Happy for them, sad for me

My daughter and sil and first granddaughter emigrated to oz 9 years ago it’s blooming hard even though I had my other dd and gd 5 minutes away. You get used to making it work my dd would sit on the beach whilst I’d sit on my sofa and we’d face time for an hour catching up then another time my local dd and family would do the same. They say it takes 2 years to settle and get over the home sickness. I visited 4 times for a month each time and went at Christmas once. I used to buy duplicate books and send one to my gd then she’d have one in bed and I’d face time and read her the story from my book. You think of all ways to make it work. My 2 nd gd was born out there. Then one day after 9 years they decided they wanted to come home and they now live 5 minutes away from me. They miss there friends and live style and tbh I loved it out there to, but there home is here for good now.

Thanks, Bluecat, so true! We are really blessed to have our DD and her family very close to us, just a couple of minutes drive away

I understand how you feel. Our elder DD emigrated with her husband and four kids to the USA several years ago and we have only seen them once since then. They visited at the beginning of 2020, for my DD's work, and we spent a very happy week with them. They were supposed to be coming back later that year but we were in lock down by then. They are keen for us to visit them and have offered to buy our tickets but my DH's health isn't good enough at the moment. And, to be honest, the price of insurance scares me, as we're old and have health issues.

However, modern technology does help. You don't even need to be formal about it, ie calling at a set time, etc. My DD and I chat to each other via video calls on Messenger, and usually a grandchild or two will drift by to say hello. It's not like being in the same room but it's a hell of a lot better than just voice calls and letters.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about crying and feeling sad. You're grieving. It's a big adventure for them but, for the people left behind, it feels like an empty hole in your life. People will tell you to be happy for them because they have moved for a better life, blah, blah, blah - as parents, we know that and we're happy that our kids are happy, but it doesn't stop us feeling bereft. If you want to cry, then cry.

I put on a brave face when I talked to my family, before and after they went, but in private I howled. I also ate peanut butter straight out of the jar. Somehow it helped.

It never stops hurting but you get used to it. It becomes bearable, although sometimes something will open up the wound. My family recently got American citizenship. They say it is just a formality, as they now have dual nationality, but it still hurt. My eldest DGD just got engaged. I don't know if we'll be able to go to her wedding and, if she has children, our DGGC will be far away.
These thoughts are painful but, most of the time, you learn to live with them.

The best advice I can give you is to cherish what is still here. Our younger DD lives near us with her three lovely children. We feel so lucky to have them in our lives practically every day. You have family who are still here. You will find that they are a huge source of comfort.

Thank you all for the wonderful and supportive comments

Can I just say Thank-you on behalf of your son and wife? We moved from Gloucestershire to Devon and my Mum said 'Oh you must go' then spent the next 18 years of her life making me feel guilty for leaving...your family will truly appreciate your ongoing support. Knowing you are there will be hard for them too, but after adjusting I hope seeing their happiness will increase yours xx Much love x

We have already booked to go there in September. We'll be away 3 weeks in total but will spend a week with them (not in their house, will stay in an apartment close by), then a week travelling and seeing some great sights, then a week back near them

Dogsjj not sure if this is related to a separation of adult kids, ir just general tiredness? I can just share that post Covid it took me until now, 7 months out, to get my energy levels even remotely back to where they were....
I still take a short nap midday which helps a lot (and I'm "only" 64!)

I am 79 and finding coping with every day tasks increasingly hard. Luckily I have a super fit husband who is happy to help out, it it makes me feel increasingly redundant though. Does a anyone else feel like this, or is it perhaps a health problem I should chase up. I feel very well, just so, so tired. All comments welcomed.

You are not alone. Many families are geographically separated. It is so hard and you have my empathy on this one - Australia is SO far away.

Nothing like holding your grandchild. Face timing is simply not the same. Make it a goal to get yourself there before baby grows up. Start saving for that airline now. It will happen.

Surely your Son will bring the family home to you too on occasion. It will happen.
Time goes very fast.
Cheers!
USA Gundy
(PS - how about vacationing in the US? That’s kind of a halfway point for travel)

Yes, the early days of them leaving are so hard! My solution was to keep busy, long walks and as much face time etc., even reading stories, bathtime fun, and baking on both sides with them. We are lucky to be able to go there every year and they do have a great life. Lots of sports, friends and working hard - they love it.

I’ve been at both ends of this dilemma….whe we were in our early 30’s we took ourselves and two very young children to Canada - for a three year period with my husband’s job - but we never returned to live in England again. It broke my parents hearts and I believe led to my mum’s death just two years later.

But our grown up kids - and our five grandchildren have benefitted so much from wonderful opportunities and some great experiences in their young lives - growing up in a country with relatively good educational opportunities and carefree summers enjoying the great outdoors that Canada offers.

And although I have regrets that our children didn’t have the pleasure of having their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins living close by, I know our decision to leave England all those years ago has culminated in a better quality of life for all of us.

Nicolenet: I am surprised an adult child moving to Australia would be your "worst nightmare". For me a much worse nightmare would be my children feeling they had to stay close to me in order to keep ME happy while being miserable themselves! And a much worse nightmare, heaven forbid, would be if one of my children or GCs were seriously ill.
I know you meant it kindly and thanks for saying you feel for me, but I am trying hard to keep a sense of proportion.
Yes I am sad, but I am happy for them (hence the title of this thread)...

