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Partner wont talk to me - just found out ex husband probably gay. Feel like a disaster.

(6 Posts)
Teaandcakes Sun 19-Feb-23 12:02:51

How do I encourage my partner to talk to me?
I've felt really off about the relationship for about 18 months...our communication has got worse and worse, to the point that if I'm hardly talking to him...he doesn't even seem to notice and will never, ever be the one to start a conversation or tackle anything in our relationship. I don't mean that I purposely don't talk to him, I mean that I've noticed that I have become more and more withdrawn from the relationship...and don't trust or want him to be as involved with me as before. I tried to talk to him, asked him his thoughts....just nothing. I did notice that every chat, he changes it round to say , I'm having a go, or that he is useless. I have thought really hard about how I approach him and have used phrases such as ' things don't feel the same' or i even say sometimes, 'have I got something wrong' or how could we make this more fun - things that direct from his own misery and don't sound like I'm blaming.

He recently did something fairly awful, upsetting quite a few people that do something for him in a voluntary capacity - I spoke to them as he didn't (I wouldn't normally go behind anyone's back but this was just awful and dropped a lot of people in a very awkward situation..... ) I covered for him, damage control if you will, but he wont acknowledge anything. He wont go to the doctors, won't tell me what's wrong etc. He looks depressed, isn't looking after self etc etc. Everything points to him not really wanting to be in the relationship but if this is suggested he gets upset saying he loves me etc etc. and doesn't know what he would do without me.
Unfortunately this is triggering me and making me quite ill (not his fault at all) My ex husband of 20 years and I divorced after an awful latter part of the marriage where he was abusive, manipulative etc. He is now working his way around dating sites including gay ones looking for threesomes ( I know this because of a gay friend who unfortunately matched with him on a dating site who then showed me) My ex husband never discussed this side to him, just used to bully me sexually and mock me. I appreciate it's not his fault about sexuality but to find this out after years or marriage has upset me greatly as he still openly blames me for the marriage breakdown.
The current situations are really worrying me, making me think I'm a disaster. I am a fairly quiet person but communicate fairly freely. Maybe being a woman its easier for me than for a man to do this but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
How do I speak to my current partner please?

VB000 Wed 22-Feb-23 12:26:04

Hi, just seen your post, and sorry to read that you are going through this.

Would he be open to the idea of counselling? Hopefully someone else can offer more advice.

Hithere Wed 22-Feb-23 12:34:34

Two issues here

1. Partner - he needs to see a doctor asap, is he willing to go?
What did he do that was awkward?
How did you cover for him?

2. Ex-husband- why do you care he blames you for the marriage breakdown?
From your limited description, he was an abuser and why would he admit blame?
Why are you still emotionally involved?

I agree you need to talk to a professional and take care of yourself first

seadragon Thu 23-Feb-23 22:18:31

I wonder whether your partner might talk to someone on line. I have worked with the military and can recommend: a charity which specializes in helping men cope with trauma. is also very effective in helping both men and women cope with a broad range of issues including money problems, for example. Research has established that men find it less daunting to seek help least initially. It might be worth while for you to contact Breathing Space for your self... Good luck. PM me if you would like to.

LRavenscroft Fri 24-Feb-23 08:37:41

Sorry to hear about the difficult situation you find yourself in. Your partner sounds as if he may be suffering with depression or, depending on age, possibly something else that is worrying him. He needs to go to see his GP. There are often reasons that are nothing to do with those around us that make us depressed i.e. something someone else said etc. If what he did was wrong legally then I would try to do some more research about it. If it was a social bloomer then people can do and say things when in a dark corner they would not say if socially comfortable. Forget your ex husband and don't pattern match. It is so easily done. I wish you well and hope you and your current partner find peace and future joy.

Teaandcakes Mon 27-Feb-23 07:14:42

Thank you for such kind replies.
@VB000 thank you for replying. I know it was a bit of a jumble. Just gets too much sometimes.
@LRavenscroft You're right about pattern matching..I just get so tired with it all😞 I don't know how to think.
@Hithere. It was a social bloomer, nothing legal. He leads a team and dropped them all in it at a crucial meeting (county level) and although grown men, they had to lead the meeting, no notice, no apology. He isn't himself, they would have realised this and are such a nice bunch of people, but it's. It their job to be kind and I was so worried they would walk away.
He won't go to the G.P. but has found someone to talk to, which is great news. I'm hoping he may start to look after himself a bit better as he starts to feel more positive.
I know it's not kind and no one should judge but it's natural to do so. If someone is grubby, unwashed, unshaven, wearing ripped clothes, no hair cut etc etc I think people do judge you. I think he loses business because of it actually. If you're not looking after yourself, I think people don't want to give you business incase you don't look after their things / business too.
@seadragon. Thank you. Exactly what I though and I did suggest some online/anonymous support But he brushed it away. He may have accessed it though or may go back to it at a later date.

He is still a little paranoid, thinks others aren't nice etc which may be true but doesn't see the allowances everyone makes for him and actually I think is acting like a spoilt teen sometimes. It's difficult as although I'm sure the depression clouds things horribly for him, this persecution complex he seems to have actually makes him seem like quite a mean person quite often.
I've mentioned how kind everyone was to help out so seamlessly the other week and have dropped in how much he must mean to them etc etc but it's met with a barrage of how they all take over and want to do it themselves 😳 none of them want to take over. They were carrying him to support him. I'm glad none of them are aware of his misguided beliefs. They would all be very upset.
As for the ex husband stuff, that's not really important. The man is horrible and I will try to ignore what he does.