Happy for them, sad for me

My daughter remarried in August to a lovely American guy. She and her two wonderful daughters have emigrated to USA. We miss them all so much but are happy to know they are all so happy. Modern technology makes it so easy to keep in touch although nothing can replace a good hug

Oh Phillips 60 thank you for putting this post up as it put my woes into perspective , you are such a lovely person to think about your family . I honesty believe that the time you may get to spend with your family in Aus will be much more magical when it happens . Enjoy your Daughter and her family , I truly believe boys tend to go their own way whereas girls seem to stay close to their mums . My son only lives an hour away from me and DH. But unless we go over there we don’t see him, he is very busy and is building his business back up after Covid but I still miss seeing him in our home , luckily my grandkids live 20 mins away ( divorce ) i V am sure the rawness will pass , keep being you and I am sure they will keep in touch

What a bittersweet message! You obvs need to settle from the initial euphoria/ shock....give it some weeks if not months, we're SO fortunate to have facetime zoom and all the other stuff that can bring your family right into your living room on your TV!!! Olden days it was waiting weeks for letters and pics.... you're going to be fine the more you see of their progress and you now can look forwards to visits too! I'm so happy yet feel your twinges of sadness too but that's life and I suppose your dil being an Aussie makes it easier as they're not flying blind!!! Good luck and hope you make most of this big change to everyone's advantage.

My heart goes out to you my dear. Of course you’re sad and a bit sorry they’ve moved. No advice just sending you a big hug x

Thanks for the suggestion about Scattered Families, Oldmutton! I have just asked to join

Philippa I feel for you. I too am close to my wonderful son, and the thought of his living so far away would make me cry. You sound like an understanding and selfless lady, but of course this will be a sad time for you. Lots of cheering advice on here - and the world is a much smaller place now thanks to travel, zoom, phone calls etc. Chin up - that will help him as he is no doubt wishing you were not so far away. xx

You sound a lovely MIL and mum I think the feelings you are having are completely natural also I admire the fact you are thinking of the family and are very happy for them, so many would just be thinking of themselves but you aren’t! Of course it’s going to be difficult but we have the internet so can keep in touch that way, I would also miss my family too op, I don’t think you ever stop missing your family x

It's very hard, isn't it? Have a look at scatteredfamilies.com

Allsorts, thanks!
I was also wondering about a forum for those of us with kids living far away. I wonder how we could set that up?
I already received a wonderful suggestion about "Readeo" which I am going to install!

Phillips, I haven’t been through what you and others who have, waving off a beloved grown up child to live so far away. Anyone would be feeling bereft, yet you put their feelings first and support their decision. I think others in the same position as yourself are the only ones who can truly understand. The suggestion about a portal on the t v sounds a very good idea. Having visits planned also good idea. What I found enlightening was the comments from people who many years ago had left their families, when all there was to keep in touch a letter or booked expensive phone call, they left never realising the impact it had on their families as they were living the dream. It’s so different now but must still hurt like hell, you will become used to it eventually and thankfully you do have a good family support here, I dare say there’s a lot that have not. Perhaps a forum for those in the same position could be helpful and supporting of one another.

NotSpaghetti, thanks for that, I am really trying not to make them feel guilty in any way. But I know that my first very emotional reaction (I described it in an earlier post) will stay with them for a long time
Right now (it's only been 4 days!) things are going well and they are in frequent wattsapp contact which feels great

nanna8 that person was me too.
I now think of the generosity of my parents with new knowledge after "happily" waving off two of my 5 children (and three grandchildren) on their own overseas adventure.

They were always (on the surface of it) excited for me and my little family even when I had my second baby the other side of the world.

I wish I could thank them now for never making me feel guilty. They gave me wings and never tried to prevent me using them.
Thank you Mum and Dad. 🙏

I have sons who live distant from me and during the lockdown we joined Readeo where you both log on at same time and can read books to your grandchildren. It was a real hit with my sons daughter who had come to hate WhatsApp calls as they can feel like an interrogation to a child.Yet she loved her Readeo nights so it was a subscription well spent.

Thank you for your acknowledgment of my feelings Pamela. Just for reference, we didn’t stay with my daughter for our two month visit, but stayed in a rental instead. Sadly my daughter’s marriage has broken up whilst she has been in NZ and so we found ourselves helping her to move house whilst we were there. We were packing and then unpacking got the first couple of weeks whilst the children were still at school, and then we did masses of childcare during the long summer holidays, whilst my daughter worked.
You’re right Pamela, we’re not lucky to need to travel half way round the world to visit our children and grandchildren. It’s actually the only way to see them and build/keep meaningful relationships with our grandchildren. People who think it’s all the outdoor life and barbecues are simply wrong. People in Australia and New Zealand go to work, the supermarket, clean the house, cut the grass and wash the car just like everyone else. We had two barbecues in two months, we have more than that here in England during the summer. My daughter runs, she ran in England. The children do a lot of sports, they did in England too. For my daughter, it’s about working fewer hours for the same pay. I don’t know what it is for others apart from thinking the grass is greener.

