getting into wrecks.

Yes, I've read all the comments and even though I can't reply to each and everyone individually I'll try to touch on a few subjects here. No, maybe she doesn't like cooking and I can agree with that. However, don't call yourself a good cook then. A few years back we got into a discussion because I made the comment of "my kitchen" and she didn't like that at all. Several has suggested a redistribution of household chores and I have no problem with that. Other than cooking about the only thing my wife does is the laundry. No, I have no problem doing it but that's something she usually does. I'm responsible for handyman duties, car repairs, car washing, yard work, electrical, plumbing, etc. And with her doing the laundry that's about all she does. We have hard wood floors and she may vacuum the living room rug once every couple of weeks. Again I'm not saying that cleaning should be her job but there's a nice layer of dust on everything. I don't want to define anyone into a gender roll but if anything get done around her I feel like I'm the one to do it. Her life is her phone. There was a time once while she was cooking several years ago that she left food on the stove and went into the bedroom in another part of the house to play Bingo with her group of friends on Facebook. I walked into the kitchen and saw the pots unattended and went livid. Not only was that a fire hazard because when she gets into her bingo she can be gone a while. And in regards to her Facbook when she's driving she'll have Facebook open on her lap so she can stau up on the latest post. We'll be in church and she'll be scrolling through her timeline to see what someone has posted.

All the kids are gone so it's just the two of us. I just can't see myself telling her "from now on I'll cook for myself and you do for you." I'm not trying to pattern my house like my parents did, I just want her to take a little time, every now and then to cook a meal for me instead of me worrying about how something will taste for her. She'll do tacos one night and go to the store to get the ingredients and she'll forget to buy lettuce or shredded cheese. Or she knows I'm not a fan of hard taco shells but she'll come home with a box of hard El Paso shells. I like the soft tortillas but will always forgets to buy them.

And when it comes to us cooking together I'm no standing over her with a ruler ready to crack her knuckles anytime she does something wrong. But if I make the suggestion, "let me show you how to slice then onion", "hold the knife this way and let the blade do the work" or even "curl your fingers under so you don't cut yourself" then that comes across as lecturing.

Last night she did make tuna fish sandwiches but she didn't drain the juice off the tuna when she opened the can. I love her but I would rather not be in a relationship with someone who you can't say anything to ever. I'm just supposed to leave her be and let her do things the way she wants however, she's constantly telling me how I need to improve.

I would be interested to know what dishes you cook?

A friend was married to a man who chose to do all the cooking- and it suited them both. Then he became ill and was not able to do it- so she had to. For weeks he sat there tell her 'do it like this, no, not like that, etc'. As he was ill, she took deep breaths and got on with it. One day, she blew her top and said 'if I cook, I cook, I don't want or need your advice. And if you don't like it, your problem not mine'.

She waited far too long to say it imho, but ...

Again many unkind comments above. In a relationship, why should anyone just say 'don't like it' and refuse to share chores. Discuss it, and find a compromise of sorts. What will she do that you don't like doing, that will compensate.

It takes two to tango, and just because you like cooking, and she doesn't, does NOT mean it is automatically all up to you, day in, day out.

You ask is there anything you can do. I answer yes there is something: accept that your wife hates cooking.

Is there some other chore she could do (or in fact does do already – bed changing, laundry, other housework – so that you wouldn't feel it was unfair for you to do all the cooking?

Also, if you can afford take-away food and like it, what's the problem?

Maybe your wife really doesn't enjoy cooking anymore and you guys could sit down and negotiate a trade of chores.
After 30+ years of cooking for my family, now they have grown and flown, I admitted to my husband that I was sick to death of cooking, planning, preparing meals and could quite happily live off sandwiches.
He has taken the role of head chef, and I'm the laundry queen and we muddle along with everything else.
It's bloody bliss.

"I've even offered for us to cook together and she hates that because when I try to show her anything then she gets all in her feelings saying I'm just lecturing her. I'm surprised she hasn't cut herself by the way she holds a knife."

🤔

Do you mean like a dagger?
I wouldn't keep trying to encourage her to cook if I were you.

My son does all the cooking his wife doesn’t cook. However, my DIL does all the electrical and handyman stuff round the house.
Your wife doesn’t want to cook. Like others have said so either you do all the cooking or you just cook for yourself and not her. Can’t see how that would help a marriage though.

Do what we did years ago, once the kids were no longer with us. Cook your own meals. If the other person can afford take-outs, then leave them to it. You have what you want when you want it. My OH often doesn't enjoy what I choose and invariably will make something for himself. He rarely eats takeaways but often takes me out for a meal. I simply can't relate to your problem and why it would be such an issue.

Who chooses all the food in the freezer? A cook not only cooks, he also chooses the ingredients.

Either your wife dislikes cooking, or she dislikes what you have chosen for her to cook.

Your household is not your mom's household. Your wife is not your mom. Either eat what your wife chooses to cook, or cook your own food.

Have you deprived your growing child of green vegetables ?

You cook and your wife wash up ?

Madgran77

I think you need to

1. Accept she dislikes cooking
2. Batch cook yourself and fill the freezer
3. Make meal plans for a week and shop accordingly, no big fuss, just do it
4. Plan in occasional take away meals to your meal plan
5. IF she decides to cook when the pressure on this issue is off, accept it with grace , adjust the meal plan and move on
6. Stop being fixated on your idea if sharing the cooking, it won't work

The usual complaint about this type of situation is that the wife does all the cooking, after she comes home from work, having shopped on the way and carted the ingredients back, while the husband sits down with a drink to recover from his work.

I see that you have not posted before. Are you quite sure that this, your first very long and detailed venture into posting on gransnet, is not a tongue-in-cheek wind-up?

Assuming for now that you are serious, I would advise you to take to heart Madgran's post. You could just accept that you are the cook and plan and execute meals accordingly, or you could keep taking turns, and batch cook when it is your turn, leaving her to just take out of the freezer the "ready meal" you have already made and put it in the oven or the microwave. There is a challenge for you here - what to make that will reheat well, taste good and contribute to a healthy diet.

And stop mansplaining to her how to hold a knife and do other cheffy things. If she hasn't listened to your lectures for 20 years, she isn't going to start now. Does she lecture you on exactly how to do all the chores that she is better at than you are? If she had belittled everything you did for 20 years, how keen would you be to submit to another ear-bending?

I'm sure she made the initial agreement in good faith: however in the complex circumstances you describe:

I think you should do what my son and Daughter in Law do:

my son always cooks, he's good at it and likes it well enough, and she has undertaken considerable other areas of home responsibility like house cleaning and other home management things.

People, situations change: I think if you wish to get on better terms and keep the relationship, you need to adapt.

It has become a "control thing", it would seem, and if you can't get out of it you will both just suffer.