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Cannot decide!

(20 Posts)
Oldmutton Sun 26-Feb-23 07:52:12

We have lived at our current address for over 30 years. I have a nice life, plenty of friends and interests.
However, we have no family in this area. Our grown up children would like us to move 200 miles to be near.
There are many pros and cons.
Really don't know what to do or how to decide.
Can anyone help?

luckyrose62 Sun 26-Feb-23 08:03:23

It is hard to comment not knowing your age health and circumstances. We did it but not as far. We ended up doing far more childminding than we first thought due to family changes. I am glad we did it though. My mother in law got some health problems and it’s funny how the friends and neighbours disappeared after her 50 years of socialising and living in the same place. Family were still there sometimes due to duty but mainly ❤️ love. I have met some nice friends which was hard at first. I see our family more. Try having some breaks in the area hire a caravan and try and imagine your life in the area.

LRavenscroft Sun 26-Feb-23 08:29:06

A lot will depend on your age. If in your 50s then perhaps the leave the status quo. If in your late 70s, with the few creaks becoming major repairs, then I would think about moving. As the poster above says, friends and interests soon disappear when you are no longer able to maintain them. A lot will also depend on whether you NEED to socialise and be with people or whether you are happy with your own company and a few social events.

Floradora9 Sun 26-Feb-23 21:28:47

We moved after 24 years in the same place and now 22 years on I still miss our previous life, friends and town etc.. If you do move look for friends younger than yourselves . We got some lovely new friends when we moved but sadly so many have now died. Our social life is a shadow of what it was 12 years ago .

Shelflife Sun 26-Feb-23 21:35:10

Think carefully, good luck whatever you decide.

Oldmutton Tue 28-Feb-23 04:20:14

Thank you all. My husband is a bit older than me, early seventies. At the moment we are both in reasonable health. I am the one who needs people.
I would not want to be too dependent on my family and I imagine doing more childminding. I suppose that at least I would not have to stay overnight which I have to now.
I am scared and daunted at having to make new friends and a new life, but I know people do it all the time. Being with my husband in a little unit fulls me with horror.
I do think that whatever we decide, there will be times I think it was the wrong choice.

MrsKen33 Tue 28-Feb-23 05:20:48

We moved after 40 years in the same place. It was a big upheaval and we moved, 1) to be near our daughter and 2) because where we then lived had changed drastically for the worse.
We were in our early seventies. We have never regretted the move and have made friends and fitted well into our new small community. We are happy to socialise but also happy with our own company. It all depends really on your expectations.

grandMattie Tue 28-Feb-23 05:26:12

We have lived in the area for 35 years. I am 75 years old, in good health and in possession of all my marbles.
My husband died last year and our daughter was travelling 5 hours each way to visit her beloved dying dad. Before he died, we decided we wouldn’t put her through this again when it was my turn.
So, my house has been sold, I’ve had an offer on a tiny flat accepted and am in the throes of decluttering and downsizing.
I don’t really want to go, but it is the sensible and pragmatic thing to do in the circumstances.
In the end, it is your decision, but moving house is hard, both emotionally and physically, so if you’re going to do it, don’t before you are too old and the toll isn’t so great.
Good luck.

karmalady Tue 28-Feb-23 06:14:46

oldmutton, do it while you can, while there are two of you and while you are able. Luckyrose is right, friends made through interests soon disappear if you cannot go to meetings etc. You are young enough to start new groups and interests wherever you may move

Look upon it as an adventure, perhaps the last adventure that you can do as a couple and imagine the scenario if there were just one of you, ten years older in the family home and isolated from family

fancythat Tue 28-Feb-23 07:08:38

Are your children likely to move themselves, or are they settled where they are?
I have known people to move[younger than you] only for the kids themselves to move[due to new jobs I think].

grandtanteJE65 Tue 28-Feb-23 11:44:57

What does your husband feel about this?

If you are both willing to move nearer your children then it is worth considering.

There will be times when you wonder if the move was wise, or regret what you have left. I sometimes regret our move.

But the benefits outweigh the regrets.

If you move, accept that you will need to make new friends and don't rely too much on your adult children or your grandchildren to fill all your needs for company.

Find a home on a bus route, preferably near shops, medical centre and library, and before buying your new home try to find out what other interests you have that you can join in in the new place.

wildswan16 Tue 28-Feb-23 11:57:10

Looking at things from your children's point of view.

"Mum and Dad are a long away and getting older. It will be much easier to help them out in any way they need if they were a lot nearer. We wouldn't need to be worried about them. We want to support them and be there if they need us. We don't need to live in each other's pockets."

As others have said - choose carefully with the years ahead in mind.