We all feel so sad when our children move so far away, I don’t suppose we will ever like it but we do learn to live with it.
Like ‘maddyone’ I can’t see all the advantages of leaving loving family behind but my DD absolutely loves it here. She sails and dives and has a great life.
I have written ‘ here’ because at the moment I’m sitting on the balcony sipping a G&T in the sunshine after slathering myself with factor 50 and mozzie anti repellent!
I am as much in the shade as I can be. I’ve got my back in the sun to clear up my psoriasis. That’s the big bonus.
It’s so nice to be warm but it’s a tad too hot.
It’s a bit irritating when people tell me how lucky I am to be going to Sydney- I am, of course, but I’d rather visit her in Sussex or Lancashire for 2 days at a time.
We have been coming to visit for 20 years now and have seen a lot of the country but still try to go somewhere during our visit to give our son in law a break. We all get on well but I wouldn’t have liked to accommodate my in laws for 2months.😱
I am so aware of how much easier to keep in touch with the U.K. than it used to be. When I was growing up we lived in HK, saw our grandparents every 3 years and had to prebook telephone calls. I think my childhood has helped me to deal with the distance.
My DD is on a family messenger group and talks to us all on a regular basis. It has to be late at night or early morning in the U.K. though.
So you will find your own way to deal with it as so many of us have. It will get easier I hope.

V3rA, thanks, we do have a few wattsapp groups already but I am thinking of setting up a new one now just for them in Australia with us and our daughter here.
Her husband and the kids don't really need/want the daily updates!

From the other side, when I had babies in Australia I was so envious of other mums who had mums to help them because my parents were in the UK. When you are young you just don't comprehend what your parents go through. I truly didn't have any clue of the sadness you leave behind, they never told me. You are young and full of adventure and life's possibilities. I feel for you, Phillippa.

I'm sure there will be many sad moments for you but this is what your DIL's parents have experienced for the last 9 years.

Have you set up a family WhatsApp group with all the adults on, the ones in Australia and the ones in the UK?
You'll be able to have group chats and share photos with everyone, and you'll all keep in touch a lot easier.

We do the same although we're all in the UK, though not in the same towns.
We've recently added my son's fiancée as she said she was always asking him what we were chatting about, and wanted to see the photos of the children that my daughter had posted.

BlueBelle, so true. She (my DiL) texted me this morning that she feels so happy to be back in Australia, I was really touched that she wrote to me and also really happy for her and my DS

When I was 20 I moved out to the Far East and I will admit I never really thought about the effect it might have on my parents, they didn’t try to stop me and I remember it was two weeks before they got the first ‘bluey’ telling them I had arrived safely.
For the next 3years all they got was airmails or surface mail
letters with photos in, there were no phones we didn’t own one When I had my first baby I had to ring the grocers opposite our house to ask if someone would pop over and let them know I was ok
There are phones, video calls, and so much easy contact now, of course it s not the same but it’s a very good alternative for happy confident children who fly the nest
You will cry for a bit and then you ll brush yourself down and feel happy that you have a son in a happy marriage and let him get on with his life, his priority now is his wife and he wants her to be happy and so do you

You bring them up to fly the nest and be independent. You did a good job! You are allowed to have a good cry but stay positive. They will love you all the more for not making them feel guilty. I keep a note of things we have been doing so that I have plenty to chat about and they don't feel our lives are empty without them. It will get better.

My daughter had to come home from the far east to get married and continued there for a long while. Babies were born and I felt awful, then we started to facetime a lot.
It does get better and you will get used to it.
Good Luck.

Good on you for not making them feel guilty. And thank goodness we now have the internet, FaceTime, WhatsUp, etc.

I have a book of letters written by my great-grand mother's cousins- who moved to the Melbourne area in the 1830s, to plant vineyards. In those days, it was as far as the moon is now, and letters would take weeks to arrive- and it was a once in a lifetime move, no trips backs or visits. By the time they got the letter saying all was well, anything could have happened.

Hope you are ablet to visit them soon to see them settled and happy.

Hi Philippa, how i feel your pain....my son and wife and 3 grandchildren have just been here for xmas. First time i have met the younger 2 children, and saw the older girl when she was a new born, and we visited them in Australia.
They stayed for 3 weeks, and it was very bitter-sweet. I adore my son, but i am lucky because I also have another son and daughter who live locally. But it has been over a month now since they went back, and I am in the deepest depression now, as it churned up everything I experienced the first time he left here for Australia. The three children are extremely hard work, I could see stress in all their relationships, and what makes it doubly hard is that they are not particularly close the her mom or sister. But when they were here, all the cousins bonded so firmly and happily.
So i don't feel they have an idyllic life at all, and if they were here, we could support them so much.
But i respect their wishes, and have accepted that their life is so very different to anything they would have here, be it a good thing or a bad thing.
Sorry to be negative Philippa, and I am sure, for you, it will be very different. Just concentrate on saving to go and see them, but be prepared for heartache and sorrow along with the joy. Good luck to you and your family