My DS and his family went to live in Dubai 5 years ago, it was tough at first as my granddaughter was a tiny baby, (I do have 2 other sons fairly close by), however the time I now spend with them there and when they visit home is delightful, it doesn’t quite make up for it but it goes a long way

I am in a similar position and can understand how hard it is. My son moved to Australia 10 years ago now as my DiL wanted to go home once she had a baby. Her parents had bought the house next door to them “just in case she wanted to go home”. It took my son almost a year to find a job there. They have 2 children now and we saw them once a year until covid.
I really identify with those who get irritated when people tell you how lucky you are to have such lovely holidays. I do sometimes say that I’d rather have them here than holidays in Australia. I recognise that they can only live in one place but I really miss my son. He lived in London for some years before he went so I was used to not seeing him but Australia is a different ball game. I know that whenever we see them they are very pleased to see us so it could be much worse. You do get used to it but the ache is always there. Someone told me to always know when you will see them again as that helps. Best wishes.

That would be my worst nightmare. I feel for you x

In 1930s my mum, youngest of 8 children, moved to York from Norfolk when she married my dad. Dad was a gardener and mum couldn't afford to go back to see her mum,dad, sisters/brothers. No phones so they just wrote letters to each other (which I have, I'm 72). Nothing changes except the distance.

Very difficult for you, thank goodness your DD lives nearby. I agree with the poster who suggested sending little gifts through the post and would suggest funny letters and postcards too. Children still love seeing their name on an envelope or postcard, maybe a few very British images, or funny ones. Look forward to a trip out there when you can visit. Intense but more spaced out visits are different to short regular ones, but don't negate the chance of forging good relationships.

How I feel for you! My brother emigrated 42 years ago and my mum never really got over it but she visited when she could afford it!
We are gearing up for partner’s son, daughter in law and 2 grand daughters going to Australia in the next couple of years! They are convinced it will be better for the girls ! Trouble is we are getting older and it is an expensive option for visits!
At least we all have FaceTime instead of waiting for blue airmails!!
It does get easier ! You need to grieve as it is a loss

I do think it’s more tricky when a couple are from different countries because one of them will always be far away from their own family and country. Your DiL is now with her family Phillipa but your son is far away from his, whilst previously your son was near his family, but your DiL far away from hers. It cannot be solved because one partner will always be away from their family. It also tricky because your little granddaughter hasn’t had time to build a relationship with you, but you must try to do this through the various methods others have mentioned, so that when you go out there, you will not be a stranger to her.

I lived in NZ for 3 years after meeting my husband. I was always upset about something and just couldn’t settle even though I had friends in the ex-pat community. One day I just said I was coming home either by myself or not. Luckily my husband came with me and I have never regretted coming back once.
I think that at first you think it’s better and a much better life but it’s the same as where you were, get up, work, come home, cook, clean bed, repeat.
I think that your DiL may be happy being back for a while but then she will miss the quality of education, be upset at the prices, hate having to pay through the nose for medical and dental.
If I were in your shoes I would be upset too and I would feel a bit jealous. You sound like such a lovely lady and you are handling it so well. I think they may come back in the future. I hope in the meantime you are able to travel over for visits.

oops hour and half from Dulwich

Philippa, you were lucky to see so much of them while they were in the UK and to see the remaining one. One of my daughters, with 6 yr old grandson, lives in Dulwich and the other with 7 yr old daughter and 16 yr old son lives in Highgate, both London. I live half an hour from Highgate and an hour and half from Watford and saw them all on Christmas Day in Dulwich. That was lovely but now I no longer baby sit in Highgate, since lockdown, I never see that granddaughter, unless occasionally mum lets me take her shopping if she needs new things. I don't see the Dulwich grandson either as the drive is a lot for me and all of them are very busy. Both daughters work full time. I'd love to see them more.

My daughter moved to Australia 10 years ago, I do miss her terribly but I am going soon for my third trip and she has visited a few times, we have quality time together when we do meet up and speak every day on FB messenger, whatsapp etc. best thing you can do is plan a nice holiday there, you will love it.

When we moved overseas with our daughter we didn't even have a camera. We borrowed a Polaroid "instant" type camera from the local library and took a whole "spool" (just 10 photos!) for them. They were of our little girl in our new home and a few of her in the park with me and one with my husband. That was all they had in the first four months other than letters. Days before our second son was born we bought a camera specifically so they could see their new grandson.

Letters were still quite slow, parcels slower. The phone was expensive so used perhaps monthly.

I was an only child.
It must have been devastating for my parents to have us go but they never made us feel sorry for them or guilty.
And in our case, we did come back. Babies 3,4 and 5 were all born back in the UK so they did have time with them.

You are doing the right thing in being upbeat now for your little family so far away. This is a truly great and magnanimous gift from you to them - especially as it pains you so.
Be brave - as it must be terrible if you know you are causing those you left behind so much upset. I'm so glad I didn't realise the size of the hole our departure left in my parents' hearts... and the quiet longing they silently suffered.

Thinking of you.
Sending virtual hugs.

Thank you Gabrielle for stating the euphoria/sadness situation. Although my son is not in a different country, I nearly posted just before Xmas how much I was struggling to deal with my son moving out into his own home shortly before. I was so ecstatic that he has a lovely girlfriend and had found a great house, I had been totally unaware and not prepared for what a blow it was when he went. I felt I was coming totally unravelled and suddenly realised how alike it felt to bereavement, with that sense of loss and emptiness. All I can say to Phillipa is that, like bereavement, the sadness lessens and changes. It is not a total loss, it is just a different way of living with your son at a distance, having had your love and support to spread his wings. Sending you hugs.