Stuck in relationship with distant man

I just wanted to update you lovely GNers. It took me a couple of goes but I’m rid of him; I saw him tonight and wanted to give him a second chance (I know that’s pathetic) but he behaved SO badly. The evening ended up with him throwing my belongings all over the stairs and I’m glad he did it because I know if he’s capable of that, he’s capable of anything 😔 I’ve blocked him so I need to stay strong. Sad because our dogs got on so well but hopefully my boy can make new friends. I felt scared of him and now I know why.

LaCrepescule

So much wisdom here and thank you for such a lovely long post choughdancer.

You are very welcome LaCrepescule! I wish you the very best for the future .

All these red flags op. He sounds awful
.what are you waiting for, he’s not going to change,you wish for peace but how are you going to get it with this man! Get out now!

Find a group to walk your dog with so you won't be tempted to go back to him for that.

Get out and no don’t take Ums advice to meet for dog walks that will NEVER work you must make a completely clean break

You can’t hang on to someone because you might get ill and need looking after that’s the daftest reason I ve ever heard ….where is your self worth ?

You can be happy alone many, many of us on here can be testament to that and once you are on your own build up your self esteem go to some groups or even try some counselling build up your girl friends these along with your family
( daughter) will be the ones to look after you if you get ill in the future not some cold bloke who likes to be in control of a woman

Sparklefizz

Jaylou One thing, as you have been together so long, you may have included him in your will, if so make sure you amend it and remove his name.

OP has only been with him for 16 months.

My comment may be relevant to the OP, or may help someone else as a reminder to change their will. There is no set timescale on adding people into your will.

Grandmabatty

That is a huge red flag. Run, skip away. Don't walk, don't stay. Find that strong independent woman and bin him

Agree, he is controlling. Get out now.

Wise daughter. You need to work on your dependency issues. You don't need this man.

Because I think he's pretty dodgy and he want to marry her but is emotionally cold after being affectionate at first and is likely to be manipulative and I think no contact is best anything else .....the "Game" will just continue.

Best draw a line. After saying he wants to marry her how will suggesting "just dog walking together" ever be a good idea? Just another chance to get under the O/P's skin.

So much wisdom here and thank you for such a lovely long post choughdancer.

"Honestly, Caleo that's a dodgy road x (been there, done that)" wrote Wylloe3

Interesting! I never did that but was in the same danger as LaCrepescule and wished I HAD done that. I am intrigued as to what happened to you!

I feel you want someone to tell you to leave but it is your decision. I hope you make the right one.

Just meet as friends for your dog walks.
Perfect.

Wyllow3

Honestly, Caleo that's a dodgy road x (been there, done that)

I think this is right. You sound like a lovely person, LaCrepescule; and therefore more vulnerable to being treated badly; thrown back into the water and then reeled in slightly every time you pull away; feeling it is your fault. It's good to see that you are ready to break it off, but I predict a HUGE effort on his part of reeling in when you try!

You will be much more content when you no longer have him in your life. I have had a very similar experience, and now feel much better being alone and responsible for myself. I live alone and have three long-term illnesses (Type 1 diabetes, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and depression; I've also had cancer twice) and many people have worse I know. Just imagine being dependent upon someone with no understanding of your feelings, no empathy and with this controlling aspect to their character; I can't imagine anything worse! Your daughter sounds supportive; perhaps she could listen to your fears of illness living on your own, and may have suggestions.

Free writing might help you. You sit down with a pen and paper and start writing without any care or preparation; just write whatever comes into your head. You can give yourself a time (a minute to start with?), and I think you will be amazed at what comes up from your unconscious self! Maybe try some meditation tracks (try Ihttps://insighttimer.com/ or www.youtube.com/results?search_query=daily+calm+10+minute+meditation; there are many other free ones online). Whatever it takes, regain some self-esteem; You're Worth It! Then make the break however you can.

You will need to be super firm about leaving; please don't be reeled in again! He will try expressions of love, deep apologies; saying he can't live without you when he sees he can't control you any more. Toss back his hook and line and swim away!

Honestly, Caleo that's a dodgy road x (been there, done that)

You have all the answers you need, already, LaCrepescule - you’ve listed them in your posts on this thread. Listen to those answers, listen to your inner voice - move away from this person, who it seems to me is controlling you quite passive aggressively. You’re worth more than this.

Bonne chance and courage.

HousePlantQueen

Walk away, there really is nothing more to add.

This LeCrepuscule (it is 'le' not 'la' btw).

Walk away, there really is nothing more to add.

Can you not just downgrade the relationship to a practical sort of platonic friendship where you exchange occasional useful services but without any emotional bonding?

Emotional bonding is dangerous without good reason to trust. Your friend does not make you happy but he may still be a good enough unemotional friend.

If you get ill he may be just the help you need. You don't have to be his lover or his wife to get practical help from him, or to help him. He has even said he likes being needed.

Too many red flags here. I’m also 65 and am now in my 7th year of being single after being with someone - and married - for virtually 30 years. I have no children and am aware that as time goes by I may become frailer and in need of more help than I am now. I also know that had I still been married I wouldn’t have had the support and care of my then husband, as all he thought about was himself. I am very fortunate to have good friends and family members who care about me. I embrace my independence and have no intention of getting involved with another man again. In your shoes, I’d ask myself what exactly this relationship is doing for you. It’s also very easy for this man to look after you when you’re ill, but this may be a ‘pre-marriage’ act; things could very well change the minute you married him. I really value the much more peaceful life I have now.

You have all been so kind in giving me your opinions, which are all spot on. Luckygirl, you really seemed to understand my predicament and what I must do. And I’m glad I asked “strangers” Aggie; because you don’t seem like strangers to me. Gransnet is a community and I feel very much part of it 🙏🙏🙏 I must now really find the courage to end it. I’ve already moved all my stuff out of his house and returned the ring notgran. And clear and unemotional I must be!

Why are you dithering? ? Why ask strangers ?

Throw this one back. You, re worth more.

Run for the hills LeCrepescule or just hop on the bus Guss😌 and save yourself a lifetime of soul sapping, time wasting misery.