Happy for them, sad for me

Of course you feel sad Philippa60 it would be strange if you didn't. I know how you feel as my daughter went to live in America with her American husband many years ago now. Once the initial sadness has eased you will be able to see how it's good for your daughter in law to be with her family. It may not be forever and your relationship with your son will change anyway now he has his own family. So many ways to keep in touch now which were not available to me 25 years ago. You will look forward to video calls etc, it's not the same but our adult children need to do what is best for them. Enjoy your holiday in September.

Give yourself time to adjust, it is a big change

It's OK to be sad!

You have completely the right attitude.
You aren't making your son responsible for your feelings.
You aren't guilt tripping.

Don't feel bad for being sad, it's like to be sad for you and happy for them.

It will get easier in time, be gentle with yourself, make use of video calls and social media to follow theor lives and keep in close contact

My DD married an Australian 21 years ago. Her 3 children are now 20, 19 and 16. Cannot pretend I know them half as well as the 2 GC who live in the same town as us.

Is it a better life? No, not really. Boiling hot summers, cold winters, (they live in Canberra), high taxes, cost of living still expensive. Housework, cooking, jobs, you still have them to do if the other side of the world.

It’s not all barbecues and Bondi beach.

But it’s where her DH is from, and where they choose to live.

I just wish it were somewhere in Europe, so much more accessible.

Yes, all makes sense. I haven't really bonded with their daughter yet (my baby GD who is 10 months old... also they are VERY anxious parents so don't give me too much access!) and I do have my 4 wonderful GCs close by me here - it's really my son I am weeping about. I adore him and somehow feel that I am losing him, and that he will be so close to his wife's family and we will fade into the far away background.
Maybe not rational, but that's how I am feeling today.
We have booked our first trip to visit them already, for this September
Thanks everyone for the empathy and support, it's very much appreciated
Philippa

It will get much better my son went to NZ 25 years ago I ve seen them maybe 6/8 times in that period it’s too expensive for me to go often and now I don’t want that long long journey
Their Nan and grandad live round the corner from them so obviously they are priority.
It’s hard but all I think is they’re happy, the kids have grown both have good jobs, they have a great lifestyle

What more can I wish for

Just a plane ride away ! My mom used to say I have my life ... yes will seem so sad , but now a days so many forms of communication where you can see them ... have to see what is best for their family ... no doubt they will have their sad days aswell ... now decide when you are going to visit & start saving ... yes sad for you but try to be happy for them

Philippa you do get used to it, but it’s very hard. It’s even more hard because as a parent you see the downside as well as the upside. Anyway, the best way to deal with it is to plan a weekly WhatsApp video call. Buy a portal for your television and then you can see them on the tv screen which is much better than the little screen on a phone. At the moment my daughter calls us daily when she’s taking the children to school because the youngest keeps crying for his grandad, so it helps if he can speak to us every day. Send parcels as well as money for gifts because the children love getting a parcel and it’s a tangible link to you. Plan a visit, that’s important. We’ve just returned but are already planning our next visit. We’re also planning to give our daughter tickets to come home to see us, later this year. When you visit, make sure you see your grandchildren every day if possible, in order to build the links with them that are more easily built when they live in the same country. Good luck. PM me if you ever need support.

I would be the same Philippa60 - logical brain saying you know they have done the right thing for them, and as you love them you want that - but heart saying how sad it is. And eyes having a weep!

I hope so much that you will gradually adapt to this new situation and that you will find ways of communicating - it will be different, but I am sure you can make it good. Sometimes we take more trouble with making contact when we are far apart. How about: keeping a diary of what you are doing/sending pics of your outings/making little things to send out/making little videos/playing an online game with them/whatsapping age appropriate word or picture games - there will be lots.

Lots of good luck!

Thanks maddyone, it helps hearing from people who have the same experience as me.
Where I live nearly all my friends have all of the children and grandchildren close by....
Every time I read that my son's MiL says she's so happy they are "home" it makes me cry because I want to say "that's not my son's home!" but I guess it is now

Oh Philippa I feel for you. It’s truly hard, I know because my daughter and three grandchildren went to New Zealand some eighteen months ago. They have no family there. They went because they are doctors and doctors work fewer hours there for the same pay. We’ve just returned from a two months visit. Now every day our five year old grandson cries and asks for his grandad. His older brother asks when we’re going back.
Having lived there for two months I’m unconvinced of the ‘better life’ argument. Parents say that because it justifies the reason for going. My daughter works fewer hours for the same pay. That’s the one and only ‘better’ about it. Food and all goods and services are about twice the price of the UK. There is far less choice available in the supermarkets. Education is not particularly good so the grandchildren are in an independent school. There are only nine universities for the whole country and they are not world renowned as far as I understand. The country is very isolated and insular. I don’t know about Australia but most Kiwis are not able to afford to go abroad or drive newish cars. I was shocked by the age of the age of the cars on the road. So overall, I don’t think it is a better life, but it is a novelty and your son will have family there, so that makes a big difference.

Thank you, silverlining.
I am not the crying type but at the moment the tears are never far away....
I really appreciate the encouragement, thanks

What a kind and caring gran you are Philippa. Of course you are sad, we all would be, but already you are seeing the positives for them even though it’s so hard for you.
It’s early days and you will get used to it. My dd left 16 years ago, just to Europe, but it still needs flights and so on, it all has to be planned well beforehand. No spontaneity and I took a while to accept it, and missed her, especially at the start.
Give yourself time and don’t be hard on yourself. You will be ok.