Stuck in relationship with distant man

You are NOT stuck- go now before you do get stuck-

In your position, I would first, without any comment to him, make sure you have nothing of yours in his home which would give him an excuse to contact you. Then parcel up anything of his in your home and send it back to him by Recorded Delivery along with the engagement ring. Within the parcel send a letter saying the engagement and friendship is over as you have changed your mind and not to contact you again. This part of your message was so interesting "I’m feeling more and more unhappy and all attempts at communicating my needs to him have failed. He always ends up telling me I’m being emotional (of course I am!) and shuts down the conversation. Last night I was staying at his but ended up going home because I was getting the cold shoulder" He doesn't want to communicate with you about your needs. He tells you, you are emotional, well you must not be emotional. Be perfectly clear and unemotional, you don't need this toxic individual in your life. End of.

Oldbat1

Why/how do people get themselves in these predicaments? I would definitely call a halt. Life is too short.

Things happen and before you know it you are stuck in something and before long you think - how the hell did I get here?

Lucky you if this has never happened to you.

You are not "stuck" with him - you have agency, you have choice.

You are choosing to stay with him out of fear of being alone. I can understand that fear, but need it be quelled at such high cost?

Gather up your self-esteem, remember the "contented independent woman" you were and invite her back in. You can do it.

Jaylou One thing, as you have been together so long, you may have included him in your will, if so make sure you amend it and remove his name.

OP has only been with him for 16 months.

You could end up having to nurse him, whilst he tries to control you, what then. Just call it a day millions of people live on their own and you have a lovely concerned daughter.

I think you are a convenient tool for him to massage his ego as and when he wants.
Get out now, move on and start living your life your way.

Run for the hills as quick as you can 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

I agree with all the good advice about leaving, and getting this burden off your shoulders.
One thing, as you have been together so long, you may have included him in your will, if so make sure you amend it and remove his name.
Good Luck and have a rosy future

Adding my voice to agree with the others.
Your daughter doesn’t like him either and she knows him, clearly you are unhappy, it’s up to you to decide what you must do. Good luck.

Why/how do people get themselves in these predicaments? I would definitely call a halt. Life is too short.

He sounds narcissistic.. Be VERY wary, this will not have a happy outcome in my opinion.. as others have said it is a big red flag this hot/cold behaviour

LaCrepescule age is irrelevant if you haven't come across a man like this before. I felt the same, how can an old feminist like me be taken in.......

Take your courage in both hands LaCrepescule and let this relationship go. A peaceful life is a blessing, take it from one who knows. You have your daughter to support you so go ahead and good luck.

Yes thank you all, I need to find a way to finally break free. It feels slightly ridiculous that st my age, I don’t trust my instincts better. My daughter doesn’t like him either and is frustrated with me that I continue seeing him.

Wise words from Maya Angelou MerylStreep thank you for reminding me of them.

He's controlling so get the heck away from him, I'd rather be alone than put up with that. All of us who are on their own always have a worry of getting sick, how would we cope, but you say you have lovely daughter so you aren't alone. Don't depend on this man to be your carer, there's more to life, get your independence back.

So many red flags you could make a set of bed linen! Come on, run away now. I think you know deep down what would happen if you don’t leave him. Nightmare.

You say he wants to spend more time with you but he is cold. It's sounds like a total contradiction he doesn't know what he wants. In fact it's very immature behaviour.
It's unfortunate you are insecure about your health and future. You need to focus on you and what you really want.
You don't seem convinced that the relationship is going to work so end it.

You really don't deserve to be treated like this and are worth so much more. The only person who can give you permission to fulfil your joy and happiness is you. I think you put your finger on it when you said you had a happy life up to meeting him. Be your own person, do your thing, hone in on what brings you joy, peace and fulfilment in your inner soul. Be at peace with yourself. None of us are getting any younger and we deserve to be mistresses/masters of our own happiness.

LaCrepescule

You're right Grandmabatty and what's weird is that when I'm unwell he just loves looking after me because he says he likes me being dependent on him!

This show all signs of someone with a degree of personality disorder. Hook em in, then when you are, and you wonder if you can do without him, he can be cold and that's controlling.

Get out, LaCrepescule. You will find its far harder feeling lonely but with someone than alone and starting to find your own strengths and resources. I had to, I did. (yes with circs of unwellness)

Just do it: he might try and hook you back in by turning affectionate again if you reject him: more warning signs.

As Maya Angelou said: when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

How many more red flags do you want OP? You have invested 16 months of your life and probably don’t want to let go as those months will seem ‘a waste’. Hmm. Better now to cut your losses than hope this leopard will change his spots. Clue: he won’t.

It's all I wish for, not joy or happiness even. Just peace.

There’s your answer. Peace is a precious thing.