CountessFosco Tue 28-Feb-23 12:08:28

We moved back from France to England to be nearer the children. To a certain extent it is wonderful to be close to the growing grandchildren, but our extremely difficult DIL does not communicate with us unless she absolutely has to. This is nothing new, but mistakenly, we assumed if we were close by, her attitude might just improve - it hasn't. We miss our lovely lifestyle and our friends in the Geneva area.

Franbern Wed 01-Mar-23 09:20:50

You are fortunate if your children are all in one place. My five are all pretty spready out, happily all in the UK.

When I moved, it was away from one I had always lived to to, 150 miles away close to another. Three others nowhere close by.

Do not depend on children /gchildren giving you company, etc. G.Children grow into teenagers very quickly and do not require minding. So you need to make your own social arrangemnts, U3A, WI, specific interests, make this very easy for those of us who are retired and have the time. Also volunteer work. Much better for adujlt chidren to have the worries of aging parents close by and not many miles away,

Do not leave it too long deciding. Whilst there are two of you and both in reasonable health I would say Go For It.

I was 79 and by myself when I did my move in 2019 after having lived in the same area since 1964. I am so happy in my new home town and have things to go to and do every day. Needs an a little effort on your part, but good time to reinvent yourself.

Wyllow3 Wed 01-Mar-23 09:40:13

I'm 72. Following the break up of an abusive marriage my family asked the same. They will be staying in the area due to sons job (tenure at Uni and happy there) and a very disabled granddaughter (they are hooked into resources and support groups).

I cant decide either, I waver. I don't have a lot of friends here due to isolation of marriage, and not well enough to make more just now. So I've put it on hold.

But count my lucky stars that the offer and the love is there.

I'mnot in good health

Oldmutton Thu 02-Mar-23 06:54:54

Thank you all for your kind advice. There is a lot to consider. I am really quite scared about such a big step. I would need to make new friends because i do not like spending too much time with my husband! I do think that there might be more childminding than we think. We will spend a few days in the new area as suggested.
Thank you again and good luck to those of you with difficult choices xx

BlueBelle Thu 02-Mar-23 07:54:06

No way I could move to be near children as they are all spread out worldwide we are fragmented
I personally think independence is a lot to give up …your friends your lifestyle and your way of escaping your husband (hopefully that was tongue in cheek) I d be very hesitant But that’s me Would you rely a lot on your daughter in the early days before you make new friends ?
Grandchildren grow up very quickly and are gone in the blink of an eye

Being with my husband in a little unit fulls me with horror this doesn’t sound good so are you downsizing too ?

What does your husband think ?do you get on with the son-in-law ?
It’s a hard one isn’t it ?
I don’t think I d go but I don’t know your true circumstance so can’t really help

merlotgran Thu 02-Mar-23 08:21:13

I did it 18 months ago, moving 130 miles to be near DD and her family. A four hour journey to support me when DD1, her older sister and DH died just over a year apart took its toll on her and I would never want to put her through the same stress when my time comes.

I treated it as my last big adventure, moving from rural isolation to a seaside town and I’ve loved every minute of it. It was scary at first but I’ve made some lovely friends thanks to U3A and DD is now only a ten minute drive away. It’s a five minute walk to the bus stop, I’m spoilt for choice with supermarkets and I’ve traded my country living 4x4 for a small town runabout.

I often wonder if DH would have been happy had he lived to make the move with me as he hated and resisted change and yes I’m sure he would… eventually.

MawtheMerrier Thu 02-Mar-23 09:20:06

I hope I am not crossing red lines, but I could not envisage giving up my house (which is easy enough to manage) for something a lot smaller, or a flat whether in a retirement complex or not, at my age - 75, in full possession of my faculties, driving and although now widowed, with a full social life -Arts Society, theatre and films, book group, friends.
As St Augustine didn’t say “Give me downsizing- but not yet”
My half brother did this after he lost his wife but now finds he still only infrequently sees his busy GP daughter, and the GC who are nearing their teens, are leading with their own lives. It has been only a qualified success and he sometimes sounds a little regretful for what he gave up.
I can see the relevance of distance for GM but to move to be close to AC without one’s own “way in” to a community seems to me to be risky. That way in, could be a hobby, church, choir, or a historic link with the area, but (for me) not just my AC. I don’t want to be “X’s mum” - I am me.
Moving with one’s DH is different, it is always easier to establish oneself as a couple. So if I were to downsize, I would choose to be an accessible distance but not too close as I would feel their absence all the more when they were busy leading their own lives. Think carefully about what an area has to offer you as well as what you have to offer it. And weigh up all the pro’s and cons!

MawtheMerrier Thu 02-Mar-23 12:51:52

I am scared and daunted at having to make new friends and a new life, but I know people do it all the time. Being with my husband in a little unit fulls me with horror

Says it all, to me .